Susan: It’s finally over, y’all. But it did take three hours to wrap it up because this is #BachelorNation’s world and we’re all just living in it.

Emily: I hate everything. Why are we here? Why are we doing this? FML. 

Susan: Time for fantasy suites! There are four couples remaining: Dylan and Hannah, Demi and Kristian, Chris and Katie, and Clay and Nicole. 

Emily: I really wish they had just found a way to wrap this up last week so that we could just have the reunion special this week. All of this just seems overwrought and overly dramatic for no good reason. I’m unsure of why the pressure to get engaged to someone you’ve known for only three weeks seems so real to these people. All I can think is that their producers must be really good at their jobs, and that the BiP bubble is a very real thing that they’re all experiencing. 

Susan: I, like many Bachelor Nation fans, thought this week’s episodes were the last ones. But in a very dramatic turn, I was wrong. So let’s get into this pentultimate recap so we all go into the finale ready to watch some 24-year-old influencers get engaged to their starter husbands. 

Emily: One might argue this was the biggest plot twist of Bachelor in Paradise history. I really thought we were done with this show. And I think a lot of people are feeling this way. It’s September, y’all. The pumpkin spice is a-pumping. BiP fatigue has set in. But Susan and I finish what we started, even at the cost of our sanity. So yes. Let’s go. 

Love is in the air, and we will be getting to Krystal and Chris’s wedding in a bit. But first!

Emily: Hi Bach Nation. I just want to start by apologizing for this recap being so late. Frankly, Susan and I are getting BiP fatigue and recapping this show is actually driving us insane. We regret everything. And yet here we are, finishing out this godforsaken show because we have made a promise to you, the people, to bring you this BiP content. So let’s do this so I can go to bed.

Susan: We’re just starting this recap and I’m already tired. Strap in because you’re in for a lot of JPJ in a lot of different moods. Derek is sad about Demi, but he’s moving on by letting people bury him in the sand. Paradise is weird. Meanwhile, Tayshia tells Kristina she’s interested in Derek because he’s established and has his stuff together (read: not 24 years old).

Lots to cover on this week of Bachelor in Paradise, so let’s hop right to it.

Susan: Leave it BiP to bring us back right in the middle of a fight we all forgot was happening. It’s Jordan vs. Christian and his piñata, and it’s not going well. 

Emily: It’s clear Jordan’s feeling a little “YOLO” as he doesn’t have any romantic attachments at this point, and Jordan is trying to recreate the iconic throwing the stuffed animal into the ocean moment from last year. But shit gets real real fast, and Jordan body slams Christian off of a platform and into the sand? Yikes. 

Susan: Jordan saunters off after, and it takes like six security people to restrain Christian who has actual murder in his eyes. Nicole says this is the last thing she wanted to happen, but like five minutes ago she was talking about how she wants someone to be aggressive. Aggression is less cool in practice, and I think she sees that now.

Emily: Wills, the voice of reason on this show, is like, “Jordan, you’re an idiot bro.” Mike says, “If someone does that, you just need to be G about it.” Jordan is not at all a G. Meanwhile this piñata is just sitting on the ground NOT busted up and I’m like okay but what is in this piñata, my dudes? The world may never know.

It’s week 2, Bachelor Nation. You should know Mike is going to be here this week, and I just don’t know what to do with myself already. On the one hand, I want people to love Mike and for him to get a lot of screen time. On the other hand, not too much screen time because we all know we here at #BookSquadGoals are Team #MikeForBachelor.

Susan: Welcome to Mexico, everyone! This is our first time recapping BiP, and we are thrilled to be here with all these hot people (including each other).

Emily: Yes, we are very hot. But I am also terrified by what we’re about to get ourselves into because Paradise is a lot. This could be our first and last time recapping Paradise. We have no plan for this. We’re just going to start talking and see how it goes. So… Susan, why don’t you start us off?