This week had departures, arrivals, truths, and dares! It had hot peppers, Lunchables, carbs, and giant ears! All of this and only one group date? How, you ask? Because ABC can make literally anything last two hours. Let’s see how the teams did this week.

Emily: We open on Thomas, who is going for a jog. Meanwhile, unbeknownst to him, the whole house is talking mad shit. Quartney says, “I thought he was just a good dude but really he’s just a good talker.” Here is my question for everyone who tuned in: is Thomas a good talker? Let’s revisit this later. But think about that. 

Susan: Well, he does approach every interaction as if he runs his local Toastmasters Club. But more on that later.

Emily: The group date card for this week says, “Be daring in the name of love.” And I phrase it like that because this will be the only date this week. Heavy sigh. Susan, I don’t know about you, but this felt like a super duper slow episode. I read that Katie ended her season a little early (we don’t know why, so no spoilers here), so this felt like an episode that was used to stretch out the time by a lot. Like. One date. The whole episode. It’s a two-hour show, people. Consider this. 

Susan: So slow. Anyway, this one and only group date is a game of Truth or Dare...kind of. Tayshia and Kaitlyn have “set up” a series of “dares” around the property. The men are broken up into teams of two to go from dare to dare and document their journey in photos. Tre is big hype for this date for some reason. He says, “I’m willing to do whatever it takes. I just don’t wanna throw up today.” I felt this because throwing up would also be my main concern.

Emily: The first stop on the date of dares is the “Mystery Snack Shack.” At this station, the contestants will be forced to eat a ton of carbs while they stare at the calorie counts. I really hate dates where people are forced to eat food they don’t want to eat. It makes me very uncomfortable. But Mike is freaking out because apparently he hasn’t had a carb in seven years. Like. Please. This is why Mike is on no one’s team. I cannot abide a carb-hater. 

Susan: I don’t get why anyone would go through life without the pleasure of carbs. He also says that Katie better still love him if he “gets fat.” Mike, no. 

Emily: The next stop is this weird ear thing where they have to talk sexy to Katie. Somehow someone convinced them that Katie, Tayshia, and Kaitlyn would not be listening in, but they most definitely are. Andrew S. once again pulls out his British accent, which is becoming really grating, as much as I do like Andrew. He’s just sexier with his American accent. The whole Bridgerton roleplay thing? Not working for me.

Susan: I agree. It makes everything he says feel like a joke. But he does do better than ol’ Greg. Greg does what I can only imagine a seventh grader would do if given this challenge. He talks “sexily” about...the 50 states? He describes Florida as “nice...and long...and deeP” (yes, with a capital P for emphasis. Nothing gets a girl wet like talking about Florida, am I right?

Emily: The next dare? They have to wax the hairiest part of their body. This is another thing I hate. This is one of those things that we’re supposed to laugh at because women wax their bodies all the time and men (supposedly) have no idea what that feels like and can’t endure it. Tre waxes his butt cheeks, and he says, “I’ve never had my cheeks out in front of another man in my life,” which also seemed borderline homophobic, but I don’t know. I guess we’re just going to let that slide. 

Susan: Honestly I don’t mind watching men get waxed. As much as I get waxed, it’s nice to watch someone else endure it. The butt thing was weird because he chose the body part to wax, so like, he could have just picked somewhere else? I think he did it because he was nervous and butts aren’t that hairy. Armpits would have been WAY worse, but whatever. Anyway…

Next all of the men have to eat two habanero peppers and propose to Katie. The idea is that they’ll be “crying” while they propose. Can someone please tell me why this show loves making people eat peppers so much? This is the third instance I can think of. 

Emily: After all of these dumb dares, it’s time for the evening portion of the date. Katie tells the guys that tonight is going to be all about the truth. Cue dramatic music.

Andrew S. is the first to get one-on-one time with Katie, and he’s got something super special planned for her: a platter of Taco Bell. I’m just gonna say it. I don’t get why people are obsessed with Taco Bell. It’s gross. But yeah, apparently Katie loves Taco Bell, so this is really working for her. It also looks like there’s some sort of gross fruit candy on this plate and some Lunchables. So really just a delectable spread of goodies. Andrew tells Katie he’s never had anyone understand him the way she does, and he values all the time he’s had with her. They make out (2 points). 

Susan: Occasionally, Taco Bell does hit the spot. Those occasions usually coincide with me being drunk, sure, but still. Andrew M. and Mike P. both talk to Katie and mostly speak in relationship cliches about making each other better, sacrificing for each other, etc. You get the idea. When she sits down with Greg, they talk about how much they like their “connection.” She says that he isn’t trying to impress her, but that just being himself is impressing her. She tells Greg she’s starting to fall for him (10 points), and they kiss (2 points).

Emily: Back in the group date waiting area, Tre is getting restless. He thinks he needs to tell Katie about Thomas, since Katie said tonight is all about truth. Andrew STRONGLY DISAGREES. Andrew says, “I get that Thomas crossed some boundaries, but we handled it in the house, so we don’t need to bring it up with Katie.” Tre says, “I believe if I want to protect her feelings, I have to tell her about Thomas.” Andrew points out that he doesn’t think they should waste the only time they have with Katie talking shit about some other dude in the house. I feel like Andrew S. is the only person talking sense in this group right now, so 5 points to Andrew for being right. 

Susan: Tre sits down with Katie and gets right to it: “I just want to let you know of someone who maybe might not be here for you. And I feel like that’s Thomas. There’s a pattern of manipulative behavior with him. This morning, he basically had to be asked several times if he wanted to be the Bachelor.” And after four times, Thomas of course admitted it. Katie is shook, and I’m still confused because ALL OF THEM THOUGHT ABOUT THIS AT LEAST A LITTLE BIT. 3 points to Tre for being a narc.

Emily: It’s that time in the evening where everyone starts wondering who’s going to get the group date rose. There are a few contenders. There’s Mike, who got fat for Katie today by eating a carb (his words, not mine). There’s Greg, who begged multiple times to be validated because he has fallen victim to the first 1-on-1 date of the season insecurity. Then there’s Andrew, who offered up a delightful spread of room temperature Taco Bell. 

But Tre’s the one who’s really gunning for that rose. Tre says, “If I get a rose tonight, then it means she’s grateful that I was honest with her.” Andrew is still not on board with this BS. He says, “I heard her at the rose ceremony say to trust her, and I’m gonna trust her. You guys don’t want drama, but you spark it. This is unreal bro. You kill the whole vibe. Buzz Killington. Unreal.”

Susan: And the rose goes to...Mr. Buzz Killington himself. 10 points to Tre, who just solidified himself a comfortable spot as Katie’s friend and not her potential husband. Andrew is aghast. Quartney says that whatever Thomas says in response to this whole situation will be “a bunch of baloney, and who likes baloney?” I like to think this was a subtle dig at Andrew’s use of Lunchable meat on his Taco Bell tray.

Emily: I hope everyone enjoyed that group date, because that’s the only one we’re getting. 

Emily: Next up, we get a visit from Tayshia, who is apparently THE LAST person Katie expected to see. I can come up with a lot of people who might have been at her door that would be less likely than Tayshia, but oh well. I guess Katie lacks the imagination. Anyway, Tayshia tells Katie, “I had someone from my past reach out to me, and he really felt passionately you guys would be an amazing match. I think he’s an amazing guy, and I truly feel like he’s someone with good intentions.” 

I really don’t understand why The Bachelorette is trying to pretend like we don’t know it’s Blake right now when they’ve been teasing Blake’s arrival all season. This is infuriating.

Susan: After making us wait a whole commercial break for the big reveal (that we already saw in every season preview), Katie approaches her new suitor and—surprise—it’s Blake Moynes. You might remember him and his beard from Clare/Tayshia’s season. Apparently he and Katie DMed a good bit before she was cast, and he doesn’t want to wonder “what if?” so he has to come try to date her. Katie says it is concerning that she would be the third bachelorette he’s dated (LOL, this world is so weird), but she gives him a pretty firm “maybe” and sends him away to await her decision.

Emily: Katie’s got a lot of stuff to think about. Thank goodness our lovely hosts Kaitlyn and Tayshia are here to discuss it with her. Katie tells her girls all about Thomas and how he *gasp* THOUGHT ABOUT BEING THE BACHELOR AT ONE TIME. I’ll be honest. I have thought about what it would be like to be the Bachelor before. And I have never been on this show. I’m not even a man. My point is that everyone on this show has absolutely thought about being the Bachelor/ette at some point, and these three women (who have all BEEN The Bachelorette) sitting there acting shocked is just… well, it’s dumb. 

Susan: Emily! If you’ve thought about being the Bachelor, you cannot do these recaps. It’s a conflict of interest! You’ve got some explaining to do before next week to convince me you’re here for the right reasons. Anyway, Katie gets emotional here, so Thomas gets 5 points for making the lead cry.

Emily: Kaitlyn and Tayshia ask Katie how she plans to address the Thomas situation, and Katie says, “I’m trying to walk away engaged and that’s not a feeling I want to have going into an engagement. And I don’t think there’s anything he can say that can change my mind.”

Susan: Andrew S. warns Thomas about the drama, and Thomas says he’ll do whatever it takes to try to stay because he sees a relationship with Katie. I’m sure whatever he does won’t ruffle any additional feathers...

Emily: It’s cocktail party time, and everyone’s complaining that they haven’t had a lot of time with Katie this week, which you know means they’re all about to not have time with Katie this week a little bit more. Everyone’s like, “Where is Katie anyway? Where’s Thomas?”

Susan: Thomas, Thomas, Thomas. He goes to Katie’s room before the cocktail party and says he wanted to check in on her because a lot has been going on this week. She’s like “What’s been going on? Enlighten me.” Thomas understands “things have been said” about him, and he’s upset that he “hasn’t been able to have dialogues” about it. He’s just had to sit back and watch has his character has been “demonsterized.” I’m gonna guess this is a mashup of demonized, monster, demonstrated, and sterilized. None of which makes sense.

Emily: I’m really impressed with Katie in this moment, because she listens to Thomas say the word “demonsterized,” and she manages to keep a straight face. After Thomas is done with his speech, Katie says, “I’ve struggled so much when it comes to you, because I felt something with you, and then to have multiple people come forward and question your integrity, it’s a lot to consider.”

Susan: Is it though? Did she feel something for him, or is he just tall?

Emily: When Thomas finally shows up to the cocktail party, it’s midnight, and I’m tired just thinking about it because that is waaaaay past my bedtime. Aaron’s like, “Late to the party, eh?” Thomas tells them he really wanted to make sure not to take up any of their time, so he went to talk to Katie in her room before the cocktail party. They all look at their watches, completely befumbled. 

Susan: Thomas really struggles with self-awareness. Justin has to point out to him that by taking up time with Katie, he indeed did take up more time. It’s a wild concept, I know. 

Emily: Andrew S. is angry, but he’s feeling vindicated. He says, “I told you this would happen, guys, when you go behind someone’s back. Because there’s a ripple effect.” Because Tre told Katie about the drama with Thomas in the house, all of them have been affected and none of them have as much time with Katie. I wish I could give Andrew points again for being so right, but I will refrain.

Susan: Katie walks in and they all pretend they weren’t just yelling at each other. She tells Thomas that she’s sorry he’s felt ostracized by the group, and the men’s faces are priceless. Then she gives my favorite toast of all time: “I don’t even wanna say ‘cheers.’ We can get the night started.” 

Emily: It’s time for Brendan to take Katie aside to tell her he loves her qualities. What are her qualities? We don’t know. But Brendan loves them. 

Susan: Everyone starts their conversations with “I don’t wanna talk about Thomas, but here’s some stuff about Thomas.” Back on the cocktail couch, the guys are all still talking about him too. And Michael, our sweet voice of reason, reminds everyone that none of this drama would exist without Thomas, and that everyone here likes Katie and that’s what’s important. Our angel Michael talks to Katie and they’re gosh dang adorable together. He says he misses her, and she says she can’t stop thinking about their date. She’s even been thinking about where they could live after this. They make out for 2 points. 

Emily: Meanwhile, y’all, Thomas is just chilling in the relaxation room. Did we know The Bachelorette had a relaxation room?

Susan: Oddly enough, he doesn’t look relaxed. Before the rose ceremony, Katie tells Tayshia and Kaitlyn that she thinks she has to send Thomas home. All of the men are speculating that there is NO WAY Thomas can get a rose. Let’s see, shall we? As a reminder, since it’s been a while: Connor B., Michael, and Tre already have roses going in. 

Emily: Before we get started, Thomas has more to say. “Katie, I would like to openly acknowledge and apologize for any thought and any moment that I wasn’t here for the right reasons,” he says. “And to the guys, I want to openly acknowledge and apologize for any times of disrespect that you guys didn’t deserve. More importantly, any time that I diminished the value that you guys have as men.” Say what? Is this good talking? Look at the words he said. What does any of that mean? Is this even a real apology? 

Susan: I was more thrown off by the fact that he stepped forward, said all this mishmash, and then said “Thank you,” nodded as if he was receiving an award, and stepped back in line. What did I just watch? 

Emily: Let’s just give out these roses already. Roses go to Hunter, Greg, Justin, Brendan, Andrew S, Aaron, Mike P, James, Josh, Quartney, Andrew M. And then… she picks up the last rose and calls on… Thomas.

Susan: The men are flabbergasted. A “fuuuuck” is bleeped. Thomas steps close to Katie and she steps back from him. Now the men are lit up with excitement. Katie says, “You told me things I wanted to hear, but what I learned about you tonight is that you’re selfish, unkind, and a liar. Your bachelor audition ends tonight. So get out.”

Emily: So Thomas does not get that last rose. And apparently no one else does either. Going home tonight are David, Conor C., Christian, and of course Thomas. I’m really sad about losing David. He was so hot.

Susan: I hope we see you in Paradise, hot David! I ship him and Jessenia. Anyway, Katie goes to Blake’s door and he was apparently naked? He “threw on some boxers” to answer the door. She says if he is interested, she’d like him to stay and see if this becomes something. They hug, and Blake is officially moving into the “house” tomorrow. 

Emily: I’m really not at all excited to have Blake join us. But since Susan has lost a good bit of her team and since Blake was on her team last season, we’re going to let him hop on over to Susan’s team from here on out. So congrats, Susan. Blake will start raking in the points for Team What’s in the Box on the next episode. 

Susan: Welcome aboard this sinking ship, Blake! We’re thrilled to have you. Let’s see how this week’s points shook out.

Team Crazy Cat Lady

Connor B.  
Greg - 12
Aaron  
Andrew S. - 7
Justin 
David - eliminated
Brendan 
Quartney
Hunter 
Conor C. - eliminated

This Week: 19
Last Week: 110
Total: 129

Team What’s in the Box

Thomas - 5, eliminated
Michael - 2
Tre - 13
James 
Andrew M. 
Josh
Christian - eliminated

This Week: 20
Last Week: 71
Total: 91

The gap is closing ever so slightly...can Blake help out Team What’s in the Box next week? Meet us back here to find out!