Christmas is fast approaching, so it’s time to ramp up the 12 days of Christmas movies, friends. And what better way to do that than with the BEST. CHRISTMAS. EVER!? And really, what is a Christmas movie without a handful of standout celebs from the 90s and 2000s: Brandy (no last name necessary), Heather Graham, and Jason Biggs.
Yes, this movie was built for aging millennials like yours truly. But is it any good? And most importantly, does it pass the Christmas vibe check? There’s only one way to know for sure. Let’s run it through the patented Christmas Movie Rating Scale.
Before we get to rating, here’s the summary: Charlotte (Heather Graham) can’t stand the Christmas newsletters her frenemy Jackie (Brandy) sends out every year. All Jackie does is brag about her perfect family. Not only is it annoying, but Charlotte is fairly sure Jackie is embellishing the truth. Then Charlotte and her family (including husband Rob played by Jason Biggs) “accidentally” wind up on Jackie’s doorstep a few days before Christmas. It’s the perfect opportunity to find out the dirty truth behind Jackie and her family’s shiny exterior.
Spoiler: Jason Biggs doesn’t put his dick in any pies this time
Romance: 5/10. Everything about this movie was so weird, so get ready to hear me say that a lot. We have two married couples in this movie. Jackie and her husband Valentino (Matt Cedeño) seem to have passionate (and very loud) sex every night, but we barely see them interact in a romantic way on screen, and they have zero chemistry. Meanwhile, Charlotte and Rob have supposedly lost the spark, but they have way more chemistry than anyone else in this movie. It’s really uneven though. At times, they don’t seem to like each other at all. And then other times, they can’t keep their hands off of each other. I’m unsure what kind of romance story they’re trying to tell here.
The film also toys with the idea of a wife swap situation. Rob and Jackie used to date in college and they still call each other by their cute lil pet names. Jackie weirdly puts a framed picture of herself with Rob on Rob and Jackie’s nightstand. Additionally, Charlotte is clearly attracted to Valentino. Valentino even toys with her and asks her if she’s attracted to him. But he then shuts it down by saying he’s not into her like that. I don’t believe him! But yeah, it never goes there. It’s just… weird.
Morality: 0/10. What is the lesson of this movie? Let’s break this down. Charlotte finds Jackie’s newsletters annoying and braggadocious. So she snoops around Jackie’s life to find out what she’s been hiding. Turns out Jackie is telling the truth about most everything. Her successful career. Her handsome husband and his dojo. Her hyper-intelligent daughter. And as for her son? Well, her son died, and Jackie just didn’t want to put it in the newsletter. Charlotte feels bad about acting like a jealous bitch, and she and Jackie become friends for real. Now they write arrogant newsletters together! All is well!
So what can we take away from this? Don’t be a judgmental bitch? Not gonna happen. If someone sends out a snooty newsletter bragging about every aspect of their lives, they are trying to make other people feel bad. And I reserve the right to make fun of them.
It seems like the movie is trying to say that bragging about your life is totally acceptable and that everyone should do it? And if anything is going wrong with your life, be sure not to tell anyone about it? I really thought we as a people had gotten over toxic positivity as a concept, right around the time we gave up the idea of “girl boss” culture." But hey, this movie stars a bunch of people who were popular in the early 2000s, so maybe the concepts from this movie also hail from that time? I’m putting way more thought into the messaging of this movie than the writers did.
Music: 7/10. This movie starred Brandy and there was a whole Christmas Pageant. And yet we only got one Christmas song sung by Brandy? That is a crime.
Christmas Spirit: 10/10. This is where Best. Christmas. Ever! knocks it out of the park. You want Christmas spirit? We’ve got it! Lots and lots of snow. Multiple family meals. Shopping for a Christmas tree. Elaborate Christmas presents. A whole Hereditary-style doll house. A CHRISTMAS PAGEANT WITH AN ANGEL AND EVERYTHING.
Most importantly, this movie’s got Santa Claus. Lots and lots of Santa Claus. So one thing that Christmas movies love to do is have a Santa sub-plot in which the parents try to make their kids believe in Santa, even though they don’t believe in Santa themselves. But then it turns out that Santa is in fact real, even though the adults never knew it. Who has been putting all those Santa presents under the tree this whole time? Unclear. We’ll call this The Miracle on 34th Street Effect.
In this movie, Jackie and Charlotte’s kids band together to try to prove once and for all that Santa isn’t real. The evidence stacks up pretty quickly, and the kids are ready to give up on Santa all together. BUT THEN, at the Christmas Pageant, Charlotte hops into a sleigh attached to an eco-friendly hot air balloon piloted by Jackie (don’t ask). Charlotte puts on her best man voice and floats over the pageant gathering shouting “Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas.” Suddenly the kids believe in Santa again. All is well.
And if this wasn’t enough, after Charlotte lands, she meets the REAL Santa. He says something like, “Sleighs, am I right?” and then disappears. And Charlotte’s all, “OMG SANTA WAS REAL THIS WHOLE TIME.” Why was this necessary? What does it have to do with the rest of the movie? Absolutely nothing. But was it chock full of Christmas Spirit? Ho, ho, Hell yes!
Warmth: 4/10. I’ve mentioned this in previous Christmas movie blogs, but one of the hallmarks of a made-for-TV Christmas movie is a precocious young kid. This kid becomes the heart of the movie and adds in cute little commentary when things get emotional. Well, this movie had not one, not two, but THREE kids. And they were all the worst child actors I have ever seen in film or television. They sucked so much. Still, the sheer volume of children is going to give this movie some warmth points.
These kids sucked.
Then there was the whole emotional plot twist of the dead son. Having lost my brother right before the holidays just a few years ago, this one really got me. I’ll admit finding out about Brandy’s dead son made me cry, which is not something I was expecting. But was I crying because the movie earned it? Or was I crying because I was thinking about my little brother and my own feelings of having an incomplete family during the holidays? Definitely the latter. Still, they tried, I guess.
What’s the total score for this weird movie?
26/50 (52%) = F. This is a weird situation where this movie goes all in on the Christmas. On paper, it seems like it should be a good Christmas movie. But this is simply paint-by-numbers Christmas without any substance or heart.
Are we going to get an A movie at any point? I’d even settle for a C or a B, honestly. Let’s see how the rest of this goes. Wish me luck.