Bachelor Nation, the Book Squad team is back on their BS, recapping The Bachelorette after a multi-season hiatus (we quit halfway through Matt James’ season because it was giving us the ick). But we’re optimistic about Charity’s season, and we’re looking forward to seeing how it all shakes out (SPOILER FREE of course… no spoilies in the comments please!).
If you’re new to our Bachelor/ette recaps, welcome. If you’ve been here before, you’ll notice some things have changed and some will remain the same. Yeah, we’re still drafting and we’re still going to collect points for our Bachelor teams throughout the season. But this season, Emily is joined by a new co-recapper… her longtime reality tv-watching buddy, Bonnie Asato!
Bonnie is also a longtime Bachelor fantasy league champion, so the competition is going to be tough. For our first recap, we will draft our team, and in future recaps, we’ll recap the episode and dole out points for our guys. Now that you’re all up to speed, let’s get into it.
Emily: It's been a minute, but we're back recapping the Bachelorette, and with a new co-host this time! My friend Bonnie Asato is joining me, and she's a pro at this show. How do I know? She always wins in our Bachelor fantasy leagues. So this is going to be a TOUGH competition. Before we draft, Bonnie, do you want to say what you're looking forward to this season?
Bonnie: I'm looking forward to seeing more of sexy John!!! And here for the drama. Always.
Emily: There are some hot guys this season. We also think that Charity might wear some good outfits, so we might start a fashion corner depending on how the show goes. We're really here for the right reasons. Hot dudes. Fashion. Drama.
Bonnie: Yesssss! Why else do people watch this show???
Emily: So Bonnie, since you're new to this, let's talk about how this draft works. We do a snake draft, which means it goes: person 1, person 2, person 2, person 1, person 1, etc. So basically if you pick first, you also get the last pick. You get first dibs but the next person gets to pick 2 after you.
Since this is your first time, I was going to invite you to pick first if you want. Or you can defer and go second if you'd rather.
Bonnie: I’ll go second.
Emily: Ok! For my first pick, I'm going to have to go with Xavier. He's just really hot, and he got a kiss, and he's a fave. He's also a scientist so he's SMART.
Bonnie: Good choice, good choice.
Emily: I feel like I know your first pick.
Bonnie: I'm going to pick John, because....HELLO! Second kiss of the night, and have you seen him? Stunning. If he doesn't win, first Asian Bachelor. PLEASE ABC. PLEASE!
Emily: We're hoping maybe John will be the next Bachelor for sure. And just saying Sharleen Joynt also wants him to be the Bachelor, so we have Bach royalty on our side.
Bonnie: Asians represent! Let us make poor choices on tv too please!
Emily: Hahaha! Okay who are you picking next?
Bonnie: Ok, next pick is going to be..... SO HARD. Brayden for the drama.
Emily: That's good. I feel like he's going to be around for a while. And just because I know people are probably wondering what our take is on the whole “bragging about being kissed”/first impression rose thing, we think Brayden is young. And when he got a kiss from a hot girl everyone likes, he just got excited. Does he deserve the first impression rose? Why not? It’s definitely going to put a target on his back for future episodes.
Bonnie: Clearly getting a villain edit, and we know why I'm here. DRAMA. That was a very tough call though.
Emily: I can't decide if I want to go with my heart or go with who I think Charity likes… but next up I'm going with piano man Aaron B. Because clearly Charity is into him.
Bonnie: GOOD CHOICE.
Emily: We don’t love that he played a piano for Charity because it’s super cringe when men play musical instruments on dates. Like, dudes, you’re not fooling anyone. You’re not doing this for the lady. You’re doing this for yourself. Please stop.
Bonnie: The piano was cringe, but he seems like there is some drama potential.
Emily: Drama potential for sure.
Bonnie: Brayden was outwardly confident, Aaron was inwardly confident. I see some tension happening.
Like what are we supposed to do while you play your instrument? Just sit there and look at you? Cringe.
Emily: Okay I'm going Joey next. It seems like he makes it far and Charity likes him for some reason.
Bonnie: Jealous!!! I was debating choosing him second as well!
Emily: This is tough because I don't particularly like him, but I think he's going to stick around. I feel bad stealing him from you because of the Hawaii connection (Bonnie is from Hawaii). But oh well.
Bonnie: Hawaii represent! Even if he's not actually from Hawaii. So really.....colonizers represent? That got dark so fast. No, keep him. Hahaha, but I do think he's a great pick. My next pick is Dotun. He's really tall, seems nice, great back story. Also, him and Charity can talk about how their parents are still together and they both have great role models for a marriage.
Emily: They never talk about anything fun.
Bonnie: If you don't have a perfect marriage to look up to, how will you ever turn out ok???
Emily: No idea. That's why I'm so messed up.
Bonnie: My next pick is Warwick. He's so cute, and I would also be excited to see him as the next Bachelor.
Emily: NOOOOOO! I love Warwick.
Bonnie: He seems very sweet. He calls himself adorably awkward, and I am here for it. Japanese represent!!!
Emily: He is adorable.
Bonnie: He's been to Japan multiple times and understands Japanese. I know you would connect with him. I apologize for stealing him.
We did NOT get the towel thing, Tanner
Emily: He was definitely going to be my next pick. Now I have to figure out what to do next. Okay I'm going to pick Tanner next because I think I saw in the preview that he gets to go on a date. I have no feelings about Tanner otherwise.
Bonnie: Good choice. Also, he's tall.
Emily: He brought a towel.
Bonnie: Yeah, we didn't get to see much of him this episode. But we love a gift. That one guy brought food. The one who worked on his parents farm.
Emily: Wait who brought food?
Bonnie: James, 28, Chicago lawyer. He brought donuts and cider.
Emily: Okay, I need to take him then. That would be immediate first impression rose for me.
Bonnie: I wrote down that he is not end game, but she seemed to think he was nice.
Emily: Yeah, fuck it. I’ll take him. For the donuts.
Bonnie: Yessssssss. Definitely a right reason.
Emily: Okay, who are you going with?
Bonnie: We're starting to get down into the, "Who is this man?" category. I'm going with two guys who got called up back to back for roses. Aaron S. One of the older guys there, and he has a colorful narrator vibe. And Caleb A, because he's a doctor, and he seemed nice. It seemed like he was very excited for Charity, and we love to see it.
Emily: Aaron S. is the firefighter who blew out candles with Charity because that’s like… a baby fire? That they put out together? Unclear. Okay I am torn between three.
Bonnie: The pro wrestler? The yacht captain? The floppy haired whiny one?
Emily: I'm going to start with Kaleb K. because you can't have all the Asian men, and he's from Norcross. GA represent!
Bonnie: Kaleb K? I genuinely just wrote his name, and no notes. Who is he? Don't know.
Emily: I just wrote "Also tall from Norcross" for his notes.
Bonnie: Ok, just had to check the bios. I remember his face.
Emily: Okay, you know what? I'm going yacht captain. Michael is on my team.
Bonnie: YESSSSS. That would be my choice as well.
Emily: Okay, you have two!
Bonnie: Oh god. WHO ARE THESE MEN???? Besides Spencer.
Emily: I hate to say this, but Spencer was really frightening us. Like I felt like he was more interested in eating Charity than dating her. What I’m saying is I think he might be a cannibal. Maybe he was just really nervous, and he was clearly very drunk, and he’ll calm down in future episodes, but I’m just worried.
Bonnie: I mean....I might choose him for lolz. Not right now. But maybe. He's definitely a CHARACTER. But I also never want to see him again.
She just seems a little scared too
Emily: I think he has people locked in his basement. I think he might have a son. Or he might have a doll he calls his son made out of human hair.
Bonnie: The tongue. I cannot. Genuinely made me shiver. Like.......HARD NO.
Emily: Okay, so not Spencer. Then who?
Bonnie: This is so hard. I'm going with Adrian. He's got a deep voice, and is 33.
Emily: All good things. We're down to the dregs.
Bonnie: Exactly. Fuck it, Caleb B the pro wrestler.
Emily: Okay well here we go. I'm going with the underwater welder. We’re just going off of jobs now. John Henry. I mean why not?
Bonnie: Maybe he's the one who welded the submersible shut. The Titanic one.
Emily: Totally.
Bonnie: Also he’s 30. Respectable.
Emily: Okay, so we've got Sean, Josh, and Spencer left. One will be out. Who will it be? Let me think about who I want to pick. I feel like Harvard Josh is the CORRECT pick, but I'm going with Spencer.
Bonnie: YESSSSSSSSS! Get itttttt. Also, I wanted him to be picked, but I also really cannot have him on my team. I had a full body negative reaction to his time on screen.
Emily: He's already cried, so at the very least, I'm hoping for crying points.
Bonnie: Oh, he will DEFINITELY cry again.
Emily: Who are you going for?
Bonnie: I'm going with Sean because he seems like he wants to cause some DRAMA. Josh just ordered water at the bar, and does not seem like he's into drama. He also held her hand on his chest, which felt kind of uncomfortable. It was VERY INTENSE for your first moment right out of the limo.
Emily: Floppy hair it is. Sorry, Josh. You might've gotten accepted into Harvard, but you weren't accepted in our hearts.
Okay, so just as a disclaimer. We did NOT read any spoilers before drafting. I cannot stress enough how UNPREPARED I was for this. Excited to see how it goes!
Bonnie: I just found out about this last night while I was in bed, so I was definitely unprepared.
Emily: Haha true! Thanks so much for joining me, Bonnie! So excited to be back in the recap game. Any final thoughts on this episode?
Bonnie: I think it was a great start to the season! Charity has some good options! Like JOHN.
But also… John for Bachelor
Emily: She has some good options. And overall, I trust her tastes so far. She made out with some hot dudes, in other words.
Bonnie: Yes! She was very in sync with some of our top picks. Really loved how she was making out with all the guys. Here for that.
Emily: Yay we did it! See you next week!
NOTE: We forgot to name our teams, so we are going to come up with names after next week’s episode. See you then! Here are how our teams shook out:
Emily
Xavier
Aaron B.
Joey
Tanner
James
Kaleb K
Michael
John Henry
Spencer
Bonnie
John
Brayden
Dotun
Warwick
Aaron S.
Caleb A
Adrian
Caleb B
Sean
Josh - RIP