It’s that time of the season! It’s the MEN TELL ALL! That episode where the men tell some things, yell at each other, and remind us of who they are before we see them again on the beaches in Bachelor in Paradise. Are you ready for this?

Well, you gotta wait. Because first we have to deal with some Michael drama.

Susan: We begin this weird spliced-together episode in New Mexico, where Katie is walking with Tayshia. She tells Tayshia she feels really confident about her final four men, but she hasn’t told anyone she loves them yet because she wants to save that for her fiance. Tayshia is basically like, “You should totally just tell them because then they’ll love you more.” Katie is most nervous about meeting Michael’s parents, but says the thought of becoming an instant mom to James is “exciting” to her. Honestly, I could not think of anything more terrifying than instant parenthood.

Emily: Tayshia really lays on the pressure thick here. She tells Katie that hometowns are huge and they can change everything. Tayshia said Zac wasn’t her frontrunner until she met his family. And you know, you have to wonder how Zac feels hearing that.

Meanwhile, Michael’s back in his room thinking through what hometowns are going to mean for him. Michael says introducing a woman to his family is just a little different because he has a son. But he asked Katie some questions and the way she answered them gave him some affirmation. I’m a little unsure of how because Katie was just like, “IDK we’ll figure it out.” But I guess at the time, that felt like an affirmation.

Everything’s about to change though.

Michael FaceTimes his son James and tells him he’s still on a work trip. WHICH IS A LIE. Way to lie to your child, Michael. James is like, “Nah, I just think you don’t want to see me, dude.” Or something like that. I was having trouble paying attention because I just couldn’t get over how manipulative this little child was being. 

Susan: Michael’s face falls when James says this. He cries as soon as they hang up (2 points). A producer comforts him, and then he heads off to talk to Katie. He feels conflicted, guilty, and selfish that his being gone has affected James this way. It sounds like a lot of his guilt has to do with the fact that James has already been through the trauma of losing his mother, so Michael wants him to know he’s there for him. I am not a parent, but I did find this whole thing heartbreaking. I get sad when my dog seems bored or lonely, so I’d probably be even more emotional as a parent to a human. 

Emily: I know a lot of people found this whole call really heartbreaking, but I had trouble getting emotional about it like I have for previous dramatic exits. First of all, this “Daddy don’t want to see me no more” thing has been teased all season, so it’s lost its bite. For me, anyway. Also, again, I just couldn’t get over how manipulative this felt. I know we’re supposed to believe this child is really sad or whatever. But he’s jumping around and playing and seems totally fine. I have worked with enough kids to know when a kid is really upset and when a kid is just being annoying for attention. James is being annoying, and I’m almost convinced a producer put him up to this. It just didn’t feel sincere at all. 

Anyway, Michel buys it, so he’s off to speak to Katie. 

Susan: Michael tells Katie he was skeptical at first, but he’s felt good because of Katie. He tells her about the conversation with James and how he can’t focus on anything else. “With hometowns coming up, I feel like it’s wrong for me to give you half of what I could be, and it kills me because I see so much with us.” She cries, earning Michael 5 points. 

Ahem, speaking of manipulation, Katie says, “I saw us going to the end, which makes this really confusing for me right now.” Rly tho? Did u? This felt like she was trying to get him to reconsider staying without really asking him to, or to put it all on the line for her with the idea that she was going to pick him, or to just make him feel bad. IDK, as a viewer it just seems obvious that she was never going to choose him, so why say this? Remember Desiree’s devastation over Brooks leaving? That’s what it looks like when you were actually going to pick someone and they leave. Anyway...what happens next, Emily?

Emily: Michael tells Katie, “I’m not leaving because of us. I’m leaving because my son needs his dad.” WHICH IS SUCH A GOOD LINE, okay? 

Anyway, then Michael says, “I’ll walk you out.” Which is so confusing to me because I’m like, wait, this is Katie’s hotel room. But they both walk out together and make out (2 points) in the hallway. 10 points to Michael for self-eliminating. 

Katie cries some more and says she just wants to find her person and it’s very possible her person just left. The drama.

Susan: HARD CUT to the Men Tell All. As always, I’m happy to see Tayshia and Kaitlyn, and I’ll just say up front that their whole vibe was much more enjoyable than the stale energy Chris Harrison was bringing to the table. I still hate the Men Tell All as a concept though. This episode is always a snooze. 

Emily: Tayshia starts the Men Tell All off by announcing that she loves man tears. I have news for you. Man tears are just regular tears.

Anyway, all the guys are here and we get a quick runthrough of all the past drama. Reminder that Aaron is here just to be angry with everyone. That is his only job.

Susan: The dialogue here got really Trumpy really fast. Karl says the group gangs up on men and that’s a “witch hunt.” Brendan says Karl is “fake news” no fewer than three times. What year is it? Erase this Trump-era vocab from your lexicon now. 

Next we move on to Thomas, who isn’t there, so this is completely uninteresting. James says that no one thinks Thomas is a bad guy, and Aaron pipes up to say, “Nah, I think he’s a bad guy.” Then we turn to Hunter, who owns up to the “Top 4” list but stands by that he didn’t lie when he said he was falling in love with Katie. James, Aaron, and Tre keep saying he’s lying, but again, I’m with Hunter here. First of all, he was asked two different questions. More importantly, who gives a shit? 

Emily: Everyone turns to Hunter at this point to yell at him for lying to Katie about being in love with her. He maintains that he did feel like he was falling in love with her. Connor backs him up (THANK YOU, CONNOR) and says that Hunter was his roommate, and he was being sincere. Some other guy (I didn’t write down who because he was a non-entity) said, “Everyone is entitled to their opinion.” And Connor responds, “Well, your opinion is wrong.” 

Speaking of Connor, it’s time for him to take the hot seat (5 points). We look back at Connor’s journey with Katie, and he says it’s tough to watch back because if they started out strong, you can’t help but wonder what you could have done better. Connor said he went home and texted people he kissed in the past to ask if he’s a bad kisser.

Susan: Then a total audience plant stands up and says she thinks Connor is adorable and she knows he can’t be a bad kisser. She comes down to the stage and they make out (2 points), and she says the kiss was an 11 out of 10. Who is this totally anonymous mystery woman? Her name is Tara Kelly, and wouldyabelieveit! She’s a singer-songwriter whose Instagram bio says she does “cosmic country music” and I hate everything.

Emily: Andrew is in the hot seat next (5 points). As we look back at his journey, we cut to a random ass woman in the audience crying. She is also not over Andrew getting cut before hometowns. Tayshia asks Andrew about his conversation with Katie about interracial dating, and Andrew says he was completely happy with how that conversation went. Will Andrew be the next Bachelor though? Maybe. Or it could be the dude who self-eliminated (ugh). Tell us about it, Susan.

Susan: Next up in the hot seat is Michael (5 points), who I continue to stan. First order of business: Michael should always have a beard. He still has a lot on his mind, and he talks about the constant juggling act that single parents have to do between taking care of the child they love and also prioritizing their own happiness. I appreciated this conversation because the parents on this show often don’t make it very far, so we don’t get to hear much about what it’s like for them to date. He’s still proud of himself for taking the step and putting himself out there. “There’s tons of hope out there for me now, and it really wouldn’t have existed if I didn’t take this leap.” I know Emily does not want him to be the Bachelor, but I am actually all for it. Heck, let’s just do two seasons like we’re doing with Michelle and Katie (no not really though because that’s a lot of recaps). 

Emily: Yeah, I was all for Michael until this episode, but I just don’t think you should be able to self-eliminate because you don’t have time for this and your kid and then come back because oop suddenly you have time. Nope. 

Susan: We get a new segment next: some unaired footage from two dates that was actually really funny. I’d rather see this kind of thing the whole time than watch two bros with dumb hair yell in each other’s faces. On the Bash Ball date, the men had to trash talk each other, and they’re horrible—and adorable?—at it. Michael tells someone, “Your eyes are blue...like a urinal cake.” Connor asks, “Where’d you get that shirt, the shirt store?” More of this and less “here for the wrong reasons” screeching.

Emily: My favorite was when Brendan tells Tre, “Your voice isn’t as good as what it seems to be.” What does it mean?

Next, we get a little break from the Katie drama to have Jason pop on stage. I had this moment where I thought he was going to propose, and I got really confused because I was like, “Wait, didn’t he propose already? Aren’t they engaged?” But then we see we’re about to get a clip of his proposal to Kaitlyn on the podcast.

Susan: My favorite part of the Kaitlyn/Jason proposal is that she screams “Holy shit!” when he opens the ring box. I had actually never watched this proposal despite it being all over Instagram when it happened, so I enjoyed seeing it because I enjoy Kaitlyn. Jason seems really great too. 

Emily: I agree! I love both of them! Anyway, it’s time for Katie to come out and answer for her sins. Like, why did she break up with certain dudes and not other dudes. She’s come prepared in a neon green dress that clashes pretty aggressively with the red motif Kaitlyn and Tayshia have going on. 

Susan: While I personally do not like Katie’s dress, I’ve enjoyed seeing her break out of the typical Bachelorette fashion choices in her gowns and cocktail dresses. It’s a great break from the nudes/golds/silvers we get all the time. Katie loves a good neon, and honestly, this color somehow looks decent on her.

Emily: About eight years ago, I realized I love neon green, and I’ve never looked back. 

Susan: When Kaitlyn tells Katie that Michael would be open to being with her if she gave him another chance, Katie shuts it down pretty quickly. She “couldn’t dwell on the past” and had to move forward. She thinks everything happens for a reason and her ending happened how it was supposed to. So, like, we can assume Katie is engaged to someone at this point (we’re pretty sure we know who), and so it makes sense for her to be a little closed off to these guys, who are essentially her ex-boyfriends. But something just felt weird in her demeanor, and it continues throughout the rest of the episode.

If you’ve ever had a shit boyfriend who none of your friends liked, you probably spent some time defending his honor (waste of time) and trying to justify your relationship. Katie had that same vibe about her, and while she wasn’t saying anything directly, I maintain that she gave off Defensive Girlfriend Energy™ throughout the rest of the show. 

Emily: Yeah, I mean, if she’s with the person we think she’s with, well… I get it. No spoilers here. This is just speculation on our part, and we won’t say who. She says she’s a big believer that everything happens for a reason, and I’m going to have to just stop her right there. No. Everything does not happen for a reason, and the sooner you submit to the fact that the world is chaos, the happier you’ll be with the utter disaster that is life. Just saying.

Susan: Aaron tells her he’ll always be in her corner, and Katie says, “Thanks, Thomas.” LOL. Connor whips out his ukulele and sings a song about bromance, which is sweet, but also I don’t want to listen to any more ukulele songs. 

Emily: Then THE REAL THOMAS arrives via Zoom(?) or Skype(?) or Facetime(?). Whatever virtual method he uses, he’s there (virtually) and he has questions. Namely, he says he’s confused because things seemed to shift out of nowhere. Katie’s like, “No you’re just a lying ass ho.” Just kidding. She doesn’t say that. But she does tell him that his whole act seemed phony to her and he just had to go. Does this count as a hot seat? I guess it’s sort of half a hot seat, so we’ll give him 3 points. 

Susan: FINALLY it’s time for bloopers, which we really deserve more of. Tayshia was the best part of the bloopers when she screamed, fell down, and yelled “Who the fuck did that?!” after a producer scared her. More Tayshia, less Thomas. 

Emily: I love watching Tayshia curse because it’s like watching a Disney princess curse. Anyway, Katie reiterates for the 5,000th time that she has no regrets. Like, ok, we get it. Good for you, I guess. 

Susan: Again, this felt defensive to me. She really didn’t seem like herself, or at least like the way we’re used to seeing her. Gives me bad feelings about the ending…

Team Crazy Cat Lady

Greg - 

Andrew - 5

Connor - 7

Justin - 

This Week: 12

Last Week: 383

Total: 395

Team What’s In the Box

Blake - 

Michael - 34

Thomas - 3

This Week: 37

Last Week: 177

Total: 214

Well, there you have it. Team What’s in the Box? is catching up. But with only three contestants left, will Blake be able to do enough to push Susan into the lead? Only time will tell!