Hello and welcome to our third recap of The Bachelor Season 28, AKA the one where Kelli recaps on her own because Emily is in Nashville for work and Kelli couldn’t find a replacement because she started too late and everyone was watching the super bowl! Will Kelli cheat and reward her team more points this week in a desperate attempt to catch up with Team Daisy is My Yoshi? More importantly, will she stop referring to herself in the third person? Read on to find out. 

Okay, don’t worry, I’m stopping. It’s just us now. Me and you, reader.

This week’s cold open is Joey’s sit-down with the women where he brings up the topic of bullying. He says, “To even hear the word ‘bully’ scares me.” That’s fair. Bullies are scary, and they exist among us. There may even be one in the Bachelor mansion!!!

The episode officially begins with Maria, who thinks she’s going to have a fresh start to the day. This seems unlikely. Jesse arrives and lets the women know that this week, there will be two group dates and a one-on-one date. Going on the first group date: Edwina, Kelsey A, Lexi, Allison, Madina, Chrissa, Leah, Sydney, and Maria. The date card says “I’m looking for my Mrs. Right.” We know? 

Joey is waiting for Group One at a theater. The women greet him, and Maria does a run-and-jump, a bold move for a group date. I guess it’s more of a step-and-jump, but I’m going to give her 3 points because she does get fully scooped up into Joey’s arms. Joey tells the group that he has some new women coming to help out with this date, and the show briefly tries to make it seem like that means we’re getting new cast members and new competition, but three seconds later the ASKN ladies appear and everyone relaxes. Who are the ASKN ladies? Why, it’s April, Susan, Kathy, and Nancy from the Golden Bachelor, and if you’re askin’, they’re tellin’. I wonder if there were any runner-up names for the group based on different letter orders. SKAN. KANS. SANK. Just some suggestions.

We learn that the date is going to be a pageant competition. There will be three segments: Lazy Sunday Fit Wear, the Q&A, and the talent show. One of these things is not like the others. In an ITM, we learn that Sydney was in the Miss Teen USA Pageant when she was 16, so she’s feeling extremely confident. This is foreshadowing.

As it turns out, Lazy Sunday Fit Wear (LSFW) is an opportunity for the women to model for Joey in tiny pajamas that say things like “I am Joey’s Future Wife” on them in sloppy sharpie. Maria throws Joey one of her socks and he smells it, which is the only notable thing that happens during this portion of the pageant. 

Next is the Q&A, a bit more traditional in the pageant sphere, though the ASKN ladies have prepped questions that would probably not be approved for Miss Teen USA. They ask Maria what she’ll do if, after 30 years of marriage, Joey is experiencing erectile dysfunction. Joey doesn’t believe this will ever happen to him, which checks out, because cis men love to say “this never happens to me” even as they are experiencing erectile dysfunction in real time. But also, that’s often a part of getting older, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of! Maria says that they can add other stuff in if they need to. By other stuff, I’m going to assume she means performance-enhancing drugs.

ASKN asks Sydney if she’s ever had to fake an orgasm, and Sydney says yes. Congrats to her for being honest, I guess. The ladies then ask Kelsey A what she’d do if she was trapped in an elevator with Joey, and she says they would make new memories. When they ask Lexi what Joey’s most attractive feature is, she gives the only correct answer on this corny-ass show: his HEART! 

Moving onto the talent portion, we see the women perform a surprisingly wide variety of skills: Edwina sings a song, Madina does yoga, Allison does tricks with a basketball, Maria does gymnastics, Chrissa plays the trumpet (badly). Sydney has been hyping us up for her talent, which she’s certain is going to make her stand out. As it turns out, she was a cheerleader, and on stage she does a truly embarrassing routine where she shouts out a very basic cheer and rattles her pom poms a little bit. Maybe you’ve seen Netflix’s Cheer — remove that show from your brain. It doesn’t exist here. It’s possible that the editors cut out anything impressive Sydney might’ve done, like, IDK, a cartwheel, but neither the ASKN ladies nor the other contestants are impressed by her routine. In an ITM, Edwina says ‘that was hilarious,’ and that Sydney was right when she said she was going to ‘blow their minds away.’ 3 points to Edwina for her honesty.

Finally, Lexi is up, and she says that her talent is that she’s the world’s best kisser. Obviously, she needs Joey to demonstrate (2 points), and they make out for a while on stage. It’s a very smart tactic, and ultimately it wins her the crown for 5 points. The other women are outraged by this. Kissing is NOT a talent! This whole thing is rigged! 

At the night portion of the date, while Joey is off bestowing Lexi with compliments and testing her to make sure she’s still the world’s best kisser, the other women from the date sit around together and talk about how kissing isn’t a talent, and that they’re all frustrated because they went out of their comfort zones (apparently kissing a man on stage in front of all his other girlfriends is Lexi’s comfort zone). Sydney says that she was bummed but that Lexi is her girl and she doesn’t think they should talk shit about her. Edwina is like, “You say Lexi is your girl, but like, I’ve talked to Lexi. I’ll say it to her face.” 2 points to Edwina for the combativeness, though we don’t ever see her actually saying this to Lexi’s face. Maybe they were talking shit.

Joey talks with Kelsey A and tells her that he’s really excited about her and that he liked seeing more of her personality today. They kiss for 2 points. When he talks to Maria, she tells him what all the women have been thinking — kissing is NOT a talent and if she’d known it was a kissing contest then she would’ve just done kissing as her talent — and Joey is like, the pageant was not only about having a special talent. It seems like all of the women have forgotten that the pageant actually had three sections. Anyway, Joey diverts by complimenting Maria on her talent, and she tells him she was actually super out of her comfort zone and embarrassed. I don’t know Maria personally, but this seems unlikely. I think the women have all figured out that Joey wanted to see them out of their comfort zones, because that’s what they’re all saying to him.

Joey seems to feel the same way, because he tells Maria he’s surprised that she was uncomfortable. He calls himself “low key” and she tells him that she’s “totally an introvert.” Sure, Maria.

Finally, Joey sits down with Madina and asks her if there’s anything she wants to talk about after what happened at the rose ceremony last week. She tells him she doesn’t really think it’s a big deal, but he pressures her (which I can only assume is because producers are pressuring him), and eventually she says it had to do with her age and that she felt like she was being “bullied.” 

WEEWOO, WEEWOO, THE BULLY ALARM HAS BEEN PULLED. 3 points to Madina for bringing the word ‘bully’ onto the playing field.

Joey returns to the larger group and awards Kelsey A with the group date rose (10 points). We have no idea what Kelsey’s talent was, but nobody seems to be complaining about the validity of her win. Joey then tells the group that something was brought to his attention tonight: someone is feeling bullied. Am I having deja vu, or is this just the scene from the cold open? Joey gives them a stern talking to about the dangers of bullying and then leaves them all to think about what they’ve done.

They all kind of sit there in silence and then Maria is like “what was that about?” Madina says it was probably about the conversation she had with Joey. She admits that she told him more details about what happened with Maria, but that she never said Maria’s name. Maria is like, can you please explain to me how what I said was bullying? Sydney helpfully jumps in to say that she, too, felt bullied. The audacity of this bitch. Maria tells Sydney to stay out of it, then tells Madina that she’s sorry Madina felt that way, and sorry that something Maria said was taken to Madina to hurt her. This is one of those kinda bullshit apologies, but I understand where Maria is coming from in that she feels like Sydney’s behavior is what actually ended up hurting Madina. Maria says she wants to put this behind them, and then refers to Sydney as “Little Missy Troublemaker,” which would not have been my chosen de-escalation strategy. 

Sydney takes this and runs with it, saying that she “doesn’t want to be a catty person,” and when Maria asks what she means by ‘catty,’ Sydney says some stuff about how she’s happy with her character and with how she handles situations. She says she can’t be here with this negativity anymore and is heading out if anyone wants to join her. Nobody joins her, but I’ll give her 2 points for making this situation even worse somehow. 

Later at the mansion, Maria approaches Madina to talk about things. She says, “I don’t know where Sydney even came from in this situation, because you and I are good.” Madina says she would like it if all three of them could be good. Madina, did you tell Sydney that? Because I’m not sure if she got the memo.

Finally, it’s time for the one-on-one date! The date card goes to Jenn (20 points) and says “love is a wild ride.” She says she wasn’t expecting it, which is kind of a refreshing thing to hear from someone, since I feel like so often the women are adamant in their ITMs that they deserve the one-on-one more than the other girls because of x, y, and z. Jenn is a humble queen.

It turns out that Jenn and Joey are going to go surfing. They go to pick out wetsuits and boards, and Joey receives the crucial information that Jenn’s favorite color is yellow. She tells him she’s afraid of sharks and nervous to surf. I imagine she probably already told the producers she’s afraid of sharks, because why else would they have put her on this date? Despite her fear, Jenn does well in the water. After what seems like five minutes of time in the water (I'm sure it was hours), they sit in the sand and drink champagne. Jenn tells Joey that they have to make eye contact when they cheers or it's seven years of bad sex. He is horrified, but I'm not worried about him because, again, if there's one thing Joey is good at, it's eye contact.

This date brings us our first butt grab (3 points) and horizontal makeout (3 points) of the season. Go Jenn! You and Maria are carrying Team Throw It In The Fire on your tiny backs! Joey says “Kissing Jenn feels amazing. Our lips fit perfectly together.” Lips tend to do that.

At dinner, it's time for Jenn's sob story (5 points). She tells Joey that she grew up in a household where her parents fought a lot, and rather violently by the sound of it, which was very traumatic for her. She had no model for what a healthy and loving relationship looks like. Eventually, her parents separated, and after her dad moved out their relationship deteriorated to the point where they no longer speak to each other, and he's not a part of her life. Joey is sweet and says that sounds difficult. He doesn't ask her if thinks she could repair her relationship with her dad, thank God. He takes her out to watch fireworks, which form the picture of a rose and spell out her name. Jenn jokes that it's a little early for a proposal, but obviously she gets the rose for 10 points. The edit seems very romantic and gives me hope that Jenn will be around for a while.

The second group date is Katelyn, Autumn, Rachel, Daisy, Evalin, Kelsey T, Starr, and Jess, and the date card reads “I’m done playing singles.” This is the most creative date card we've had this season so far. It actually means something!

The group meets Joey on the tennis court, and they're joined by two tennis legends, James Blake and Pam Shriver. I've never heard of either of these people, but I also don't know how the game of tennis is scored. They train the women for about five seconds before Jesse shows up. Oh no, it's going to be a competition. Who could have possibly predicted this? 

It’s the first ever Bachelor Open! And possibly the last ever, unless we get another tennis pro as a lead. What makes the Bachelor Open different from regular tennis? Costumes, of course. The women have split up into teams of two based on the costumes they found in the changing rooms. Autumn and Daisy are The Babies (they are both dressed as babies). Starr and Rachel are Hot Dog and Bun. Katelyn and Jess are The Beehive (I think one of them was a bee and one was a hive?). Evalin and Kelsey T are Lobster and Butter. I have to say that this was probably the most enjoyable group-date-as-sporting-event in the history of this show. Everyone had a good time, nobody got competitive in a mean way, and the women got to show off how funny and charming they all are. Normally this would make me mad, because I would be like, why are all of these women competing for this mediocre man? But I actually like Joey, so it’s fine.

Joey says that the highlight of the day for him was Kelsey T in her butter hat. She kept doing this little dance where the pad of butter on top of her head wobbled. 3 points to her for butter dance. Lobster and Butter ultimately win the game, which means another 5 points to Kelsey T and 5 points to Evalin! They celebrate with champagne. In an ITM, Autumn says “Babies can’t drink champagne anyway,” and Daisy says, “Yeah, we didn’t want it.”

Another great thing about this date: everybody gets to go to the night portion and there isn’t some weird competition exclusivity thing. Joey spends some time with Katelyn, who tells him that there is a curse on the women in her family: they’re all SINGLE! Her mom and her five aunts are relying on Katelyn to break the curse, but Joey has the best possible response to this, which is to say that it doesn’t sound like a curse at all — it sounds like she was surrounded by strong, independent women. That’s right, Joey! He says he has a crush on her, and they kiss for 2 points.

Rachel is next up, and she immediately snags her earring on Joey’s sweater and they have to bring in a producer to help. I have been in this situation and I understand the special terror of thinking you’re about to have your ear ripped off if someone makes a sudden move. 2 points to Rachel for her bravery in this moment. She and Joey talk and she tells him that he reminds her of her dad, which she at least admits might sound weird (yes, it sounds weird). She loves her dad and how gentle he is towards her mom — enough that she cries about it (2 points) — and then they kiss (2 points). 

We also see Joey spend a little quality time with Kelsey T, and he says he’s excited about her, which excites me since I’m kind of counting on her for future points. They kiss (2 points). 

Daisy sits down with Joey and asks him if he has any questions since she gave him so much information during their one-on-one date. He wants to know if the date today was okay for her, and she tells him it was. She asks if he wants to touch the cochlear implant so that he’s more comfortable with it, and he does; it’s a very sweet and intimate moment. She says having the implant makes her different, and he tells her it makes her special, not different. They kiss (2 points). 

After a night with literally not a single ounce of drama, Joey awards the group date rose to Katelyn for 10 points. The curse! It’s lifting!!!

Back at the mansion, people are teaming up and taking sides in the battle of Maria vs. Sydney. Watching it now, it’s painfully obvious which side is correct in this situation, so it’s pretty disappointing to see my girl Lea gossiping about Maria with Sydney. Edwina and Starr are both chatting about the situation with Maria, and in an ITM Edwina says that Maria isn’t a bully and that the whole thing has been blown out of proportion. If you were worried we wouldn’t hear any more about this in this recap, don’t be — more is coming! 

But first, a word from our sponsor, KFC. 

Seriously, Jesse shows up and tells everyone that the cocktail party isn’t happening because instead we’re having a pool party with KFC! It’s more like a KFC party with a pool. Several women have been coerced into saying that KFC is special to them and even their favorite food. If I had been there, I would’ve had to tell them that my main memory of KFC was PETA’s Kentucky Fried Cruelty campaign. Emily has a special note that she cannot believe Kelsey A allowed herself to be caught on camera eating KFC when she’s from New Orleans. New Orleans is Popeye’s country. I’m not from New Orleans, but Popeye’s is objectively better than KFC in every way. 

Anyway, now that I’m done typing out ‘KFC,’ back to the drama. Sydney says she’s not going to “let a mean girl be a mean girl,” and that all she wants is peace. She decides that the right thing to do is go to Joey. I typically try to give people the benefit of the doubt when I’m watching this show, but my God, she is unbearable. She tells Joey that Maria ‘attacked’ her, which is another fun buzz word that always pairs well with ‘bully.’ She says Maria called her “dumb, embarrassing, and weird.” I don’t know when embarrassing was used, but from what we saw, Maria called the argument dumb, and said “I feel so weird about you.” We can’t know anything for sure with editing, but I feel like Sydney was just pulling negative words that Maria used about the situation and repurposing them as forms of name calling. Maybe she should’ve told Joey that Maria called her “Little Missy Trouble Maker.” At least that actually happened. I’ll give her 2 points for tattling, but I’m not happy about it.

Joey is obviously concerned about this, so he goes to speak with Maria. When he tells her what Sydney said, she immediately tears up (2 points) and tells him that she has been bullied, and this isn’t it. She tells him that she knows she only has her word, but that Sydney also doesn’t have evidence that any of this is true. Annoyingly, she tells Joey that if he likes Sydney, there’s no way he could also like Maria. That’s… not how dating works. Counterpoint, though: I don’t think Joey actually likes Sydney. Joey says he should’ve asked Sydney more questions about what went on. He tells the camera that what Maria is saying to him now feels more real than what Sydney was saying to him earlier. This is proof that Joey is an emotionally perceptive king. 

Everyone is uncomfortable and having a bad time, and they’re pissed that time they could be spending with Joey is being wasted on this manufactured drama. Rachel says that this is the worst pool party she’s ever been to in her life. Nobody is even in the pool. In an ITM, Kelsey A says “Sydney is one of my good friends, but I think she could handle situations better.” 2 points for this skillful diplomacy. Maria comes back, and she and Sydney argue some more in front of everyone. Sydney says something like, ‘this is where the manipulation comes in,’ and looks at the other women knowingly. I’m beginning to wonder if Sydney is actually delusional. In an ITM, Sidney asks what more Maria could possibly want from her. Does she want a limb?

What, and I cannot emphasize this enough, the fuck are you talking about.

I could go on about this forever but I’m getting so angry revisiting it in my notes that I’m just going to move onto the rose ceremony. Evalin cries for 2 points because she doesn’t get time with Joey at the pool party, and the writing is on the wall. He hands out the roses: Lexi, Lea, Kelsey T, Rachel, Madina, Daisy, Jess, Edwina, Autumn, Allison, Maria, and finally, Sydney (barf). Going home are Evalin, Chrissa, and Starr. I will miss them all, especially Starr, whose name is Starr. I think that’s so beautiful.

Anyway, I’m still losing and now I’m annoyed. At least there’s a funny end credits bit with Jesse on a pool float eating KFC and practicing his rose ceremony lines. I love you, Jesse.

Emily’s Team - Team Daisy is My Yoshi

• Daisy - 2

• Lexi - 7

• Rachel - 6

• Jess - 

• Kelsey A - 14

• Katelyn - 12

• Edwina - 5

• Evalin - 7

• Sydney - 4

LAST WEEK: 107
NEW TOTAL:  164

Kelli’s Team - Team Throw it in the Fire

• Lea -

• Maria - 5

• Kelsey T - 10

• Jenn - 41

• Autumn -

• Allison - 

• Madina - 3

• Chrissa -

• Starr -

LAST WEEK:  26
NEW TOTAL:  112

See you next week when Emily will be back and we will attempt to recap four hours worth of content in one post. Pray for us.