Here at BSG headquarters, we have decided to engage in an act of communal self care and NOT recap the fourth season of Riverdale. We know that this is a huge disappointment to all five of the people who actually watch the show in real time and not when the entire season drops on Netflix over the summer, and we’re sorry. Of course, you know we can’t quit cold turkey, so here’s the plan: we will do three blog posts for Riverdale’s fourth season. This, the first, is our “season preview,” if you will. We’ve watched the first three episodes and have recorded our thoughts and predictions based on what’s gone down so far. We’ll check in again during the mid-season hiatus, and then we’ll post after the finale to see how everything stacks up and how truly unpredictable this show is.

Spoilers for episodes 1-3 to follow.

Kelli: So, the first thing we should address is probably the first thing this season addresses, and that’s Luke Perry’s death. The first episode basically serves as a tribute to Luke Perry by being a tribute to Fred Andrews. What did you think of the way they decided to handle his loss?

Mary: The episode was touching, and truly felt like a nice send off for both Luke Perry and Fred Andrews, but I’m confused why they waited to do this until the beginning of season 4. The audience knew Luke Perry passed somewhere around the middle of last season, and the show preemptively wrote Fred out of the show afterwards, vaguely saying the was “out of town” (for what, I’m still not sure).

Kelli: Yeah, that’s a good question. Maybe they felt like they had too many other plot threads to tie up and to do Fred’s death towards the end of the season would be using valuable wrap-up time? Also, it’s possible that it just felt too soon at that point.

Mary: I did like this episode, but it felt weird--perhaps especially so to me because I’m unfamiliar with Perry’s work aside from Riverdale. The first episode of a season usually sets the tone for the rest of the season--especially in something like Riverdale that has approximately 500 plots per episode that all interconnect in some way. Having the first episode act as a tribute (and little else) felt off kilter to me, and honestly made me confused as to what to expect from this season.

Kelli: I was honestly surprised that they made the choice to have Fred die on the show, because there’s something sort of odd about killing off a character when the real life actor is already gone. It’s almost like that person dies twice. I don’t know if I’m alone in feeling this way, or how commonly this route is taken — I honestly haven’t watched too many shows that were still airing when one of the lead actors passed away. I guess we’ll see how they handle this with Carrie Fisher when it comes to the next Star Wars film as well.

Either way, I think the writers were respectful, and managed to include some nice Luke Perry-specific tributes, like the casting of Shannen Doherty as the woman Fred died rescuing.

Mary: That’s a good point--I didn’t even notice that because again, I am trash totally unfamiliar with Luke Perry. I got a sense that the entire cast was feeling the loss. They all really loved him.

Kelli: I mean the only reason I knew was because I saw something on Twitter about how she was in the episode, so I knew to look for her. God knows I didn’t watch 90210.

Mary: The second episode picks up sometime after Fred’s funeral, and wastes no time introducing a million plots. I was super sick when I watched the second episode, and initially felt like I was in some weird fever dream as Betty, Jughead, Archie, and Veronica all had sex in the first scene of the episode (in separate rooms, because Riverdale isn’t there yet). I had so many questions: where are their parents? Wow, isn’t this an upgrade from the sex bunker of last season? And that’s when it dawned on me: most of these seniors are functionally orphans.

Kelli: Also the part where they wake up late for the first day of school and all of them are freaking out and rushing around as if they actually care about school.

Mary: I KNOW. As if they have EVER cared about school in their LIVES.

Archie’s dad is dead, leaving him with a mother who doesn’t want to leave Chicago and, let’s be honest, isn’t super practiced in being a mother.

Kelli: Or, strangely, an actress. Like I’m sorry, but Molly Ringwald is really… not pulling it off on this show. I know she’s used to working with the likes of John Hughes, but I am a little shocked by her inability to express emotions with subtlety. Am I being harsh???

Mary: Jughead’s mother is gone and his father is working full time as the sheriff. Both of Veronica’s parents are in prison. Betty’s mother is a captive in a cult and her father is dead (for now anyway--I believe he could come back).

Kelli: Yeah, I think it’s pretty clear that everyone will be back at one point or another. I mean, are Veronica’s parents really in jail? Debatable.

When the parents are away, the kids are gonna bang.

Mary: I immediately got to work trying to identify what the main plot would be this season. So far, I’m not really sure. Mr. Honey is Mr. Weatherbee’s meaner, sharper replacement, but I’m not sure he has the stamina to be a big bad for the season. Reggie is being abused by his dad, but that seems to be all fine by the next episode. Jughead is going to a private school for gifted students, but is that really something to hold on to? After the big cult/G&G killer thing last season, I don’t really know where they go from there. And even three episodes in, I’m still not sure! What do you think the big plot of the season is?

Kelli: Oh, it’s going to be the private school, one hundred percent. This has the makings of something that could become very Secret History-esque, which I am here for. Secret societies, bloodshed, human sacrifice. I also think the new principal of Riverdale could go in a BTVS season 3 direction (I know that in Buffy it was actually the mayor, but still). I mean, he might not be working directly with the underworld since this show is still rooted in a non-mystical reality, but also, maybe it’s time we go there?

Mary: One thing that seems important this season is Betty working with Charles (who, I want to note, is both her and Jughead’s half brother) on the Farm’s case. She’s trying to save her mom and Polly and just doing a lot of spy/detective work. Betty seems like she’s being groomed to take her detective skills to the next level, but with the Farm plot wrapping up by episode three--where is this going to go?

Kelli: I keep forgetting about him being Jughead’s brother too. Awkward. I wouldn’t be surprised if Charles starts training Betty for the FBI, because that seems like the kind of thing this show would pull.

Mary: Also, I think Jughead might be on his way to getting killed off The Secret History style, as you said. His snobby prep school peers have that The Secret History vibe to me--all rich and full of themselves. I was really taken away by the description of a particularly snotty boy as a “diplobrat.” We keep getting flashes of the group looking for Jughead in the woods, and then last season ended with the group burying (?) Jughead, or what we presume to be Jughead. Would this show kill him off? Or is this a big tease?

Kelli: You know, that’s a good question. At first I was like, they’re definitely not going to kill Jughead, but the truth of the matter is that this show is insane and only continuing to go downhill, and if these young actors don’t want to end up in a Supernatural situation they’re gonna need to start dropping out. I wouldn’t be terribly surprised if Cole Sprouse (or Lili, tbh) was the first to leave. But it’s also possible that they have a contract in place, so who knows? I still think about the time last season when they pretended to kill Jughead and Cole posted some troll shit about thanking the cast and crew. I can’t.

Mary: It’s weird to me that we’re this far in and things are going slow (which is insane because the show has already covered, in three episodes, a normal season’s worth of plots) for Riverdale.

Kelli: Yeah, I think they tend to drag things out at the beginning because they know they’re in for a loooong 23 episodes. Despite the fact that it feels slow, a ton of shit has already happened, and as usual the pacing is all over the place. Can we talk about the complete insanity of the farm’s conclusion?

Mary: Yes! I had thought we were done with the farm after they disappeared last season, but no. They’re apparently hiding out in a hotel, being held more or less captive by Edgar, who plans to have them all drive off a cliff while he LAUNCHES INTO SPACE.

Kelli: After everything that happened last season, we learn that Edgar Evernever was not only harvesting organs, but also building a rocket. Like, for space. I’m… speechless.

Mary: The best part of this whole situation is that he’s wearing an Evil Kenevil jumpsuit with a custom belt buckle that has his name on it, just casually getting in his homemade rocket ship.

Kelli: My god. How did he manage to get his hands on that costume from hiding? Also, why did they bother pretending to “ascend” if this was the ultimate goal?

Betty manages to find her mom and break her out of the motel, at which point they accost Edgar at his rocket and Alice shoots him through the chest. We’re in EPISODE 3, people.

Mary: That’s what I’m saying! It’s episode three and YET so much as happened. The farm stuff felt pretty final to me, though. Edgar is presumably dead, so where else is there for that plot to go?

There’s also a really gratuitous car wash we have not discussed.

Kelli: I’m wondering what is going to happen with Alice now that this mission is over. Is she ALSO going to continue working with the FBI? Are she and Betty going to team up as a dynamic mother/daughter spy duo? And is Charles actually a good guy? Because I literally don’t trust any character Riverdale introduces at this point.

Mary: That sound like a whole other show that I’d be very into watching.

A fun side note about Charles--he’s played by a former Survivor contestant!

Kelli: So far, Archie’s plot doesn’t seem to be very interesting (what else is new?). He lost his dad in the first episode, and now seems very devoted to committing himself to cleaning up the town of Riverdale, just like Fred tried to do. During the first episode when Archie kept saying “I’m a terrible son,” I was like, yeah, no shit Archie. So I guess now he’s trying to make up for that by insisting to his mother that he will NOT leave Riverdale for Chicago and WILL only focus on his child-run community center for punching.

Mary: Bahahaha--that’s exactly what it is. I’m so tired of Archie’s obsession with boxing, but I guess I have to acknowledge it as an actual plot now that it’s crossed into a new season. I do hate it, though. Since Archie refuses to leave Riverdale, his mom is staying in town for a while and doing pro-bono work (because Archie inspired her to be good or something). My question is--who is making the money for this family?! Is Veronica just bankrolling everyone?!

Kelli: I guess they’ll be living off of the riches Fred left them from his failing construction company?

Veronica’s plot is also boring (again: what else is new?). She continues to run her speakeasy (and also Pop’s? Unclear), but now she wants to make sure she separates herself from the legacy of her parents by taking a new name. She is now Veronica Luna, after her grandfather. Which… still a family name, but one Hiram deliberately chose to discard, so it’s mostly a ‘fuck you’ to him. If something interesting could happen with Veronica, what would it be?

Mary: I first want to say that I’m absolutely appalled by the fact that Hiram can LEAVE PRISON WHENEVER HE WANTS. He shows up in Veronica’s house one night, just chillin. That is not how prison works, even if you own it!

I’m not sure how Veronica’s plot could get interesting. I’m truly waiting for one of them to get pregnant.

Kelli: Hey, that’s not a bad idea. I could see it being Ronnie, forcing her to stay in Riverdale even though she dreams of Harvard. Unless the CW decides to acknowledge abortion as a thing that people do. (Looking at you, Alice and FP.)

The only thing we haven’t really talked about is whatever the hell is going on with Cheryl. She’s been having tea parties with Jason’s bloated corpse since last season’s finale, and it was only at the very end of the third episode that Toni walked in on the nightmare. Where do we see this going?

Mary: You can’t hide a corpse in your house forever--someone’s going to find it eventually! I’m not sure how Toni is going to deal with this information. Cheryl is clearly delusional, and she’s headstrong enough to ignore anyone trying to make her get help. Could this be the thing that breaks Cheryl and Toni up for good? I don’t know, but I hope not.

Kelli: I mean. If my girlfriend was hiding a corpse, I think that would be a dealbreaker.

Okay, the last thing I think we should do is each make a completely batshit prediction, and we can check in at the end of the season to see who was closer to any of the real batshit plot points that will surely roll out. You first!

Mary: I think this is finally the season where we get aliens. The rocketship might have been our first clue!

Kelli: Wow, that’s good. Okay, I’m going to say… Betty becomes the youngest-ever agent for the FBI, only to discover that Charles is just masquerading as an FBI agent and all of her assignments were FAKE, merely the ravings of a MADMAN.

Mary: Oooooh--that’s a good one! I could definitely see that happening.

Thank you for joining us for our Riverdale preview! Tune in later this season, when we see if our predictions came true.