What’s hotter than a day in the New Mexican desert? Trying not to touch yourself for a whole week while you live in close quarters with 10 other people! Oh, and a “roast”—those are heated too, right? Read on to find out if this week’s episode had us all hot and bothered or just left us feeling like we need to throw up in the middle of a group date. Let’s go!

Emily: We start this episode with a nice girl chat between Katie, Kaitlyn, and Tayshia. Watching these three awesome women talk about how the season has gone so far, I couldn’t help but think about how much better this was than watching Chris Harrison. Especially knowing that Kaitlyn and Tayshia will be back for Michelle’s season (yes, if you hadn’t heard, it’s true), I was just watching and thinking, “Yes, this is what hosts should be like.” 

Like, for instance, Katie tells the ladies that the men are “getting me fired up, and I hope I’m doing the same for them.” Kaitlyn responds, “Yeah you are. I saw your dress last night.” Imagine this same conversation with Chris. Wait, actually. Don’t.

Susan: So Katie has an idea to see just how hard she can make things for the guys. (Wow, I hate myself.) She wants them to “withhold their self-care as long as possible.” Kaitlyn says, “Like, not doing their skincare routine?” Kaitlyn, no, men don’t have skincare routines. They wash their face with their 3-in-1 shampoo. Anyway, what Katie means, in plain terms, is that they can’t jerk off for a week. Week Off Whacking Off, aka: Operation WOWO.

Emily: Kaitlyn is the one who has to break the news to the guys. Operation WOWO is a go. Kaitlyn tells them, “Stay off the lotion. Stop running the shower. Because Katie’s seeing who can hold out and be the master of your domain.” I’m not sure why this is happening, but here it is. Everyone says Blake is the one who is going to break the rules first, and I’m thinking… wow. Gross. But 2 points to Blake for being a notorious masturbator. 

Susan: Connor is my favorite thing about this very strange challenge. He lists off about 15 euphemisms for “no more whacking it,” including “no more how do you like them apples,” “no more Saturday morning balloon races,” and “no more solo hockey.” None of these make sense and therefore I really enjoyed the bit.

Emily: I liked it too. Anyhow, it’s time for the first one-one-one of the week, and it goes to Justin (20 points). Before we get into the date and the rest of the episode, I think we should take a moment to pause and acknowledge the information that came out about Justin this week. A Reddit post popped up over the weekend that revealed racist, colorist, sexist, homophobic tweets Justin apparently tweeted when he was a teenager.

Justin apologized for the tweets very quickly. He appeared on Bachelor Happy Hour earlier this week and said, “I have no issue with owning up and apologizing from the bottom of my heart for the really hurtful words that I used. When I look back at 14-year-old Justin, I was in high school and quite frankly I was the type of person who for whatever reason felt the need to fit in and say funny things and keep up with what my peers were doing and saying. The folks I had associated with would throw around really hurtful slurs that, at the time, I didn’t really think anything of.”

This reminds me a lot of what happened with Taylor Nolan a few months back, but it also feels a little different. I feel like we all say really idiotic things in high school, and while this doesn’t excuse it, I don’t think this is the person Justin is now. I don’t know. What are your thoughts on this?

Susan: I mean, I am really not upset about this. Do you know any 14-year-olds who aren’t total assholes? I am positive that if I had a Twitter account at 14, I’d be apologizing for being stupid right now. I think he handled this really responsibly and commendably. 

Emily: Yes, I am so thankful I did not have social media at 14. I was an idiot. We all were.

Susan: After Justin gets the date card, Hunter tells Greg he’s surprised Greg didn’t get a second one-on-one, because that happens sometimes. Then he tells Greg that he’s pretty sure Katie already picked her final four, and that he, Greg, and Connor are in it. (This little prediction plays out poorly later, but we’ll get there). Greg would like to be excluded from this narrative, please and thank you.

Emily: Okay, so on to Justin’s date. Franco is back to photograph their wedding photos, and again, he seems like a photographer in the same way Tyra Banks is a photographer on America’s Next Top Model. So in other words, not really a photographer at all. I kept trying to pay attention to what was happening on this date, but I couldn’t help thinking about how hot Justin is. I know we just finished talking about his problematic tweets, but still. He is hot.

Susan: My main note from this date was “God damn, Justin looks good in that suit.” So yeah, I’m with you. Katie walks down the aisle and Justin reacts exactly the way you’d want your hot AF groom to react. They read vows to each other, and Justin’s are better. Katie tries to make a painting metaphor that really falls apart. They pronounce themselves husband and wife and tell themselves to kiss, which they do for 2 points.

Emily: At the evening portion of the date, Katie tells Justin that taking wedding pictures was hard for her because it reminds her of her father, specifically the fact that her father won’t be there to walk her down the aisle. Then she drops a surprising fact that we didn’t know yet. She recently found out that her father was not her biological father. 

Susan: Katie said she struggled to build a relationship with a man she barely knew while she was mourning the man who raised her. That sounds really tough. Justin thanks her for sharing and for showing him more of herself and says he is honored he was chosen for this date, and he wants to know everything about her. 

Emily: Obviously, Justin gets the rose (10 points), and he gets a private concert (5 points). (I didn’t write down who the band was or whatever.) During the concert, Justin stands behind Katie, holding her, and he does something that Katie fucking loves. He kisses her on the neck. Her response to this was so strong I think Justin deserves another 1 point. Nice moves, Justin. 

Susan: This was a simple move, but I really liked it. It felt real. The artist’s name was MAX and I only remember that because it was in ALL CAPS and I thought it was DUMB.

Emily: It’s time for the group date, and the card says, “This queen is looking for her king.” What does it mean? Turns out there are drag queens on this date, because apparently we’re just using queer people as props on all of these highly heterosexual dates (first Franco, now the drag queens). Blake says, “I’ve never seen drag queens before so I don’t know if I should be checking them out or not.” So go ahead and add Blake being an idiot and a homophobe to the list of reasons you should not like Blake. 

Susan: Serious question: What does Blake think drag shows are? I really want to know what he imagines a drag show to be. Meanwhile, perfect angel Michael A. says, “If it’s drag day, I’m going all the way.” 2 points to him for commitment and openness. 

Emily: These dudes are trying to get around roasting each other however they can. Hunter says he’s just going to focus on how much he likes Katie. Greg wrote a poem. Everyone is very disappointed by this lackluster date. So finally, hoping to stir up some drama, one of the queens asks, “Who here is the least compatible with Katie?”

Susan: Pretty much everyone says it’s Hunter. Tre calls him out for saying he’s falling for Katie now, but answering the question differently when one of the drag queens asked him earlier. But like...it was a different question?

Emily: Hunter claims there’s no “Top 4 List.” He says he’s falling in love with Katie and it’s real to him, it’s not some game. Now all the guys are aghast that Hunter would lie about being in love with Katie. Tre says it’s important to build a relationship with honesty. Everyone starts calling Hunter out for getting on the forums. They call him a leprechaun. Like… I feel really sorry for Hunter here? What’s his crime? Knowing about the show he’s going on? How dare he understand how a show that’s been on for 20 years works! What an evil man! 

Susan: I’m with you. Do I think he’s the best possible match for Katie? No, probably not. But I also don’t think he’s done anything actually wrong.

Emily: Katie decompresses with the queens after the men have dispersed. She says that she’s really disappointed that all the guys had such bad things to say about Hunter. One queen points out that this was all hearsay, which is a really good point that Katie doesn’t listen to. But anyway. 

Susan: You know how Katie is though. If someone says a dude is bad/dishonest/hereforthewrongreasons, she really takes it to heart. When she arrives for the evening portion of the group date, she is all business. Hometowns are coming up, and she doesn’t have time to fuck around. If you like her, you better prove it right now, mister.

Emily: Andrew gets time first at the cocktail party. He tells Katie that he’s actually okay with the WOWO thing, and Katie says she’s really offended. I’m unsure of why that would offend her. Like just because a guy is masturbating doesn’t mean he’s thinking about you. But she’s not too terribly offended because they do make out (2 points). 

Susan: Greg, who always seems vaguely embarrassed, says he’s really embarrassed about the poem he read. I would be too because he read a poem at a roast. Anyway, Katie asks how he’s feeling about their connection because he seems hesitant. He tells Katie he is falling for her (10 points), and Katie says it back (20 points). They also kiss for 2 points. Meanwhile, the official Gossip Crew (Tre, Aaron, and James) are discussing—what else?—Hunter. When the larger group starts talking about Hunter too, Michael A. defends him, so he gets 2 more points for friendship and being so goddamn sweet.

Emily: Now it’s finally time for Katie to confront Hunter about… I’m not sure what. About why he’s a leprechaun? Hunter says he’s attempting to do his best not to get wrapped in the drama: “I’m trying my best to be an adult, but I can only handle my side of the street. I don’t want drama for you. I’m sorry.” Katie says, “I’m going to be honest. I don’t feel good right now. So I’m going to have to take a minute.” Then Katie goes to the bathroom to throw up, and I feel like if dudes can get points for making the Bachelorette cry, there should also be points for making her barf. Let’s say 3 points. 

Susan: Much like I would be after puking, Katie is done with today. She tells the guys she’s calling the night here, and she won’t be handing out a rose. She leaves and the smell of vomit wafts through the air. No one says a word.

Emily: Finally, it’s time for the second one-on-one date of the episode, and it goes to Connor (20 points). Katie says she’s so excited to see Connor. I legitimately love how Katie is still thinking about that cat costume. She says as soon as she saw him come out of the limo dressed up as a cat, she knew he was the one. Only… things have cooled for them since then. She’s not sure that spark is there. So today is really going to let her know if she can have that sexual chemistry with Connor that she has with some of the other guys. For this date, she and Connor will be double dating with Kaitlyn and Jason. 

This reminded me so much of Matt James’ one-on-one with Katie last season. Like, he appreciated Katie, but he knew he was going to send her home, so he picked a date for her where he wouldn’t actually have to interact with her one-on-one (Tyler was there). The exact same thing is happening here. Did you feel that vibe too straight away?

Susan: Oh, yeah. This date had major if-this-goes-wrong-I'll-have-my-friend-call-and-pretend-there’s-an-emergency energy. They’re going to have a cookout and play games.

Emily: First up, they’re playing volleyball. Connor and Katie are the Cool Cats, and Kaitlyn and Jason are the Dirty Dogs, and, like, this fits all of their personalities so well. I also just want to say I truly related to how bad Connor was at volleyball. That’s totally how I play volleyball too. As in. Not well. 

Susan: Connor, though terrible at volleyball, says emphatically: “I held my own. I set up a couple spikes and some whozeewhatsits.” I love that he has talked complete nonsense the entire episode so far. Jason is loving Connor. He clearly thinks the four of them can be friends in real life, like neighbors who regularly hang out on the weekends. 

Emily: As the daytime portion of the date wraps up, Connor asks what they’re going to do tonight, and Katie’s like… well… it all depends on how well you make out with me. No pressure or anything. But everything is riding on this moment. Jason and Kaitlyn are watching. The whole world is watching.

So they make out (2 points)… and then… commercial break.

Susan: Remember when I said after their first kiss that it didn’t look like a good kiss and the whole group text gave me shit because “good” depends on the person being kissed? Well, I was right. Katie looked uncomfy during the first kiss, and she looks uncomfy now. I’m not saying Connor is a bad kisser—I’m saying their kissing energy just did not match for me from the get-go.

Emily: Poor innocent Connor is just getting ready to have a nice cold stale dinner that he won’t actually eat. He has no idea that Katie was not feeling his kiss earlier. He says he wants to meet her family and he sees himself falling in love with her. I kept thinking about how a producer hyped him up to say all of this stuff, knowing that Katie was going to dump him. And I know this is not the first time a producer has done this, and it won’t be the last. But still. It sucks.

Susan: There’s a knock on the door and Connor is super surprised to see Katie, who is wearing an unmistakable breakup outfit of a hoodie and shorts. She’s already crying, so Connor gets 5 points. They sit down, and Katie tells him what an incredible man he is. When she struggles and says “I can’t even look at you right now,” Connor does a very kind thing and says, “It’s okay. I know where this is going. Just breathe. It’s okay.”

Emily: Connor asks Katie what happened, and Katie says, “I’ll be very honest because that’s all I’ve asked of you. When we kissed there was something missing. And that was hard for me because everything about us was so easy and so good. But when we kissed that was the one and only time that something was missing.” 

Susan: Connor also cries for 2 points.I know she’s all about honesty, and I definitely think it’s best to break up with him now rather than lead him on longer if she’s not feeling it, but I think this could have been delivered in a gentler manner.

Emily: Connor tells Katie that it’s okay, because he’s still just so glad he got to meet her. And with that… the cat love story is over. Katie is heartbroken, and she tells the camera, “He’s such a good guy. He knew I was about to break his heart and he still put me first. That’s a man you’d be lucky to be with. And I hope when he leaves he knows just how worthy he is of finding love.” Connor tells the cameras, “The most heartbreaking part is starting off that strong and like… how bad of a kisser am I?” And I feel so bad for him because there’s no way to not have a complex after that.

Susan: Yeah, that’s tough to hear and I can definitely see it sparking anxiety. But he’ll be a good kisser for someone he’s compatible with. We’re all good kissers with people we’re compatible with. Anyway, the show does Connor a solid and lets him say goodbye to the other men (normally a man in black just comes and silently wheels away a suitcase). They’re all so bummed. I counted four men who cried about this, and they all get 2 points: congrats to Tre, Greg, Hunter, and Michael A. Sweet baby Michael also gets 2 additional points for giving Connor the most tender kiss on the cheek. I love it. Connor deserves 3 points for being the most loved contestant in history. 

Emily: There’s not a dry eye in that hotel… except for Blake. But more on that later. Tre says, “I’m shook right now. I know that guy’s heart, and he’s such a good guy.” Aaron tells Connor, “I admire you and I want to be like you.” This to me was the most impressive bit of all. Because I feel like Aaron’s sole purpose on the show this season has been being mad at everyone. So if even Aaron likes you, you must be good people. 

Susan: This was the more monumental breakup of the episode. Connor and every other man in the house (except Blake).

Emily: Totally. While everyone is mourning the heartbreaking loss of Connor (don’t worry, we’ll see you in Paradise!), Blake is sneaking off to Say Anything Katie. Yet another reason I hate this man. He stands under her hotel window and plays the worst fucking country music and I want to die.

Susan: That country song that sounds like every other country song was actually the country song that the private concert guy sang to them on the 1-on-1. I guess this is “their song” now. I do not endorse it. But we’ve gotta give my dude Blake 5 points for this Cusack move. He tells her he wanted to cheer her up, and he’s very self-congratulatory in that Blake way about it. They make out a lot (2 points), and he pins her to the wall and the balcony (danger!) for 1 additional point.

Emily: Let’s move on to the rose ceremony because I hate this. Katie has decided no cocktail party tonight. She knows what she wants to do, and we’re going right into the rose ceremony. Obviously, the guys are disappointed. The only person with a rose already is Justin, so a lot is up in the air! But Hunter says he’s still confident.

Susan: Listen, can we talk about Justin looking fine. as. hell. in that oxblood suit? Lawd. The men who didn’t get time are very stressed. Tre realizes that spending 90% of his time talking about Thomas and Hunter was potentially not conducive to building a connection with Katie. 

She calls Hunter’s name first, but really it’s just to go talk to him outside. He tries to convince her of his genuineness, and she’s just like, “IDK, I need clarity,” but we see her make no attempts to find said clarity. She does not give him the rose, and they walk back inside. What was the point of this? Why did we spend time watching this nothingness?

Emily: Right. And it doesn’t make sense because just a minute ago she said she knew what she needed to do, which is why she didn’t need a cocktail party. The cocktail party is to get this clarity, Katie! Do you know how this show works?

When they come back, she tells the guys, “I’m at a point where I’m really wanting to look forward. I don’t have time for anyone to play catch up. I don’t have time for the drama. I’m just ready to find my person.” 

Roses go to… Blake, Andrew, Greg, Michael, Mike P, and BRENDAN??? So Aaron, Hunter, James, and Tre are out. I really did think some of those guys would last longer than Brendan, but to be fair, all four of them have been involved in drama at some point, so if she wants to get rid of the drama, she dumped the right people.

Susan: I’m sure even Mike P. and Brendan are like, how are we still here? Also, a reminder: neither of us chose Mike the dessert-hater for our teams, and this dude made it more than halfway through the season. The more hits my team takes, the more I wish Team What’s in the Box could absorb Mike. Sigh. 

Emily: Tre cries. He says, “I grew a little bit. Got hurt. And it’s been a beautiful journey” Hunter says, “It’s going to take a while for me to get closure for why things unraveled the way they did.”

Susan: To be fair, I don’t know how they unraveled that way either. Let’s see how the points went this week. Spoiler: Emily’s team is winning. 

Team Crazy Cat Lady

Connor - 32, eliminated
Greg - 34
Aaron  - eliminated
Andrew S. - 2
Justin - 38
Brendan 
Hunter - 5, eliminated

This Week: 111
Last Week: 197
Total: 308

Team What’s in the Box

Blake -  10
Michael - 8
Tre - 2, eliminated
James - eliminated

This Week: 20/
Last Week: 137
Total: 157

Things are looking bad for Susan’s team. Can Blake and Michael hold down the fort for everyone? Meet us here next week to find out!