Whew. We’ve made to the end of...what turned out to maybe be the best season ever? We got two full-ass love stories and two engagements this season. Last season, Peter ended up with three different members of his final five women, so we’ll call this season a huge improvement. It’s almost like casting older contestants with actual life experience matters! Let’s wrap up Tayshia’s love story and find out whose team won!

Susan: We’re down to Ivan, Brendan, and Zac. Remember how Hannah, Madi and Victoria had to talk to each other during fantasy suite week on Peter’s season? Production loved that because it was ~dramatic~, but when they try it with these three mature hunks, it’s just mildly awkward at best. 

Emily: I still hated it. Let’s not make this a thing. It’s gross. Anyway, cut to Tayshia who’s just so excited to finally get to bone these dudes. We’re excited for you, Tayshia.

Susan: JoJo is still at the La Quinta, and she tells Tayshia that overnight dates make everything harder (hehe), but they will also bring some clarity, like they did for her. (As if we didn’t all know she was choosing Jordan from night one.) 

Emily: I’m just like… does JoJo have a job? Maybe she legitimately doesn’t because most of these people can survive off of being Instagram influencers these days. 

Now that JoJo and Tayshia have had their lady talk, it’s time for Chris Harrison to have a man talk with the final three. Please don’t drink every time someone says “intimate” in this episode. Chris Harrison tells all the guys, “If you’re not ready to get engaged, then it’s time to get the fuck out, BRENDAN!” Then he glares at Brendan for a really long time until one of his eyes starts twitching, and then he says, “I’m watching you,” to Brendan and Brendan only. And then Chris Harrison slowly backs out of the room. I’m not sure that’s exactly what happened, but that’s the spirit of what happened.

Ivan gets the first fantasy suite date. His card says, “Our love is timeless.”

Susan: Ivan gets 3 points for a hug-and-pick-up, but not a real run-and-jump. So the date is Ivan and Tayshia attempting to break the world record of “World’s Longest and Coldest Kiss.” What? That’s a thing? Why is this show like this? Emily, do you think this is better or worse than Carly and Evan’s hottest kiss record? I’m gonna say this one is better because someone puked in the other one, but an ice bath still sounds very unromantic. 

Emily: This one is better because it didn’t involve food being pushed back and forth between two people’s mouths. I don’t even like to drink after my husband, so sharing saliva-filled food between two mouths? No. No, no, no, no. I’ll take the ice bath. Nevertheless, this is a dumb date.

Susan: Who is this commentator named Big Paulie? Chris calls him both an “ice bath expert” and a “Bachelor nation favorite.” I have never seen this man and am too lazy to Google it. 

Emily: We’ve seen him before. As soon as I saw him, I was like, oh yeah he’s a security guard or something. I’m sure he made an appearance when Chad was acting up on JoJo’s season. Chris Harrison tells everyone Big Paulie was an orphan found on a glacier. He’s making up a lot of shit.

Susan: Ivan gets 3 points for grabbing da booty during this makeout, which was actually pretty hot. 

Emily: They beat the record and just keep on making out because at this point their entire bodies have frozen off so fuck it. Total time? 6:35. Good for them. 

Susan: Back at the group room or whatever this place is, Zac and Brendan receive the next date card. It says “Let’s explore each other” and it’s for Zac. This description already sounds better than an ice bath. Brendan seems a little stressed that Tayshia is going on overnight dates with other men, but Zac generally seems pretty confident.

Emily: Would you not be confident if you were Zac? At this point, it’s pretty clear she’s picking him. 

Back to dinner with Ivan though. Ivan says he doesn’t want to say the word “love” because he doesn’t take it lightly, which made me think he wasn’t going to say the “L” word at all. But he does say, “I started falling in love with you a couple of weeks ago actually, and it’s more than that now.” So I guess he’s not in love, but as far as Bachelorette love milestones go, he’s started to fall in love, and now he’s deep in the falling in love stage, but hasn’t totally fallen yet? These stages are make believe, for the record. You either love someone or you don’t.

Susan: We’ll give him “falling in love points” (10 points), and 20 more points for Tayshia reciprocating. When Tayshia offers him the fantasy suite card, Ivan accepts because you should always say yes if you get a chance to spend the night with Tayshia. Their fantasy suite is an Airstream, and I have mixed feelings about this. On one hand, the little camping setup is cute. On the other, the tiny bed area does not make me feel sexy things. My guess is she knew she wasn’t going to have sex with Ivan anyway. 

Emily: They make out horizontally for 2 points. They also get champagne and donuts? Tayshia is really into donuts, which sticks out to me every time it comes up because I personally find donuts to be severely overrated. Don’t @ me.

The next morning, Ivan and Tayshia give us a little recap of what we missed while the cameras were off. Ivan says they told each other they were falling in love. Tayshia said they talked about religion and the future. She says she’s falling in love with Ivan: “I feel like Ivan and I could have a beautiful life together.” DO YOU, though.

Susan: Ivan returns to the group room and tells Zac and Brendan that they saw the sun rise. Zac gets up and leaves for his date right then, so this timeline is really confusing. Otherwise Tayshia would be soooo tired, and let’s face it, Tayshia always looks like she got 8 hours of sleep and is super hydrated. WHAT’S YOUR SECRET, TAYSHIA?

Emily: Part of it is the professional makeup and hair team. The other part is her natural energy and spirit. We love her. So it’s date time. And they’re going to rub paint all over each other and then make a giant work of art together, which is much better than an ice bath. Ivan definitely got the shittiest date (FOR NOW). 

Susan: Not to bring up Carly and Evan again (maybe I’m still sad about their breakup), but Carly and Evan basically did this exact date on BiP. 

Emily: I am also very sad about Carly and Evan.

Susan: I just have to say that Tayshia has way more physical chemistry with Zac than she does with the others. It’s really obvious to me when I see them together, especially when they’re doing this really hot paint porn. Zac gets 2 points for the slippery, horizontal, rolling-around makeout. Then they talk about what a perfect day together would be like, and Zac gets 1 more point for the shower makeout as they clean up.

Emily: That night, Tayshia confronts Zac about a little issue that came up during family time. She wants to have five kids, and Zac said he was down, but when she talked to his family, they told her that he’d always said he didn’t want kids at all. So what’s up with that, Zac? Zac responds to this line of questioning very well. He says he now realizes he’ll be a good husband and a good dad and he deserves all those things. And before he didn’t know if he did. Aw.

Susan: This is around the time this episode started wrecking me emotionally. Zac says he made a promise to himself to be honest and authentic when he came here. “Tayshia, I don’t think—I know—that I love you. I just love the human being that you are.” Cue 15 points for Zac. Also cue Susan’s tears. Tayshia gets emotional too, and she says “I love you too” and that she’s known she loves him already. That’s 25 more points for Zac. They both say they’ve never felt this way before, and Tayshia says what feels the best about all of this is the sincerity behind Zac’s words and that everything he tells her feels intentional. I agree and I’m still crying. 

Emily: At this point, everyone else should have gone home. But I guess they had to give us THREE MORE HOURS OF TV. WHATEVER, ABC. Also Zac gets a real room. So rude. On to the next date. 

Susan: Brendan’s date card says “Let’s see what the future holds.” Brendan says he is excited, but he could not look less excited. He actually looks like he might cry at any moment, and not in the way I am crying over Zac and Tayshia.

Emily: So remember when I said Ivan had the worst date so far? Brendan’s date was the worst. I’d take an ice bath over sitting and trying to make small talk with Neil Lane while looking at tons of ugly jewelry I have no interest in buying. Brendan looks uncomfortable as hell. It’s clear Brendan did not think he would make it this far and is like fuck I was just here for the Instagram follows. Neil Lane is talking SO MUCH. Probably because Brendan has no personality. It’s like the battle of no personalities here. Sorry I find Brendan boring.

Susan: Listen, this date sucks. After having to fake interest in Neil Lane’s gaudy-ass designs, they then have to just...hang out with Neil for a while? Neil name-drops some other people he knows from the show, and Tayshia and Brendan look bored as hell. I am bored as hell. Let’s get to dinner. 

Emily: At dinner, Brendan has let the Neil Lane of it all get to his head. He doesn’t want to get engaged. He’s not ready. He explains to Tayshia, “When I came here, I thought I would make it to week 5 and get eliminated and go to paradise and get instagram followers because I’m male model.” 

Susan: Tayshia handles this really well. She says a younger version of herself might have been pissed off at him, but she knows what he’s gone through, and as much as she would like to be with him, she won’t push him to be ready if he isn’t ready. She’s tried to make someone love her before and she won’t do it again. This is sad, but I really thought it was a mature breakup on both sides. Brendan gets 10 points for self-eliminating.

Emily: Brendan is wiping his face at this point, but I see no tears. So nice try, Brendan, but no points for you. 

Anyway, let’s move on to better people. RACHEL IS HERE! Our fav! Like Tayshia, Rachel lost one of her top dudes because he was there for the Instagram clout and not for the engagement. And apparently Peter is a gross Trump supporter anyway, SO GOOD RIDDANCE. But back to the episode. Our queen Rachel and our other queen Tayshia have a nice girl talk and I’m just so happy to see two awesome ladies hanging out together. That is all. 

Susan: As the guys are getting ready for the rose ceremony, Ben goes to Chris Harrison and tells him he’s upset about his last interaction with Tayshia and he needs to tell her he’s in love with her. He said it wasn’t fair to tell her during the breakup, which is true, but then why is it fair now? Go home, Ben. Leave the bubble. 

Emily: Yeah, this is dumb. I took no notes here because I was just so annoyed. 

Susan: Look, I know Ben is on my team so I should root for him, but I’m super over the “man blew it because he was scared of his emotions” narrative. Go with the not-terrified guy. Aka: Zac. Anyway, on to the second episode! What’s happening with Ben now, Emily?

Emily: Well at some point, Ben tells Tayshia he’s in love with her for 15 points, and then she says she has to think about it. But then she MAKES OUT WITH HIM and is immediately like, “WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST DO?” It was like a strange out of body experience for her, and since this is a strange post-elimination make out, let’s give Ben 5 points. 

Susan: When Ben walks up to the rose ceremony instead of Brendan, Zac and Ivan’s eyes pop out of their heads. Tayshia arrives and says she’s been praying for clarity, and then she pulls Ivan aside, which is not a good sign. Tayshia says they started off strong, but in the last week when they’ve talked about important subjects, some things caused concern. She says that at the end of the day, her religion is “part of her morals,” and they’re clearly on different pages about this, but the show doesn’t give us the details. 

Emily: I don’t think we needed any more details. I think it’s pretty clear based on their conversation that Ivan is an atheist. And Ivan has said as much on social media later on. This made me love Ivan SO MUCH MORE. 5 points to Ivan for being the open atheist icon we needed on this show. 

Susan: Instagram cleared it up for me, but I thought it at first that it might have been that he was religious, but not the same brand of Christian as she was. This show needs more atheism. After last season’s nonstop religious (and purity) talk, I’m so happy to see a wider spectrum of religious and non-religious choices represented. 

The two roses go to Zac and Ben, who is way too confident now that he’s said the L word. Let’s meet Tayshia’s family, shall we? Her parents and two brothers, Bryce and Desmond, are there, and Tayshia fills them in on her two finalists. Ben’s up first.

Emily: I love how Tayshia starts this day by telling her family, “Well I eliminated this guy, but now he’s back.” It felt like the family had already written him off before even meeting him because of this. And honestly, that’s fair. 

Susan: Ben’s family day felt a little rushed to me, which just gives me even stronger “It’s definitely Zac” vibes. The moment Zac arrives to meet the family, it’s even more clear. The energy between Tayshia and Zac is just so different. The way she looks at him when he’s talking to her family is full-on swooning heart eyes. I have nothing snarky to say. It’s really nice. 

Emily: Yes, Zac killed this date. At this point, I turned to my husband (who is also named Ben, sorry about that confusing thing), and was like, “WHY IS BEN STILL HERE?”

Susan: Zac tells Tayhia’s mom that he loves her. She asks where he sees them five years from now, and he says married, happy, still madly in love and falling more in love, and starting a family. 

Emily: I got nothing. Aw.

Susan: Zac’s conversation with Tayshia’s dad really got me. Zac tells him about his first marriage and how he didn’t really understand what marriage was back then, but now, when he thinks about what it will be like for him and Tayshia post-show, he looks forward to helping each other through tough times. He says he knows the expectations for him will be really high because her dad set them high, but he’s not scared—he’s excited. “I tell you that because I might have an opportunity to propose to your daughter in the very near future, and I won’t do that unless I’m so sure.” Her dad says it put him at ease seeing how much Zac loves Tayshia.  

Emily: “The next day” Tayshia’s dad comes to talk to her. I put “the next day” in quotes because a lot of people have pointed out that Tayshia is wearing the same outfit she’s wearing with Ben later, and Tayshia’s not an outfit repeater. So I believe this actually happened on the same day she went out with Ben, but we moved this around I guess to create more tension and make us think that maybe her dad could be talking about Zac? Yeah right. Basically, Tayshia’s dad tells her not to rush into anything with any of the dudes because he’d hate to see her make a mistake. Which is fair. I really like Tayshia’s dad.

Susan: I also liked that her dad didn’t pull that weird patriarchal “As the father of a daughter, it’s my duty to protect you” bullshit that we often see on this show. He’s just giving his adult daughter advice, but trusts her to make her own decisions. We stan. 

It’s time for Zac’s final date. Tayshia is feeling stressed, and when she asks if Zac is also nervous for what’s coming, he just says, “I am ready. I feel very ready.” In his ITM, he says the perfect thing: “She’s allowed to have moments of doubt, but I want her to know that I’m not going anywhere.”

Emily: Their date is all about learning a dance, and it’s really sweet, and by the end, it seemed like they actually danced well together and had a good time. How nice.

Susan:  Heading into their “last chance” date, Zac says, “I need her to go to bed tonight just being 100% certain and clear about how I feel.” Tayshia confesses that she is worried that they’re falling for each other the way that they are, but that things might change in the future. She expresses that if she changes her career plans, or wants to be a stay-at-home mom, etc., that he might run away. 

Zac says that as they grow, life happens and things will change, but he’ll do whatever it takes to hold onto what they have. Today is his nine-year recovery anniversary, and he says his sobriety is the most important thing in his life because it allows him to not run away. FYI I was also fully in tears at this point, and Tayshia’s toast didn’t help me: “Cheers to a man that makes me feel safe, heard, special, and has been through hell and back to only be the best man that I could ever dream of. So cheers to you today, Zachary Clark.” 

I’m inconsolable. Oh wait, is Ben still here? Emily, tell us what’s happening with that. 

Emily: IDK man. This is so pointless at this point. Tayshia says that at this point, she knows what she wants and it’s not Ben. Thankfully, when she talks to Ben about it, she puts it more delicately than this. But she still dumps him ASAP so we can get on to what we’ve all known was going to happen for quite some time now. 

Susan: Leading up to the proposal, I am already a mess. Tayshia says, “I can honestly say wholeheartedly that Zac is my person.” And listen, I buy it. This is the most I’ve ever fully believed in the love I’m seeing on my screen in this history of this show. When Chris Harrison greets Tayshia, she is emotional, telling him she’s excited and that she loves Zac so much that now she’s questioning if she’s ever really been in true love until now. I’m gonna get personal here for a sec. My husband and I have said almost those exact words to each other. This fact does not help me stop crying. In fact, it encourages me more. 

Emily: I think the main thing that got me about this is just knowing Zac’s history and how much he’s been through. This is another thing that makes these relationships between older people feel so much more real and earned. Zac has truly grown and has been on a journey. He knows what he deserves now, and Tayshia understands and accepts him just as much as he understands and accepts her. It’s really sweet. 

Susan: Ok, I had to go back and watch this again because I took ZERO notes while I watched. I was just FEELING it and that’s all. It should be noted that Zac also cries for 2 points here. What I loved the most about this proposal was that none of it felt like a performance, which it usually does on this show. It felt like they were the only two people there, and I loved that. There’s something about seeing two people who know themselves and understand the commitment they are making just really go for it, and I’m all in for these two. 

There are several greatest hits from this proposal, but I just want to call out one little moment because it speaks to what I love about them. They listen to each other and are very specific in what they love about one another and how they care for each other. “The other night when we were talking, you spoke about this idea of someone choosing you. And, I can’t picture another day, another moment, without you in my life. And if you’ll let me, I’m gonna choose you right now. I’m gonna choose you tomorrow morning. I’m gonna choose you next week. And next year. I’m gonna choose you forever. Because I love you.” 50 points to Zac for getting the final rose.

They both look so freaking happy and I’m really rooting for them. Genuinely, with no snark. Let’s see how the points shook out.

Team I Just Met My Husband (Emily)

Ivan: 43

Last Week Total: 428
This Episode Total: 43
Season Total: 471

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Team Reckless on Instagram (Susan)

Ben: 20
Brendan: 10
Zac: 95

Last Week Total: 372
This Episode Total: 125
Season Total: 497

Readers, it has happened. Susan’s team has finally officially won a season of this show, and this season was our closest battle to date! Congrats to Tayshia and Zac, and to Team Reckless on Instagram!