That's right. Time to get the bottles poppin' because here is your weekly Are You the One? recap that I know you've been desperately waiting for. A lot of drama went down this week. Tea was spilled, COFFEE was splashed all over the counter, couples were formed, other couples were tested, people got into drunk fights and called each other by the wrong names, horses were ridden across the foggy moors. All in one hour of television. Let's go. 

So as any astute television watcher will know, a lot of themes for the upcoming episode can be gleaned based on what we see happening in the "previously on" segment in the beginning. So let's review what we got at the top of this episode: Once again, we saw Kenya drag Lewis into the Boom Boom Room to give him a BJ. We also got Cali talking about how she can't deal with jealous dudes, and that Brett is definitely probably her match. So all of this is going to be important this episode. Got it? Good. 

Now let's get into this episode for real. Everyone in the house is celebrating because they got three beams, which I guess is good? IDK. Bria is going wild and pouring chocolate all over herself to make Zak jealous. Zak is like, "Two can play at that game." So he tries to make out with Samantha in front of Bria. SAMANTHA SHUTS. IT. DOWN.

Lewis is very impressed by Samantha. So is everyone.

Meanwhile, Maria and Shamoy are sharing the most boring bathroom time together ever. Shamoy's like, "I'm going to shower." Maria's like, "Cool me too... are we showering with our swimsuits on? Is that a thing?" There's a lot of mumbling and weird standing around. No one rips anyone else's clothes off. Maria finally says, "I don't know what I'm supposed to do at this point." PULL HIS PANTS DOWN, GIRL. 

Maria does not pull Shamoy's pants down. Maria walks away (pictured above). Shamoy says, "You do you, I'mma do me." WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? Was that some sort of allusion to masturbation? What is happening? After binge watching four salacious seasons of Love Island on Hulu, I am very disappointed. 

But let's get into the Asia/Lewis/Kenya drama. It all starts with a harmless breakfast. This is the first time we as an audience have really seen Asia's romantic interest in Lewis. She makes him breakfast and wakes him up like, "Hey, I made breakfast. Do you want to eat it now or eat it later?" We all know that really means, "You better get up and eat this breakfast right now, because I woke up early and slaved in the kitchen for this." But whatever.

Lewis is appreciative. He tells Asia, "YOU DA REAL MVP. I haven’t woke up to breakfast since Ja Rule had a hit.” Meanwhile ASIA IS SPILLING COFFEE ALL OVER THE COUNTER. I want to judge her, but this is also how I pour coffee. 

After serving her man his breakfast, Asia has a little chat with Tevin, and Tevin spills the tea about Kenya "topping Lewis off," which I guess is what the kids are calling it these days. Asia's like, "WOOOOW." 

I'm sure Asia would like to talk to Lewis about this and get it all sorted out, but there's no time for that, because it's time for...

The Fate Button

Nutsa is up first and she randomly picks Lewis and Shamoy for the date this week. Kwasi comes up to pick the girls, and I'm reminded of how much we're all missing out by not having more Kwasi on our television screens. Why is this? Can we fix this? Anyway, everyone in the house is hoping Kwasi will pick Maria to go on the date because they think Shamoy and Maria have to be a perfect match. Who else would put up with those kinds of shenanigans in the shower, after all? 

Kwasi picks Maria and Lauren. I forgot Lauren existed again. Something about blondes named Lauren...

The Date

Shamoy and Maria are coupled up AF, so this is more of a double date than the past two have been. By default, Lewis and Lauren become a couple for this date. The four of them go off to what looks like the foggy moors of some Victorian novel to ride horses. Here's Lewis's description of the date: “I feel like I’m dreaming right now. We’re in the middle of nowhere in the woods. Hella foggy. With just a bunch of random people on some horses. Like. Ain’t that crazy?”

Yes. Yes it is.

Lewis names his horse Tatiana because he says all the girls named Tatiana in his neighborhood have horse hair.

Lauren is excited because she is a blonde white girl, which means she had a horse phase as a child. She looooves horses. Cut to...

Let me be clear. I didn't think this was funny. I was sincerely worried for Lauren in this moment. Falling off of a horse is serious. As a white girl myself, I watched a lot of horse movies as a kid, and I know that falling off a horse can have major consequences. What about that one girl in Wild Hearts Can't Be Broken who went blind? 

Lewis is concerned for his girl Lauren. He jumps off of his horse and shouts, "AW NAH. LET ME GET MY BOO!" True chivalry here. Lewis tells Lauren that the fall was kind of sexy, but he told the camera moments earlier that the fall was funny. Can it be both? Let me know in the comments below. 

Lauren is having none of this. She gets right back up on that horse like it was nothing because she is a bad ass. And like that, Lauren becomes the best Lauren ever seen on a reality dating show. 

Oh yeah, remember Maria and Shamoy are also on this date. After the horseback riding adventure this couple has a nice sit down together. Shamoy has a breakthrough moment and asks Maria, “WAIT YOU WANT ME TO BE MORE AGGRESSIVE?” Flash back to that shower debacle. Um, YES BRO. 

In other news, I've decide Maria is really hot. 

Back at the house, Daniel decides to take Samantha on an impromptu fishing date. Daniel makes fishing hooks out of stuff he finds lying around and uses jerky as bate. Without the challenges, these poor kids are getting supremely bored.

In a moment that I think is supposed to be romantic, Daniel tells Samantha she should smile more, which would make me walk away immediately, which is why DANIEL IS NOT MY MATCH. 

The Truth Booth

In a shocking twist that surprises absolutely no one, Shamoy and Maria are voted into the Truth Booth this week. The house as a whole is getting super dramatic about it. I don't remember who (sorry, y'all... I'm trying), but someone proclaims that if these two aren't a match then EVERYONE IS PLAYING THIS ENTIRE GAME WRONG... I'm going to need to see some math to back that up. 

Maria says it’s a 50/50 chance that she and Shamoy are a match. Again, no… that’s not correct math. 

Anyhow, these guys enter the Truth Booth, and?

It's a PERFECT MATCH! And thank goodness, because I was really worried that with how dramatic these people were getting, someone was going to burn the house down if they weren't a match.

For real though. I was grinning when they were revealed to be a match. I'm genuinely please for them. Love is real!

We've Got Time for More Drunken Fights Though

In the midsts of celebrating this big win for the house (this group is the first group to get a Perfect Match this early), people are getting drunk AF and stuff is going down. 

Asia, Lewis, and Kenya get into it about Boom-Boom-Room-BJ-Gate (it needs a snappier title... lemme know in the comments). Everyone’s shocked that Asia’s so upset because who even knew she liked Lewis as more than just friends? I had no clue. Neither did Kenya. Neither did Lewis, so Asia is doing something wrong. Anyhow, there's a lot of yelling. Lewis seems confused. 

Y'all remember that recap of Cali and Brett, my drama-free couple that I thought were so cute? Yeah. Brett was waiting for Cali in the Jacuzzi... but Cali was not in the jacuzzi. Cali was in the living room talking to Zak. As those of us who have watched Bachelor: Winter Games know, Jacuzzi appointments are SERIOUS BUSINESS. As Christian explained to Clare, "In Germany when we say we go in the jacuzzi, it's a date."

What do you guys think? Do Germany rules apply in Hawaii? Brett seems to think so. 

All of these people are so drunk. Brett cannot articulate words. However, I don't like how he's gaslighting Cali when she's trying to stand up for herself by saying, "You're so drunk right now." Dude, YOU'RE so drunk right now. 

In other news, I just want to pop in and say Cali is in a band called Little Noises, and they only have 250 followers on Facebook. THEY ARE BABIES. 

Back to the show. Cali accidentally calls Brett "Zak" several times. And then when she's trying to correct herself, she calls him Zak again. To be fair, they're both annoying white dudes who don't know how to style their hair, so I. GET. IT.

Still, it was a very Ross Gellar moment, and it doesn't help her case with Brett when he's already feeling some sort of jealous way. 

The Match Up Ceremony

DEEP BREATH. We're almost to the end. Let me rapid fire some of these couples that don't matter. Obviously Shamoy and Maria are a match going into this ceremony, so they're off the board. Lewis picks Asia, so I guess they worked out their differences. Or he just wants breakfast again.

Cam picks Kayla, and Tevin picks Kenya. These two couples are repeats from week 1 and 2, which makes me think one of them is a match (Cam and Kayla) and one of them isn't (Tevin and Kenya). 

Daniel picks Samantha. Brett picks Cali, and clearly they have NOT worked out their drama from the night before because Cali doesn't even want to stand up and be matched with him. She tells Terrence that they're over and that there's no way they're a match.  Brett's like, "Cool. I still pick Cali." Everyone in the house is like, "DID SHE STUTTER?"

Andrew picks Lauren. Tomas picks Bria. Kwasi picks Jasmine. Moe picks nutsa. 

Again, I forgot Moe was even here. Obviously Nutsa did too, because she tells Terrence, "I feel like he doesn’t talk to anyone in the house. All he does is clean and cook.” Nutsa continues to tell it like it is. But honestly, compared to the other lame-o dudes in this house, she could do a lot worse. 

Lastly, Zak picks Morgan.

And they get... THREE BEAMS. Again. So Terrence is sending them to LOVE REHAB next week. I have no idea what that means, but I'm excited to find out. Until next week!