The Bachelorette recap is coming in late this week. Just a quick housekeeping thing: this week and next week Bachelorette recaps will be on Sunday because of election stuff throwing everything off. Sorry about that. But on to the recap. Let us take you back to Tuesday when it was still October and things were just a little bit better. And… go!

Susan: We pick up at the cocktail party where Yosef is still talking about red flags and seems to think that being a father somehow makes him the moral authority of the group. You ain’t special, Yosef. 

Emily: Men with daughters on this show always think they’re some sort of moral authority. Like apparently men don’t know how to act like a human being until they have a little girl to think of. And Yosef, based on the intel out there, still doesn’t know how to act like a human being. So. Yeah.

Susan: When Yosef sits down with Clare, he says a lot of shit. And for a while, Clare just listens (though you can almost see her blood boiling) while he says, and I quote: “I feel like a lot of these guys are appeasing you,” “A completely classless display,” “I expected more from the oldest bachelorette there’s ever been,” “I’m ashamed to be associated with you,” “You overreacted and it sounded a little crazy,” and, of course, the big one: “You’re not setting the right example for my daughter.” Y I K E S.

Emily: To me, the worst part was when he told Clare every moment he was there was a moment away from his daughter. And then Clare tried to relate to him by saying, “Yeah, my mom is dying.” And then Yosef completely steamrolled over her and told her to stop talking because he was still talking. Can you imagine someone opening up to you about their dying mother and responding in such a way? 

Susan: I don’t want to give Yosef much more time in this recap, but I just want to say, he’s obviously an asshole and showed some abusive behavior. Shout out to his ex-wife for not being married to him anymore. 

Emily: As Yosef leaves, we get the moment The Bachelorette has been teasing for weeks. Yosef says that he expected more from the Oldest Bachelorette Ever (again). Clare says, “I’m the oldest Bachelorette because I didn’t settle for men like that.” It’s the moment we’ve been waiting for, and it was (surprisingly) even more dramatic than the preview made it seem. This is basically the Fence Jump moment of Clare’s season, which is normally worth 20 points, but since it’s coming so early in the season, I’d say it’s only worth 10 points. Bye, Yosef! 

Susan: Enter: Dale. He swoops in to hug her and comfort her, and Clare is even more into him than she was 30 minutes ago, which was already way more than she was into anyone else. “It’s not even the second rose ceremony yet, but I’m so falling in love with Dale.” 

Emily: I’m giving Dale 5 points for being the only man who could have comforted Clare in this time. Obviously.

Susan: This is where we have to start talking about the edit of this episode, as well as the impending Tayshia switcheroo. Chris Harrison sits down with Clare and is definitely leading her toward saying she already knows it’s Dale. This conversation, along with others in this episode, makes me more certain that Tayshia was always part of the plan. 

Emily: While they’re waiting for Clare, all the dudes are acting outraged that Yosef acted in such a way. Chasen says, “You can’t disrespect a female like that,” which should be negative points, because this is sexist language, but Chasen is on my team, and we don’t actually give negative points. Thank goodness.

Susan: The cocktail party is cut short (dates/parties getting cut short is the theme of this episode), and we go right to the rose ceremony. The men who receive roses are: Dale, Demar, Joe, Bennett, Ed, and Ivan from Team I Just Met My Husband, and Zac C., Brendan, Jordan, Jay, Eazy, Ben, Kenny and Zach J. from Team Reckless on Instagram. Riley and Jason from Emily’s team, and Blake Moynes from Susan’s team already had roses.

We say goodbye to Blake Monar and Tyler (who?) from Susan’s team and Garin from Emily’s team. That dude got his whole junk out for nothing last episode. 

Emily: I’m really sad that we lost Garin. I liked him a lot. I feel like we could be friends. Garin, call me.

Susan: Just jumping in here to say that Ben is very cute. Why isn’t he getting more screen time? Oh, right. Dale.

Emily: I can’t remember what Ben looks like. Looks-wise, I’m here for Demar and Ivan. After the rose ceremony, Dale says in a confessional that he already feels protective of Clare because “I have four sisters. I’m the only boy.” Once again, apparently, men only know how to be nice if they are related to a woman personally. I always find this so weird. What if I said, “I don’t want to do anything hurtful to men. I have a brother.” It would be weird, right? Yeah, it’s weird when you say it too, dudes. 

Susan: The next day, Chris Harrison tells the men that everyone is getting dates this week. Which is...kind of true, but not really. The first group date card says, “Today we separate the men from the boys” (eyeroll), and it’s for Jason, Jay, Eazy, Chasen, Blake (no more last name!), Ed (who?), Riley, and Dale. 

Emily: I wonder what that date was going to be about? Because it never happens. The dudes just sit around waiting for Clare while Clare gets advice from former Bachelorette DeAnna. Clare basically tells DeAnna she’s already chosen Dale, because, “He checks the boxes that I don’t know are boxes.” 

Susan: The conversation with DeAnna is where it became crystal clear that the show is going to go with a really unflattering edit for Clare leading up to her exit. This conversation probably went on for a loooong time (which is likely why the day date is canceled—more on that in a minute), but we only get the snippets where she’s talking about Dale, getting emotional over Dale, and hugging Dale’s pants. Yes, you read that right. 

Emily: Meanwhile, the dudes are still waiting. At this point, I imagine some of the guys are wanting to do what Troy Barnes (Donald Glover) did in this scene of Community: 

Susan: The soundbite of Clare saying “This might be the shortest season ever” felt like it was taken out of context (like a lot of the editing this season), and it seems obvious they want us to believe that Clare leaving early is going to be 100% Clare’s idea, when we know that’s not the case.

Emily: I’m really confused about what happens next. It’s now full on dark outside, and Clare shows up like, “Sooo I canceled the day date and we’re just going to do an extra long cocktail party.” She tries to frame this like it’s a fun, cool thing. But it’s really not. I really don’t understand why this happened. Was this really her decision? If so, this is shitty. If not, how did producers convince her to claim this as her own decision? I’m starting to feel like she’s really dumb enough to be manipulated into playing into this narrative. 

Susan: How will we ever separate the men from the boys?!

Emily: Once the cocktail party starts, Dale is like, “So if no one minds, I’m going to speak to Clare first. Just for like five minutes. And can we have a group hug?” All the dudes are like, ew. But they do the group hug anyway because Dale’s gone and made it weird. Reader, Dale was not with Clare for only 5 minutes.

Susan: Clare and Dale giggle maniacally, tell each other they are perfect, and then start dry humping. This apparently goes on for 45 minutes to an hour. 

Emily: So about the points… They make out for 2 points. It gets horizontal for an extra 1 point. There’s also some butt grabbing (and more) for 3 more points. 

Susan: The other dudes, back at the “extra long cocktail party,” are just sitting quietly and pondering questioning whether those brain-tickling Covid tests were worth it. Eazy finally makes a move and knocks on Clare’s door. Dale acts like they were just sitting in the living room chilling and pretends he doesn’t have a boner right now. Eazy looks deeply uncomfortable as Clare and Dale giggle their way through saying goodbye to each other.

Emily: This whole evening, like the entirety of the episode, is awkward as hell. We get a clip of Clare asking a producer if they can hurry the rest of the night along. 

Susan: For the rest of the men, we just see a series of interruptions and what seem like brief conversations, but again, this edit is just leaning wayyyy into the “Clare loves Dale” storyline, so I can’t really tell how much time she spent with the non-Dales.

The big controversy of the evening is that Dale interrupts Jay’s time and...pretends he didn’t know Clare was in that room? Dale and Clare resume making out against a wall (+1 more point) until Chasen interrupts and they pretend they weren’t just kissing. Cue more giggling.

Emily: There is a clear moment here where Dale is for sure hiding a boner. I’ve never seen something so obviously a boner-hider on this show before, and I feel like this needs to be commemorated. So 2 more points for Dale’s boner.

Susan: When Clare joins the guys again, they all look annoyed, but Riley wins Best Facial Expressions for this episode. She says she enjoyed every single conversation. (Yeah right, because Ed was seriously blowing bubbles in his beer while they talked. Wtf?) But ultimately, she gives the group date rose to—you guessed it—Dale (10 points). Then she’s like “K byeeee I’m going to bed!”

Emily: The dudes are pissed that the whole night was The Dale show. At first Dale tries to play it off like he doesn’t know what the guys are talking about. But eventually, Dale says that he feels like he was the best man suited to talk to Clare tonight after the night she’d had with Yosef. 

Susan: Time for the next date. Zach J. is off to attend the world’s most useless one-on-one date. Let’s not pretend Clare is remotely interested in him. But he still gets 20 points just for being invited. 

Emily: Clare tries to tell the camera that she’s excited for the date. But when she goes to pick up Zach for the date, she can’t help but comment that Dale looks super hot in his little hat. But she guesses she has to go with Zach on this date. Anyway, Zach and Clare go to a spa and get pedicures etc. Clare is imagining Dale giving her a massage. 

Susan: Zach says he’s a pretty high-strung guy and he doesn’t relax that easily. Also, this is a pretty lame date if I’m being honest. On top of the fact that they are just at the hotel spa (which doesn’t even look that cool?), there is absolutely zero chemistry between them. The edit continues to drive the narrative because this entire date is cut with Clare’s ITMs about just wishing she was with Dale instead. I assume that is only a fraction of the ITM footage they have, and I also assume that if this was a “normal” season without a switch coming, we would never hear those kinds of ITMs.

Emily: Absolutely. 

Susan: Back at the “mansion,” aka: in a slightly different part of the resort, Chasen, Jason, and Zac. C. speculate about whether Dale and Clare were in contact before the show. 

Emily: I don’t read spoilers, but I do know that Reality Steve insists Clare and Dale weren’t in contact before the show, and I believe they weren’t. 

Susan: I’m going to try to explain what happens here, but I’ll admit, I was a little confused. Clare says she’s going to go get ready for dinner, and she leans in to kiss Zach. She stops short of his face, seemingly because she thinks Zach is not reciprocating. He doesn’t lean in, but he isn’t leaning away, either. It seems like just an awkward moment between two people who have no real chemistry. But then it all goes wayyyy south after this. 

I watched this whole part twice to try to dissect it. (That’s how committed I am to these recaps, folks!) While I don’t think Zach intended to make Clare uncomfortable and was likely reacting out of his own anxiety when he saw the situation getting worse, the result is the same, and the result is what ultimately matters here. Grabbing her triggered something for her, and she’s allowed to feel that way, especially as a survivor of abuse. Even if you’re not a survivor of abuse, being physically held back when you’re uncomfortable and trying to leave does not feel good. 

Emily: Yeah, I mean, I’ve read a lot of people defending Zach online, so let me be clear. I don’t think Zach necessarily did anything wrong. And if Clare had been into him, this whole thing would have gone differently. I don’t think Zach is an abusive person. And I don’t think anyone is trying to say he is. However, Clare was clearly not into him and was trying to force something that wasn’t there. At some point, it made her uncomfortable. Which is understandable, because this whole date was uncomfortable to watch. And then Zach made it worse by trying to pull her into a kiss even as she was walking away. As someone who has been in an abusive relationship, I can totally understand why this would be triggering. But yeah. It’s complicated. Communication is hard. 

Susan: I think Clare’s initial reaction to the non-lean-in was a knee-jerk response to feeling embarrassed because she thought she was being rejected (by someone she doesn’t seem to like much anyway). Her reaction to being touched is coming from somewhere else, and I don’t really think we can fault her too much for feeling that way, even if Zach did not mean to do it or didn’t understand it in the moment. 

Emily: I agree. Anyway, Clare is so uncomfortable that she can’t even bring herself to face Zach again. She sends Chris Harrison to do her dirty work. Chris Harrison shows up to dinner and tells Zach that Clare will not be coming. Zach says, “There was a misunderstanding there and I don’t know how this possibly happened. I thought we were in a solid spot.” So clearly he was on a different date that we didn’t see. Either way, he’s gone. When they come to grab Zach’s bags, Dale says he isn’t surprised. Okay, Dale. Calm down.

Susan: Time for the next group date! It’s a roast, and Margaret Cho is there to help them. This is a date where they’d normally perform in front of an actual live audience, but since that’s not possible, the live audience is just...the men who were on the other date. Womp womp.

Emily: Margaret Cho calls the guys The Jonas Brothers Tabernacle Choir, which is bizarre and I love it. 

Susan: I thought this date would be fun, but because of the way this episode is edited, we pretty much only get to hear jokes about Dale, most of which aren’t even funny. 

Emily: Hmm yeah I think the jokes were probably not funny in general. They aren’t usually funny because they’re not comedians. I’m not blaming Dale for this one.

Susan: The cocktail party is also about Dale, even though Dale isn’t on this date. The only subject of conversation we get to hear is Clare asking every single dude she talks to about why they roasted Dale so hard. A few of them try to steer the conversation back to their own relationship with Clare, but it doesn’t seem like they are successful. Clare is here to ask questions about Dale and look hot in her yellow sparkly dress. This woman pulls off spaghetti straps like no one I’ve ever seen.

Emily: Yes, let’s be very clear. Clare is hot. Anyway, the men are starting to feel discouraged because Clare only seems interested in Dale. Bennett (who is surprisingly delightful… who knew?) comes to Clare’s defense. “She’s a smart, mature girl. I don’t think it’s a done deal,” he says. Welp. 

Susan: This cocktail party is edited much like the rest of the episode, but I can’t blame all of this part on the edit. Clare clearly had the exact same Dale-centric conversation with multiple men, and it does feel like she’s not interested in them at all, except for as a means to get information about Dale. It’s disappointing because there are some real cuties on this date (Ben! Brendan!) who seem cool and smart, but we’ll probably never get to know anyone except Dale “I have sisters so I know how to treat women” Moss. 

Emily: Susan, I feel like we must have very different taste in men because I still don’t know who the fuck Ben or Brendan are.

Susan: Clare returns to the group to hand out the group date rose. Except she doesn’t. She says she is very conscious of the conversations they’re having and she knows what she wants, and she didn’t get what she needed from them on this date. They don’t seem to feel she’s given them much either, and rightfully so. I think this is the first time I’ve seen a lead not give out a group date rose?

Emily: At the end of the episode, Clare tells a producer that she couldn’t give out a rose when they were talking bad about her fiancé like that. So yeah. Clare just called Dale her fiancé. That’s got to be worth at least 10 points. 

Susan: Next week’s promo is a key part of the episode because it ends with...TAYSHIA popping out of the pool looking like a beautiful goddess. I immediately texted Emily about how hot she looked. I think we should address what Rachel Lindsay said about this reveal though, because she made some great points. 

Emily: I’m just going to link to it cause… yeah. Take it away, Rachel.

Susan: Overall, this episode was far less enjoyable than the first two. It just felt like the show really wants us to want Clare to leave by the time we see Tayshia. I’m excited for Tayshia because I really like her, but I’d also like to just be happy for Clare if she is happy, especially because it looks like Tayshia was always part of production’s plan for this season. 

Emily: Yeah, it would be nice to just have both Bachelorettes without dragging one of them under the bus. I guess we’ll see what happens next week. 

Team I Just Met My Husband (Emily)

Dale: 34

Yosef: 10 (Eliminated)

Riley: 

Chasen: 

Jason: 

Ivan

Joe

Garin: Eliminated

Demar

Bennett

Ed

Last Episode Total: 70

This Episode Total: 44

Total: 114

Team Reckless on Instagram (Susan)

Blake Moynes: 

Eazy: 

Ben

Brendan

Jordan

Zach J.: 20 (Eliminated)

Blake Monar: Eliminated

Zac C.

Tyler: Eliminated

Kenny

Jay

Last Episode Total: 17

This Episode Total: 20

Total: 37