It’s getting real, people. Hometowns are next week, which means all these dudes’ families are quarantining nearby. Will Greg’s second one-on-one seal his fate as the frontrunner? Will Mike P. cuddle his way into Katie’s heart before it’s too late? Will Blake insult an artist’s self portrait of her vagina right to her face? Read on to find out! 

Emily: Before we get the dates started, Tayshia checks in on Katie and asks if she’s feeling okay. Katie talks about a dilemma any Bachelorette will understand. She’s down to the final seven men, so should she have more dates with the guys she actually likes, or should she pretend she likes these other dudes just so that everyone gets a 1-on-1?

Susan: We’re down to just seven men, but really we’re down to five men because let’s be honest: absolutely no one thinks Mike P. or Brendan have a chance. Blake pretty much tells them they both need one-on-ones to have any hope. But then the date card arrives…

Emily: And the date card goes to… Greg (20 points). Blake is jealous as hell. Mike P. and Brendan look at each other and realize at least one of them is not going to get a 1-on-1 this week. Blake says he has a hard time believing Katie has the same connection with anyone else. But he also wonders, “How can I make up what Greg’s going to have today?”

What’s Greg going to have today? Well, let’s get this date started and see about it. 

Susan: Katie runs and jumps into Greg’s arms, so he gets 5 points. They are wearing matching outfits, and in case you didn’t hear them point it out the first time, don’t worry, they’ll say it four more times. Katie wants to show Greg a slice of her hometown of Seattle, so the Bachelor interns have set up a very low-rent version of Pike’s Place Market called...Katie’s Place Market. 

Emily: This is a sad recreation of the fun dates we get on a normal Bachelor/ette season where the couple walks around town, shopping, interacting with locals, and generally just having a normal day. If this was a normal walk around town date, we’d also get the obligatory old couple telling our Bachelor/ette couple about how many years they’ve been together. 

But we don’t get any of that. Instead, we get Greg and Katie tossing around fake fish and eating oysters that have surely been sitting out too long. They also make floral arrangements, and hot take: Greg’s floral arrangement is WAY better. He might actually have a knack for this. Then they play football, I guess. They seem to be trying really hard to laugh and have fun with each other, but it kind of felt fake to me. 

Susan: Of course they also pay homage to the grossest thing in Seattle—that disgusting gum wall, the real name of which I refuse to Google. They Lady-and-the-Tramp some gum and I fucking hate this so much. 

Emily: Back at the hotel (so like five feet away), Brendan’s getting in his head about the 1-on-1 date remaining. Namely, he’s got to have it. He asks Andrew what changed for him on their date, and Andrew says Katie was able to understand parts of him no one else has understood before. The downside about that time after you get the 1-on-1 is real, however. Andrew explains, “It just sucks because you have that emotional high and wonder is that still there.” Foreshadowing?

Susan: When they sit down to talk (in their matching outfits!), Greg acknowledges how difficult this process has been for him since their early one-on-one. As usual, Katie gives him tons of validation, saying she couldn’t have waited another day to see him and asking him if he’s ready for her to meet his mom. They make out a whole lot for 2 points.

Emily: Back five feet away again, we cut to Michael who’s getting an opportunity to call his son James. I’m guessing this is a call he gets to have on a regular basis, but it’s still very hard for Michael to be so far away from his son for so long. Which is totally understandable. Michael is so sweet with James. He says he can’t wait to kiss him and hold him and read him a book and snuggle him. He calls James his best friend. Cue all the tears. 

Susan: At dinner, Katie tells Greg she’s afraid he will leave. Is this foreshadowing? Greg says he’s always been insecure and his sister tells him it’s the most unattractive thing about him. Lol, ouch. Since his father passed away, he’s had a hard time letting his guard down, but he says he’s really excited to show his family “the girl I’m falling in love with.” He got points for telling Katie he was falling for her last week, but this week he gets a few more because Katie says in her ITM that she is “falling in love for” him. 

Emily: Specifically, she says, “Greg is someone I’m definitely falling in love for. With. I don’t know. I forget how to say it.” That’s how you know it’s real. 

Susan: She is the second person in Bachelorland to use this phrase. Greg gets 5 points since this wasn’t said to his face this week. Obviously he gets the rose for 10 points.

Emily: They end their date with a bunch of fake rain which Greg is SO into for some reason. Like, does it not rain where he lives? Maybe it’s just a really hot day. 

Susan: Back on the groupcouch, everyone is anxiously awaiting the next date card. Mike P. and Brendan really need to not be on the group date so they have any chance in hell. The card says, “Justin, Andrew, Blake, Michael A., Brendan. There is an art to love.” Brendan asks the question on all of our minds: “Why am I still here?” If anyone has an answer for this, please DM us. 

Emily: I love that Mike, a dude who is on no one’s team, is getting a 1-on-1. I must say this has to be the first time a contestant we haven’t picked has made it this far. I totally did not see this coming at all. And Brendan didn’t either, clearly!

So Brendan goes to Katie’s hotel room to, I don’t know, force her to love him? I’m not sure how he thought this was going to work out in his favor. But here he is, putting on lip balm and getting ready to make his case. He says, “To hear my name on that group date was shocking. There’s obviously something she sees in me because look how far we’ve come.” Joke’s on him. There’s nothing she sees in him, so she sends him home. Bye, Brendan. 

Susan: There are only four men on the group date now, and Katie says she just wants to take the pressure off and have fun today. The group date rose is a guaranteed hometown date, but sure, no pressure! Anyway, Katie takes the men to a makeshift “art exhibit” set up in the middle of the resort. They’re surrounded by Georgia O’Keeffe-esque paintings, meaning everything is vulvic (is vulvic a word?). Blake describes the paintings as “flowery, with a twist.” The artist of some of the paintings shows up and asks Blake what he thinks of a particular one. He calls it “messy” and “aggressive” and she’s like well buddy, that’s my self portrait. Andrew says, “Wow, you really botched that one.” LOL.

Emily: It’s really weird how uncomfortable straight men are with vaginas. But from Blake, it also really doesn’t surprise me. Blake also proudly claims that he has zero interest in art. As if I couldn’t hate him any more.

Anyway, they’re forced to make some art anyway, whether they like it or not. There’s an empty workstation for our fallen hero, Brendan. Andrew says his painting is of eating sushi, which is something he and Katie both love doing. But it’s definitely oral sex. He says the painting is him “eating my way to her heart.”

Susan: I want to give Michael A. 2 points for making the bold choice and using clay instead of paint for his artwork. Blake holds up his painting, all of which is covered by a black box. I’d like to point out that this is the second time he’s been on an art date and made something that needed to be censored. See: making a dick out of clay during Tayshia's season. I know we don’t like this, but I’m giving him 4 points for “doubling down,” as Justin says (he got 2 points for making that dick last season). 

Emily: I hate him.

Emily: In the evening, Katie makes a toast to “clarity,” and Blake is the first one to pull her aside to talk. I’m so over Blake. I have to be real. The only notes I took for this section of the episode are as follows: “Blake talks about some shit and they make out.” 2 points to Blake anyway. Good for you, I guess. 

Susan: Justin talks to Katie next, and he presents her with a new painting. This one is of butterflies, which have taken on new meaning for him. When he met Katie, he was “in a cocoon of feelings,” but now he’s able to “break free.” What I think happened was that he had already painted some butterflies and he needed to make it make sense. 2 points for this astute analysis of his own art. Anyway, Katie says she can be herself with him, and they make out for 2 more points.

Emily: Yeah, so we know Justin can paint butterflies and flowers and that’s about where his art skills end. He’s still excelling at facial expressions though.

Michael’s next. He’s feeling very anxious about how their relationship will work now that they’re getting serious. Michael isn’t going to want to move, and he has his son to think about. Katie assures him that they’ll figure it out and that every time she gives him a rose, she’s also giving it to James. They kiss for 2 points.

Susan: Finally, Andrew talks to Katie about how “every athlete dies twice” because when they stop playing their sport, it’s like a death. He isn’t sure if he’ll continue playing football, but Katie says she will encourage his dream, even if it means living in two places every year. They kiss for 2 points. Then he takes her outside where he has recreated their one-on-one date with the lights and the hanging envelopes. He lifts her up to open one that says “I’m falling for you.” 10 points for Andrew.

Emily: I was really starting to like Andrew, but this episode had me all in my feels for him. I’m sure that’s what the editors wanted me to feel before the end of this episode, so good job, editors. I’m fully on this emotional journey.

But alas, Andrew does not get the rose. The rose goes to Michael (10 points). Which makes sense, honestly. After the conversation they had, if Katie was planning on keeping him, she needed to give him the rose now and give him that reassurance that she meant what she said. At least for now. 

Susan: It’s time for the charade we go through every season: the doomed pre-hometown one-on-one. This season’s unlucky contestant: Mike P. The worst part? He’s not on either of our teams, so even the points are a waste. Ugh, let’s get into this creepy Oedipal shit show. 

Emily: I hated this date so much, and this dude is on neither of our teams, so again, I didn’t take many notes. Katie’s like, “I never thought I would date a virgin, but he continues to amaze me with his perspective on life.” Which just strikes me as a weird thing to say, but that’s the first of many weird things said on this date. Anyway, this date is all about cuddling on a blanket in the middle of the forest, and they even have a cuddling coach. It’s super awkward, and they laugh uncomfortably through the whole thing. 

Susan: Can we also acknowledge the flowy white outfits they have to wear? Mike looks like a cult leader.

When they do the “Lap of Luxury” cuddle position, Mike lies down with his head in Katie’s lap. In his ITM, he says Katie is a nurturer and reminds him of his mom. It gets worse. Later he says Katie is a better cuddler than his mom, but his mom will be upset that he said that. If I could take points away from Mike, I would. Run from a man who talks about his mom this way. 

Back at the resort, the men are talking about Mike’s lack of sexual experience and Andrew clarifies that Mike has “done other stuff” (we don’t care). Blake thinks Mike is incompatible with Katie because Mike lives “by a book.” It’s the literal Bible.

Emily: Back at the date, Katie emerges from the trees sobbing. Mike should know this means his time is up, but he comforts her anyway. Katie says, “Don’t get me wrong. I had a really amazing time with you today, and that’s why I’m struggling so much right now, because I can’t deny that today strengthened us and bonded us more. But if I’m being honest with myself, I know I do have stronger relationships. And it’s tough because today would have had to take our relationship to the very top, and it didn’t. And so I just don’t think it would be fair to make you go to a dinner tonight and involve our families if I know… it’s hard to send you home.” It’s not hard to send him home though. Let’s be real. 

Mike says, “No matter what the result is, my respect for you is never going to change. And I know what type of wife you’re going to be. I know what type of mother you’re going to be. One of those guys is really lucky.” This is kind of sweet I guess but also really presumptuous because just earlier this season she said she wasn’t even sure she wanted to be a mom, but whatever dude.

Susan: It’s time for the rose ceremony. Greg and Michael already have roses. There are two roses and three men: Justin (looking FINE AF in that goldenrod jacket), Andrew, and Blake. She tells the men she does think her husband is in this room, which to me always says “I already know who I’m picking in the end.” She gives the remaining roses to Blake and Justin. She walks Andrew out and tells him he is an amazing man but that he deserves more than she can give him. He cries for 2 points, and he makes Katie cry for 5 more points.

Emily: Like I said, I was on the emotional journey, so I kept waiting for there to be a catch! SURELY ANDREW, MY DEAR ANDREW, WOULD STAY! 

And then I got my hopes up when the next morning after the rose ceremony, we hear a knock on Katie’s door and it’s MY SWEET, SWEET VIENNESE FOOTBALL PLAYER LOVE ANDREW. They talk for a while. It’s clear neither Katie or Andrew are ready to say goodbye. But he finally pulls himself away, and he leaves her with… a note. 

Susan: The note says, “If you change your mind... I’ll be waiting. =) Love, Andrew.” Next we get a full-on romcom scene as Katie chases Andrew down the stairwell as dramatic music swells. She runs and jumps on him for 5 points. Katie says she just had to hug him, and she asks, “If there’s a way to stay a little longer, would you want to?” 

Emily: Look, I wanted Andrew to stay SO BADLY but not like this. I thought it was really shitty of her to invite Andrew to stay for “a little longer.” This clearly signals that there’s no way in hell Andrew is winning, but he can hang out for a while more and make out with her if he wants. Like no. That’s not okay. Don’t insult my Andrew like this. 

You can tell he’s really struggling, because on the one hand, he cares for her and wants to stay. On the other hand, he doesn’t just want to stay for “a little longer.” He tells her, “It’s tough because it did happen, and I feel hurt in this place.” She says, “I know, I know. You’re right.” 

Later, Andrew tells the cameras, “I wanted to say yes. I want nothing more than to be with her… She fucking sprinted down the stairs and I said no. But I want my future wife to choose me and I wasn’t chosen, so I said no. I don’t want to go through this again. I don’t want to stand there at a rose ceremony waiting for her not to choose me.” 5 points to Andrew for doing the hard thing but sticking up for himself and saying no. 

Emily: Katie says, “If it was Andrew and I at the end of this, I would be so lucky. And there’s obviously a part of me that wishes I could have got there.” Whatever, Katie. I’m still mad at you.

Susan: Katie is sad, but she says that with every goodbye, she’s one step closer to finding her husband. Hometowns are next week, and it looks like there is still plenty of drama to come! Let’s see how the points shook out this week. 

Team Crazy Cat Lady

Greg - 42
Andrew - 29 - ELIMINATED
Justin - 4
Brendan - ELIMINATED

This Week: 75
Last Week: 308
Total: 383

Team What’s In the Box

Blake - 6
Michael - 14

This Week: 20
Last Week: 157
Total: 177