Hello friends! I’m back for another week of Are You the One madness.

The season is in full swing at this point, and the drama is really kicking off. Looks like we’re going to get our first AYTO FIVESOME next week. Yo, I am here for it, but I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s talk about what happened this week.

In the aftermath of last week’s Match Up Ceremony, here are the house’s main takeaways:

Everyone was shocked Jonathan and Basit sat together after the drama last week. Jonathan says there’s no way they’re a match. He’s still pining after Justin, even after Justin completely pied him off last week (if you’re not watching Love Island, then I don’t know what to do for you. You might not get that reference… but context clues are a thing). Justin says, “I thought about Jonathan as a possible prospect, but he got really possessive really fast. I don’t know. It just turned me off.”

Meanwhile Justin and Max are making out in a closet and… it’s kind of hot.

Here I am not wanting to ship them AT ALL because Max is the worst. But also dang.

Meanwhile, Nour and Amber are outside talking about how neither of them are out to their very conservative fathers. It sounds like their home situations are similar, and this is a lot of what they’ve been connecting about. Spoiler: this is a classic AYTO set up for their fall out that will happen a little later in the episode. Stay tuned.

Speaking of fall out, Jenna and Kai are officially a train wreck, as if we weren’t certain of that already. After the Match Up Ceremony last week, you might remember Jenna has decided she’s certain she and Kai are not a match. Well, she’s still certain this week. She tells Kai she clearly had a connection with Kari when they made out, so maybe they should just be together.

Kai starts shouting, “You have logically reasoning me out of your life even though you have feelings for me.” This bitch is draaama.

Jenna’s like, “I’m going to go make out with everyone else.” So she goes to find Remy (these three should just have a threesome already, amiright?). She and Remy make out. Remy is grabbing her ass. Remy says he knows full and well he’s being used in this situation? And how does that make him feel?

Whatever. It’s CHALLENGE TIME!

This challenge seems super fun, so let me try to explain. So first of all, they took a poll in the house to see which people in the house were the most desirable. The winners were (drumroll please) Jenna and Amber. The house seems at peace with these results. Basit’s like, “After the stunt that Jenna pulled at Truth or Dare, she definitely should be the most desirable.” See the gif from last week if you forgot about Jenna getting naked and doing acrobatics.

So anyway, everybody’s going to shoot their shot at Amber and Jenna using their best pick up line. So sort of like magnet poetry, they have words they can choose from to form a pick up line to use to “slide into their DMs.” Silly old person that I am, when Terrence J. said “best pick up line,” I was still thinking about, you know, actually walking up to someone at a bar or something and saying a line. SILLY ME. Put the old hat on me now, and I’ll go sit in the corner.

Anyway, the two ladies will be blindfolded while the rest of the crew puts together their best pick up lines. Then they will both pick their two faves, and those will be the people they take on their dates. Amber says she knows Nour and will be able to tell which message is hers, so obviously she’ll get it wrong. The fall is coming.

Kai obviously feeling real chill about his pick up line

So let’s get into the DMs that got picked.

Amber’s favorite is: “I’d lick your stunning body. I’m crazy and special.” This is Kari’s.

Second favorite: “You’re looking hella fine. Feel my money making butt.” This is Paige, and I’m definitely getting a sense of Amber’s sense of humor from the two messages she chose. Note: SHE DID NOT CHOOSE NOUR’S. Shocker.

Jenna’s favorite is, “Do you like cake because I do.” This is Kai. Honestly, I probably would have picked this one too. Jenna’s like, “What can I say? I like cake.”

Second favorite: “You looking like a freak. Teach me something you dream (?).” I’m not quite sure what the last part of this message was, and as you can see above in the gif, it hasn’t been finished on the board either, so this will be a perpetual mystery, but I think she said “you dream.” Anyway, this was Remy’s. Wow.

Jenna is not super thrilled about going on a date with Kai, but Kai says, “Good for me or not, Jenna gets me. And that’s just a fact.”

Meanwhile, Paige is thinking maybe she and Amber are a match, which Nour is real excited about hearing. Not.

Nour gets aggro right away. She says, “NO DON’T EVEN TRY IT.”

Paige fires back: “SORRY I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR. I’mma kiss your girl. Watcha gonna do?”

Nour’s like, “Nobody in this house likes you.” Then she makes fun of Paige for being really tall? This was a weird move.

Basit’s is not into this BS. He says, “That’s a bit much. I’m all about telling a person how I feel, but I’m not into name-calling. That’s bullying. That’s corny.”

Anyway, let’s bring some positivity back into the house, shall we?

That’s right! It’s queer prom time! While everyone is out on the date, the rest of the house is going to throw the world’s greatest queer prom: dress up as your queerest version of yourself. I’m not gonna lie. When this queer prom goes down, I’m actually almost in tears. This is so sweet.

More on this later, but let’s check in on the date because Mtv says so. The Remy/Jenna/Kai situation just stays stick. Remy is into Jenna. Remy says, “Jenna makes me feel happy in many places in my body: my brain, my heart, my groin.”

Jenna and Kai are sitting together and chatting about their doomed relationship. Jenna says she ignored red flags because she wanted Kai so bad. Kai says, “You told me you were crazy about me and you’re only person you wanted in the house… I just met you and I can already say I’m crazy about you.” And, guys, I’m not kidding you. It starts raining. HOW DID IT START RAINING RIGHT WHEN THEY STARTED YELLING AT EACH OTHER? WHAT IS THIS MAGIC? AND NOW THEY’RE MAKING OUT? Producers are pissing themselves right now. This couldn’t have played out any better.

Like for real what kind of Notebook ass shit is this? — Like for real what kind of *Notebook* ass shit is this?

Back to prom! Breaking news: Max finds out his dress has pockets and he’s so pleased. So pleased that he and Justin start dancing with Aasha in a super sexual way. They are grinding on Aasha, and Aasha is into both of them. They’re all making out. Is this the beginning of a fivesome? Girl, you have to wait to find out next week. I don’t know.

Let’s check back in on the date where Amber and Paige seem to be hitting it off. Amber says Paige is a “sexy version of Harry Potter.” I don’t really know what that means but Paige is into it. Paige is like, “Say more. Harry Potter’s my love language.“

Paige wants to kiss Amber, but Amber doesn’t want to hurt Nour’s feelings, so she kisses Paige’s cheek. Moving on.

BACK AT PROM! I’m getting dizzy. DIONNE SLAY HAS ARRIVED.

It seems like Jonathan and Basit are coming to understand one another through their drag personalities. Jonathan really appreciates DIonne Slay and says he’s beginning to understand Basit. Uh huh okay. Let’s see about that.

Outside, Kylie is hitting on Nour. Nour makes out with Kylie. Brandon’s like, “Nour is being a big hypocrite. Amber’s gonna be pissed.” Yeah…

So the date people come back from the date, and prom is still kicking. Basit’s like, “How was the date?” Cut to Jenna and Kai making out on the floor. Basit’s like, “Oh nooooo… That’s a yikes, yikes, yikes.” Yeah…

Basit says they don’t think these two are living in the same reality as everyone else. Agreed.

Nour is so excited Amber is home. She keeps calling her “WIFEY” which really fucking annoys me. Anyway, she grabs Amber and decides to tell her that she made out with Kylie. Amber starts crying. She says, “I was gone for a couple of hours and you do some THOTTY ass shit like that?” Yeah, it’s not a good look Nour. Amber says now she hopes Nour isn’t her match, and honestly I don’t blame her at all.

MOVING ON! It’s time to vote some of these bitches into the TRUTH BOOTH.

The only correct answer here is Kai and Jenna. They sat together last week, so this would give the house a lot of information about who was a match last week. And they’ve been up each other’s asses, so if they’re not a match, they need to move on. I’m really confused about all of these other people voting for Jenna and Remy. Like, what?

Before the Truth Booth reveal, Paige tells Terrence J. that she thinks she and Amber could be a match, and, real mature-like, Nour shouts, “EW! SHE’S ANNOYING!” You know what, Nour? You’re the fucking worst.

Anyway, thank goodness most of the house voted Kai and Jenna into the booth. They’re going in! Nour, proving once again that she’s dumb AF, shouts that this is a waste of a Truth Booth because they’re not a match. Please no one put Nour in charge of strategy because she’s clearly an idiot.

Surprising literally no one, Jenna and Kai are… not a match. Kai is beside himself. Sobbing, he says, “I feel like I don’t know myself or anything anymore.”

It would be SO NICE if they would just stop hanging out now, but this is Are You the One, so instead they go to the Boom Boom Room. As Basit said, “that’s a yikes, yikes, yikes.”

One more important moment before the Match Up Ceremony: Brandon and Jonathan sit down and have a chat about Basit. Or at least, that’s the only part of the chat we see. Jonathan says, “Basit really inspires me and makes me explore different parts of myself that I never really knew were there.” Brandon agrees. “He makes me feel open enough to express myself without being judged about it.” Note: Brandon calls Basit he, and Jonathan says “they.” Jonathan seems to be GROWING and LEARNING… maybe.

Let’s see how the Match Up Ceremony goes down.

First up is Jonathan, and he picks… Brandon? WUT? I was really thrown off here. I was so sure Jonathan would pick Basit that I actually wrote it down in my notes before Jonathan announced his choice. I feel so had!

Everyone seems surprised by this. Brandon says, “I was thinking dude was going to pick Basit.” Jonathan says he’s picking Brandon because of his body. So glad he’s had that personal growth we were talking about earlier. Jonathan’s reasoning: anybody who puts that much work into their body will also put a lot of work into a relationship… what. That is. NOT TRUE AT ALL.

Aasha picks Max. Also weird. Maybe a preamble to that fivesome. I really need to know what’s going to go down next week, guys. I need to know now.

Paige picks Amber. Amber said she would have picked Paige too. I ship it.

Kai picks Danny.

Jenna and Justin sit together. We don’t see who picked whom.

Remy picks Basit.

Kylie picks Kari.

Jasmine and Nour sit together cause they’re left over.

Hmmm… this is a weird set up.

According to Are You the One Math, there was 33.8% chance of a blackout, but they do not blackout. They get two beams. Who are the matches? Hmmmm… it’s starting to seem like Kylie and Kari have to be one of those beams. They’ve sat together every week. They need to try to get them in the booth next week so they can find out. That would give them a lot of information.

I’m giving up on Nour and Amber, so I think Kylie and Kari were that beam from the past two weeks.

As for the second beam? Maybe… Kai and Danny? I hate Kai and I love Danny, but… math. Ugh I hate it.

After the Match Up Ceremony, Basit stands up for themselves. They tell Jonathan they’re not going to allow themselves to be embarrassed by him anymore. Basit says, “I’ve given myself to you in an honest way. Jonathan says, “I’ve given myself to YOU in an honest way.” Basit asks, “Can you tell me honestly why Brandon was your perfect match today?” Jonathan says, “I went out on a limb and picked who I physically connected to.” Again, we’ve only seen them talk once, and it was about Basit.

Basit says, “I really believed in us.” Jonathan: “it’s not done.” Basit: “right now, for me, it’s on pause.” Yes. Good.

Alright, well, I guess we have to wait next week for this fivesome. I’m PUMPED. See you soon!