When The Bachelor announced the spin-off Listen to Your Heart, no one knew we’d be where we are for its air date mid-April.
We’re all stuck in our houses. We’ve learned The Bachelorette has been indefinitely postponed so we’re not quite sure when we’ll be getting the next season. Where does that leave us? Bored and hungry for mindless reality tv. Enter Listen to Your Heart: a television show a lot of us were not planning to watch. But now suddenly the tides have turned, and here we are. Not only watching the show but recapping it.
Yes, that’s right. Mary and Emily will be recapping this show. We don’t know anything about it. We don’t know the format. We don’t know what the premise is, really, aside from people falling in love and playing music together. But we’re going to give you our first impressions of the cast members anyway. Here we go!
Emily: I already like her because her genre is musical theater. So she’ll actually be able to sing. She’s also jumped a fence before, so maybe she’ll be the Colton Underwood of Listen to Your Heart. Who knows! I can’t stress this enough. We don’t know how this show works.
Mary: I loooove that she’s a musical theater nerd! She’ll definitely be able to sing, but I’m concerned that the show will peg her as the Colton of the season--not for her fence jumping but for her “never been on a date” thing. We’ll see.
Emily: I’m only two bios in, and I’m already tired of all these love puns. I guess it’s pretty cool that he opened up for Jason Derulo, but what is American Folk Pop? That sounds awful.
Mary: I’m also not sure what American Folk Pop is unless it’s like...Train? The lumineers? Mumford and Sons? That’s all I can think of. I’m curious about what happened specifically while he was off being a marine. Was he married and his wife cheated on him, or was it more of “there’s a girl I liked but she didn’t wait on me!” If it’s the latter, that’s pretty lame of him. How can you expect a woman to wait on you as you go galavant around? Brandon looks VERY Nashville.
Emily: Oh so Bri is one of those people who brags about being allergic to gluten, which is such a weird flex and probably not true. I feel like people who are actually allergic to gluten don’t talk about it. That would be like me putting in my bio: “Fun fact: I have IBS.” No.
Mary: I’m pleased that there is at least one woman who’s almost 30. That being said, she’s a Mormon, y’all. I went through a weird phase where I watched a lot of Mormon movies (yes, there are Mormon movies) and became interested in Mormonism because it seemed so foreign to me. I’m hoping she mentions it at least a little bit--she’s got to since it seems like such a big part of her life.
This is how Mormons live, right?
Emily: So many people are talking about how Christian they are in their bios, which makes me think I’m really going to love this show. That was sarcasm. I don’t know what else to say about this bio because it’s pretty basic. She loves Disneyland and IKEA. Fascinating.
Mary: Of course she hasn’t been in a club--she’s super Christian! I think that it’s pretty standard for The Bachelor to have a kind of low-key Christian vibe--that’s a huge part of their audience, in a way. I’m worried that the show is going to typecast Cheyenne because she’s black and sings r&b. Are they going to make her lean into being black? So they can say they have a black person on the cast? We need Rachel to come back and wring out the producers.
Mary: A WEDDING SINGER. NOOOOO. I categorically hate wedding singers and just don’t like the overall vibe they have. Chris is definitely going to have a classic Bachelor plot surrounding him: the dead dad story. That sounds harsh to say, but how many times have we had women coming on to say how they just know their dad is looking down on them from heaven and approving? It’ll be interesting to see how that narrative plays out with a man.
Emily: At least his favorite songs to sing at a wedding are “Latch” and “Stand by Me”? I feel like I can get behind those choices. If he had said “YMCA,” bye.
Mary: I almost gagged out loud when I read the first line of his bio. Follow back his HEART?! Gross. Danny seems like the type of guy who takes heavily from the manic pixie dream girl playbook. He thinks he’s quirky and “weird” without actually being either of those things. Normal things that people like in his hands are “so different.” He thinks liking games is just so strange!
Emily: Yeah, I know this is the fault of the person who wrote this bio, but what does it mean he can turn any night or “situation” into a game night. Like, ANY situation? Jury duty?
Mary: I’m starting to wonder how they’re going to marry all these genres together in the show. What will the format even be like? Does Chris Harrison know anything about music? Gabe seems like a good Southern boy, writing thank you notes and going to church. Maybe he and Cheyenne can get together.
Emily: Yes, let’s start pairing them off, even though we have no idea how this show works. Gabe and Cheyenne could be cute. I kinda love how he has custom stationery? Issa vibe.
Mary: Watch this guy somehow hook up with the youngest contestant. I need to know more about his necklace tattoo. Why does he have it? What kind of necklace is it? It just seems silly. I’m also curious how his missionary family took to him apparently having a child out of wedlock. But you know, those probably aren’t questions I’m going to get answers to.
Emily: No, but based on this cast, I am high key worried we’re going to get a lot of Christian bands out of this show. Jesus take the wheel. Also, this dude only has two “interesting facts” about him. One is the necklace tattoo and the other “interesting” “fact” is that he likes to eat healthy and work out. I’m fascinated.
Mary: Jaime, girl, you’re 21 and your favorite food is margaritas? You’re 21 and you think you should have found a man to serenade you? It really baffles me when super young people come on shows like this and say I’M READY TO SETTLE DOWN because to me you’re just starting to live at 21.
Emily: Hard agree. Also she’s gone on 100 DATES THIS YEAR. Are we to assume this is 100 different people? Jamie, calm down. Spend some time with yourself. Get some margaritas with your girl. Take a nice long bath and ask yourself, “How is Jamie feeling today?”
Mary: If I got in the car with someone and they just started singing at me, I’d be really annoyed, Josh. Really annoyed. I do think it’s interesting that he’s had this whole life before the show, and doesn’t seem like a young, naive dude, but I wonder how much that’ll actually be discussed. He has--and I can’t really say why––big worship leader energy.
Emily: WIll Josh and Jamie hook up because she’s Pop/Country and he’s Country/Pop? If so, will we ignore the 10 year age difference? I’m curious to see how the whole “I haven’t dated since my divorce” narrative will play out.
Mary: I love that Julia’s dog is named Boo Radley. Really, I just like her in general! She seems nice and has a musical theater background (which we love). I hope she doesn’t prove me wrong.
Emily: Maybe Julia and Bekah will hook up and we’ll have a sexy lesbian musical theatre duo. A girl can dream. That would be the dream. I’m going to ignore the fact that her bio says she’s looking for a “man” and a “husband.” She just hasn’t found the right vagina yet. I do really like her, and I hope she’s actually read To Kill A Mockingbird and didn’t just use the name because she thinks it’s cute.
Mary: Another thing, these cheesy puns and wordplay are really grinding on me.
Emily: Oh, for sure. These writers need to be fired.
Mary: Mariana is so pretty, but it’s really unfortunate that the producers decided to go with the “spicy Latina” stereotype. *sigh* That’s not cool. I wonder what kinds of museums she likes to go to.
Emily: This show’s vibe is heavily religious and racist. Yeah, “museums” is such a broad category. Art museums? History museums? What’s your poison, Mariana? I also just want to point out that so far Marian wins the award for best hair. Like, damn. She looks good.
Mary: I’m not sure why Matt is on this show, since his band Brother Stone & the Get-Down is fairly well known (they’ve had albums, are on Spotify, have been featured places). I’m also not entirely sure what Neo Soul is, but I’m excited to find out. I wonder if he’s going to be seen as kind of an outsider because of his minor celebrity status.
Emily: I’ve never heard of him or his music. Shockerrrrr. He sometimes writes commercials. I wonder how he feels about Jed’s dog food jingle.
Mary: I’m genuinely interested in Mel because I listen to a lot of indie music, so maybe I’ll actually like her. Also we stan a purple haired queen. Maybe Mel finds it difficult to date because she’s out there doing Seinfeld impressions on first dates. Of course, it’s entirely possible she’s just got high standards, and in that case I don’t know if she’s going to find love on this show.
Emily: I’m just going to go ahead and come out and say what we’re all thinking. Mel is FINE as hell. I don’t feel like I’ve learned a lot about her from her bio, but I’m already inclined to like her because she’s cute, has purple hair, and likes indie music. But I agree, Mary. Will she find love on this show? Probs not.
Michael Todd—singer-songwriter—31
Mary: Full discloser: I looked up Michael Todd’s song mentioned in his bio “Hot Touch” and it was...weird? He kind of had a little baby voice? But it was also sort of a bop. I feel weird about it. This is just going to be a hard contestant for me to wrap my head around because his name is almost exactly my fiancé’s name.
Emily: He’s kind of got an Adam Levine vibe in this picture? Which, to be clear, we do not Stan. Michael Todd says he wants his music to be the “soundtrack of people’s lives,” which is such a douche thing to say.
Mary: I’m starting to think that if all these contestants are already sort of successful in music, maybe they’re here for the wrong reasons--or is love the only right reason there is? Natascha seems to have her own life and career in the music industry, but oh, she needs to find love. I’m excited she’s 33, which reveals the low bar of standards I have with The Bachelor.
Emily: I’m also thrilled she’s 33. I want Brandon and Natascha to couple up because they both play saxophones and I’m envisioning sax-offs in our future. Here for it. Make this happen, ABC.
So saxy
Mary: Again, this is a type of music I actually listen to, so I’m excited for her! I like her pink hair and she seems sweet. I’m kind of laughing at her shark-tooth looking necklace, though.
Emily: She’s a “Mississippi girl to the bone,” so what does that mean? She’s racist and doesn’t believe in alcohol on Sundays? What does it mean to be “Mississippi to the bone”? I ask this as someone who lives in Mississippi. Also if she’s SO MISSISSIPPI, why’s she in Austin? Just saying. I guess we have to root for her, right? Because she’s from our state? What does it mean to root for someone on this show anyway? What are we hoping she’ll achieve? I have so many questions.
Mary: We’ve met the villain of this season, haven’t we? Rudi loves chaos, being in (seemingly intense) relationships, and making her boyfriends let her look through their phone. She sounds like prime entertainment to me. And she also loves napping, which, who doesn’t?
Emily: “Rudi once waited for her ex-boyfriend to fall asleep, then used his finger to break into his phone.” Ohhhh no.
Mary: Who deemed that Russell has boy idol looks? I’m calling BS on that one, writers. It’s definitely cool that he teaches archery and knife throwing. The other dudes in the house better look out!
Emily: Something about his smile makes me want to like him. He seems genuine. I also love that he traded guitar lessons for magic lessons. I hope he’s not a complete dick. But teen idol looks? No.
Mary: He sings in four genres? Does he really, or does he just think he does? Unclear. Also, he has a very Thoreau vibe to me, renting a house and secluding himself to write and explore his art. Like Thoreau, he is likely very privileged and snotty to have the ability to do these things and presumably not work.
Emily: CHOOSE A LANE, RYAN! He’s sitting here bragging about eating an entire pizza in one sitting. Who hasn’t done that before?
Mary: Another person with big youth group energy! The way this bio is worded makes it sound like Savannah moved to Nashville specifically to find someone to date, and that is absolutely wild. I also want to note that literally everyone moves to Nashville to pursue music, and I highly doubt that any of them are as popular as the bios make it seem.
Emily: I wonder how many of these people knew each other from the Nashville scene before the filming of this show? Nashville is fairly big, but having been in a band before, I know how small music circles are. And I was in Atlanta, which is also a big city. Just saying, which of these people have fucked already?
Mary: This guy looks wild. Sheridan is a smart man for using microfiber towels on his hair, but I wonder if he’s going to be portrayed as too high maintenance for the girls. I’m also wondering how he has self funded tours across the country. And why.
Emily: A lot of these people are coming off as extremely privileged. I hate this guy’s hair and his beard. Just no.
Mary: Are you really “starting a music career” when you’re just learning to play guitar? I argue no. This seems like Trevor’s last ditch effort to make it big in music. He’s already been on American Idol, but since that didn’t work out he’s going to try this show.
Emily: There is nothing remarkable about this bio. I guess it’s interesting that he plays hockey and surfs? Except not really.
Join Mary and Emily for their Listen to Your Heart recaps every week, starting next week, on Wednesdays! Join us on this ride no one asked for!