Our own positivity about this episode is surprising, even to us. But in a post-Trump world, we’re just breathing a little easier, and maybe a sappy, over-the-top love story was just what we needed while we waited on election results this week. So yeah, we’re pretty much all in on Clare and Dale. Come at us. Let’s see how the teams did this week.

Emily: We begin this episode where we left off last week. Clare has left the most recent group date without awarding anyone with the group date rose. Mostly because none of them are Dale. And understandably the dudes are not happy. 

Susan: While the men talk to each other about their disappointment that Clare never gave out a group date rose (and therefore deprived one of our teams of 10 coveted points!), Clare is busy journaling in her suite, presumably doodling variations of “Mrs. Clare Moss” in the margins.

Emily: Then Chris Harrison saunters in to do what they’ve been teeing up to do all season: get rid of Clare as The Bachelorette. Yes, we’ve hinted at it before, but Susan and I are fully on board with the rumors and conspiracy theories that suggest this was ABC’s plot all along. Chris has been (not so gently) nudging Clare towards Dale since night one. And now she’s right where he wants her. 

Susan: This level of earnestness doesn’t come naturally to Chris Harrison. He seems like he needs a mimosa. Clare admits that during quarantine, she looked at her contestants’ social media profiles. (Because, yeah, who wouldn’t?) Clare really liked Dale’s posts about his mother and his sister, and she felt they could connect.

Emily: Then Chris, in an attempt to seem candid and cool, says, “Don’t fuck with me. Were you talking to Dale before the show?”

Susan: Clare swears on her father’s grave (ok, wow) that she and Dale never had any contact before the show. I believe her.

Emily: I do too. I can totally understand falling for someone just through their social media. Especially when you’re Clare Crawley. She tells Chris, "I spent years knowing what I don’t want, and it gave me so much clarity coming into this to focus on what I do want. I feel like Dale is my match.”

Susan: And then we get the iconic line they’ve been teasing us with all season: “Congratulations, you’ve just blown up The Bachelorette.” It’s no “I f*cked in a windmill,” but it’ll be remembered for a few seasons.

Emily: You know Chris was so pleased with himself when he delivered that line. Anyway, time to tell the men that they’re all dumped right? Wrong. Not yet anyway.

Susan: I love that when Chris delivers the news to the men, he starts with “There won’t be a cocktail party.” They’re probably like, “Holy shit, is anything not canceled this season?” Then Chris tells them there won’t be a rose ceremony either, and these dudes absolutely cannot compute. They all blink a lot. 

Emily: Then Chris calls Dale outside to chat, and Chris is definitely trying to give off “Student Gets Called to the Principal’s Office” vibes. But I don’t know if the fake out is working. I think everyone knows Dale is about to get special time with Clare. And by “special time,” I mean, yes, they are about to go to bone town. But not before dinner. This is a 1-on-1 date, so 20 points for Dale. 

Susan: Clare is wearing yet another wonderful dress for her dinner date with Dale. It looks like a finale gown. I wish I’d been wearing something so fabulous the last time I told someone I loved them. That is how you get someone to propose 12 days in.

Emily: Full disclosure, I had just started my period when I was watching this and I was going on very little sleep, so maybe that’s partially to blame for my emotional reaction. But also this was all just really sweet and sincere. Clare tells Dale, “Every time I wake up, I think about you, and when I go to bed at night, I think about you.” Awwww. Then Clare tells Dale she’s falling in love with him, which is worth 20 points. Dale responds by saying, “When we met, I felt love, and that’s what I came here for. And I’m falling in love with you through this process.” Another 10 points. Clare says, “Everyone who told me to settle and told me that the man I’m looking for isn’t out there, I’m having dinner with him right now.” Again, AW! 

Susan: I got a little misty when she said “I’m having dinner with him right now.” It was cute as hell. And overall, I really enjoyed this date because it felt like watching an actual date where people bond over shared experiences and learn about each other. We had to watch a whole ass season of Pilot Pete just saying things like “You have to follow your heart” and “You have to open up.” Tell me again why he didn’t have a four-episode season because there is no excuse.

Emily: I’m still really angry I had to watch a whole season of Pilot Pete. It was so bad. If anyone ever tries to say Juan Pablo was the worst Bachelor ever, I beg you to revisit his season and compare it to the trainwreck that was Peter. Anyway, I’m rambling. What’s happening?

Susan: This date is another reason why I want more “older” contestants on this show. They have actual life experiences to talk about. Remember when Luke P.’s big traumatic story was that he used to have a lot of sex but now he doesn’t? Or Madi’s team didn’t win a basketball game or some shit? Give me more 30+ people all day every day.

Somewhere else in the resort, it seems like the rest of the contestants have just been abandoned. They’re just sitting around like...is anyone gonna update us or…?

Emily: The dudes are all speculating on what’s going on with Dale and why he’s been gone for so long. Most of them are so certain there’s no way Clare is just choosing Dale now. Because Clare wouldn’t do them like that. Sorry, guys, she’s doing you like that.

Susan: I was starting to get worried this season wouldn’t have any private concerts, but thank goodness, I was wrong. Chris and Bri from Listen to Your Heart sing what I have to admit is a very catchy song (5 more points for Dale). Clare and Dale head back to her suite where they are 100% definitely going to bang.

Emily: Having watched (and recapped) Listen to Your Heart, I can confirm that Chris and Bri are delightful. And I checked, and it seems like they voted for Biden, so listen away! Anyway, after the private concert, Clare and Dale definitely bang, so that’s 15 points for Dale. I really appreciate Dale doing his best to give me as many points as possible before he dips. 

Susan: The next morning, Clare and Dale are totally blissed out just snuggling away. Dale somehow thinks the rest of this season is still going to happen. He must be new here. Back on the other side of the resort, one of the guys says that Dale has been gone for 18 hours. And for some unknown reason, they still believe he didn’t stay the night with Clare. Guys, come on. 

Emily: After Dale leaves, Chris returns and is like, “Wow, it smells like sex like here. You know what this means? You’d better get married right away to preserve your honor.” Or something like that. Clare tells Chris she’s so in love with Dale: “It’s seriously true. You know when you know. And I know… Dale is everything to me. He’s literally the reason I haven’t settled. And I’m so excited to move forward with him.” 

Susan: This conversation is a huge reminder of how hard this show pushes for proposals. Like, do they have to get engaged tonight? That was my first thought. But as the show went on, my cold heart warmed, and these two just seem so goddamn happy that I can’t hate on it. If they both want to get engaged, what the hell—go for it. What did annoy me this episode was—again—the editing. I felt like the show painted Clare as over-eager and made it look like Dale was hesitant. But seeing them together, it’s pretty clear that Dale is just as invested as Clare is. So I’m way over the “CLaRe iS cRaZy” narrative when both of them made this decision. While the show might push for it, no one forced Dale to propose. Anywho.

Emily: Meanwhile, these dudes are still sitting around like, “Is Dale coming get back? Did he get kidnapped? IS DALE STILL ALIVE?!?!!” Finally, Clare shows up and tells the guys she doesn’t want to lead anyone on. She doesn’t want to devalue any of the conversations she’s had with any of the other guys, but she’s found the one, and “the one” is Dale. She promises them she didn’t talk to Dale before the show started. One dude who I don’t know says, “You should apologize for faking it when you knew that you were into Dale from the first night.” I guess this guy’s name is Kenny. Chris Harrison is loving this, by the way.

Susan: LOL who does Kenny think he is? Do we even know who Kenny is? I’m still giving him 2 points for his last-ditch effort at drama. Blake didn’t come off great either. He keeps saying he’s afraid Clare will get hurt, but what is the evidence for this? Most of the guys are nice about it. Ben gets 2 points for being the most supportive.

When Clare leaves, Blake says he bought a book on dementia and Alzheimer’s to better understand what Clare’s mom is going through. That’s sweet, but like, it doesn’t mean Clare has to love you. 

Emily: It absolutely doesn’t. This is some, “I’m a nice guy, bitch” shit and I’m not here for it. Blake is dead to me. Anyway, Chris Harrison has moved on and is calling Neil Lane, who is definitely living his best quarantined life and is like, “ugh, I’m not trying to be on the Bachelorette today.” But Neil, we need a tacky engagement ring STAT! Get to work! It’s time for these crazy kids to get engaged. 

Susan: Clare waits for Dale in a white dress, looking bridal as hell and, of course, super hot. Chris Harrison ominously says there’s something he needs to tell her. Drum roll, please… “We are so proud of you.” Good lord, Chris. Get on with it. Dale and Clare just look so good together. I know that’s not important, but damn. They’re both so fine. Anyway, Dale seems calm but very happy, and I think he projects more certainty than Twitter would have you believe. 

Emily: Yes, they both seem so into each other, and all of this is very sweet and seems real to me. I really hope they make it. I think I must’ve been full-on tears at this point because I have very little in the way of notes, but I do know they both told each other that they were completely  in love. And per the rules, that’s 15 points for Dale saying it to her, and 25 points for Clare saying it to him. 

Susan: Dale says, “You made it so clear and apparent at every phase of this that you believed in us. I know without a shadow of a doubt that you would go to the end of the world for me, and I’ve never had that, and I’m so grateful for that. The best is yet to come, and I’m not going anywhere, and I wanna make you happy each and every day.” When he kneels, they’re both like “OMG you’re doing it!” Again, it’s super cute. I love proposals, y’all. Even when I’m not that invested, every time someone proposes on this show, I get a little weepy.

Emily: 100% me too. Every time. I love love.

Susan: Dale gets 50 points for the proposal.

Susan: The other men are still here and they have no idea this happened. But don’t worry, Chris Harrison—who has really been working overtime this episode—comes to deliver the news that Clare and Dale are engaged. Everyone looks confused. Chris tells the men that their “journey” is not over, and if they want to stay, they should be dressed and ready that evening. Because after two episodes, we might finally get a cocktail party up in this bitch. 

Emily: As happy as I am for Dale and Clare, at this point in the episode I AM SO READY for Tayshia and really bummed we dragged out this engagement bit for so long, because it means we have very little Tayshia time this episode. 

Susan: A few of them men try to act like this is a difficult decision. Jason and Blake in particular pretend to think it over, but we all know they’re staying. People who leave after a few episodes have less successful Instagram influencer jobs after the show.

Emily: The biggest fake out is Jason, who takes a little time to get ready before finally showing up. Of course he’s not wearing any socks because none of these men own socks. But otherwise, he’s dressed and ready to meet a new Bachelorette. 2 points for Jason for being a diva after only having one date with Clare. 

Once all the guys are there, Chris is like, “the next person who walks in will be the bachelorette or maybe your wife.” Chris, stop. But yay, Tayshia!

Susan: Tayshia exits the limo to what I can only describe as Disney princess music. She looks hot, as always, and I’m very excited to see her. I feel weirdly proud of her because she was on my team in Colton’s season. It’s like I coached her on to this victory. 

Emily: My last note for this episode is this: TAYSHIA LOOKS BEAUTIFUUUUUUUULLLLL!!!

Let’s tally up Dale’s points!

Team I Just Met My Husband (Emily)

Dale: 140
Riley: 
Chasen: 
Jason: 2
Ivan:
Joe:
Demar:
Bennett:
Ed:

Last Episode Total: 114
This Episode Total: 142
Total: 256

Team Reckless on Instagram (Susan)

Blake: 
Eazy: 
Ben: 2
Brendan:
Jordan:
Zac C.
Kenny: 2
Jay:

Last Episode Total: 37
This Episode Total: 4
Total: 41

Can Susan’s team ever catch up to Emily’s team? Or will Emily’s team be lost without Dale? Tune in next week to find out!