Emily: We have FOUR HOURS of television to get through, and we’re finally going to find out who Peter’s mom has been crying about all season, and I am so ready because I never want to see this clip ever again. So let’s get this over with.

Susan: Back in Alice Springs, Australia, Peter says he feels like he’s just on another planet, and Bud, so do we. A planet where this so-so dude in his terrible white pants is supposed to be the ultimate prize for a woman.

Emily: We start with Peter comparing the outback to falling in love. Why do we put up with this show?

Susan: Peter tells his parents about Madison’s non-ultimatum-but-definitely-an-ultimatum. This is where Barb decides she hates Madison, and Barb is strong in this conviction, as we will soon see. Peter describes Hannah Ann as “having a beautiful innocence but all the confidence in the world.” Can anyone translate this nonsense for us?

Emily: I think it’s like that One Direction song, “You don’t know you’re beautiful, and that’s what makes you beautiful.” So in other words, it’s some dumb male bullshit where a man wants a girl who’s hot and confident but still needs affirmation from him at all times. I’m not delving further into this because I hate Peter and I hate that One Direction song.

Susan: Hannah Ann gets right to the points when she comes in the house with an immediate 2 points for crying.

Emily: That’s my girl.

When you realize there’s a 50/50 shot you might have to get proposed to by Peter

Susan: Pete’s parents are 100% IN on Hannah Ann from the jump. Peter’s dad says she is “remarkable.” Barb says she feels like she’s known her all her life.

Emily: Hannah Ann tells Barb she loves Peter and it’s been so hard not getting that validation but she’d rather be all in than hold back. Barb takes Hannah Ann by the hand and is like, “Shhhh... I’ll make sure he picks you.”

Susan: If past Bachelor seasons have told us anything, this went too well and is actually a bad omen for Hannah Ann.

Emily: Yes, Peter is clearly sad after this visit with the fam because he already knows he’s not going to pick Hannah Ann. Between Hannah Ann and Madison’s family visits, we cut to the live studio audience. I really love when we have the live episodes because we get to watch a group of people watching the same pre-recorded show we’re watching. And we get to have Chris Harrison tell us before we cut back to Madison’s visit with the Webers that this is going to be emotional. I’m so glad this is live so that Chris Harrison can emotionally prepare me for this. (Y’all. No. I hate it. I hate the live episodes. Can we stop?)

…but they’re paying me the big bucks for this.

Susan: Madison’s family day gets off to a much different start. Peter and Madison sit down to talk before meeting the fam.

Emily: Madison says, “It’s your journey and you are a big boy and you can make decisions for yourself… I feel like you put your feelings and your needs and your wants above mine and that was really hurtful.” Peter says he doesn’t know how Madison feels, and being close to this type of this decision, that’s something he should know.

Susan: Madison does finally shed a tear for 2 points. Getting points from Madison has been as difficult as getting a straight answer from her all season. And then, miracle of miracles, she finally says “I love you” for 15 points. Peter looks like he could die right now.

Emily: They haven’t resolved anything at this point, but because Madison says that she loves Peter, somehow Peter thinks that everything is okay and they’re good to go in and meet the family now. Once again this just shows how Peter’s needs are more important than Madison’s needs. They’ve addressed Peter’s concern, which was not knowing how Madison felt about him. They haven’t addressed any of Madison’s concerns. It’s no wonder Madison appears apprehensive when she’s forced to meet his family.

Susan: When they go meet the parents, Peter’s first words are “We just had a long talk out there, obviously.” He describes the ultimatum as a roadblock for them, when he definitely meant to say “cockblock.”

Emily: I love how Peter’s dad clocks right away that Madison is having a terrible time. No shit. He asks Madison if she thinks she and his son are compatible. She says, “Peter and I had a really conversation about this. Faith is my whole life, and he shared with me that he could grow that, and that’s what I kind of clung to.” Yes, you’ve “clung to” that, and that phrasing is worrisome. We don’t normally need to cling to things when everything is working out.

Susan: It’s pretty apparent that no one in Peter’s family thinks Madison and Peter are a good match. I’ve said Peter isn’t ready for marriage all season, but here’s when I really knew it:

Peter’s brother, Jack, notes their differing lifestyles and says he doesn’t want Peter to compromise any part of himself. Peter says, and I quote, “That’s what relationships are. Of course I’ll be compromising part of myself.” Y I K E S.

Emily: Meanwhile, it’s time for Barb to grill Madison. Barb says, “I don’t want anyone to change him, because he is who he is, and we love him for who he is.” Then Barb takes it a step furthe and tells Madison that whether or not Peter sleeps with other women is up to him. She’s not done. Barb also says when you find the right person, then they’re worth fighting for. In other words, BYE MADISON.

Susan: After meeting the parents, Madi says in an ITM that she realizes how truly different they are. And then, it’s the moment we’ve been waiting for the entire season…

Emily: Peter sits down with his family and Barb’s sobbing at the idea of having to hang out with Madison again. Barb says Madison is not there for him. What follows is a speech that is entirely too extra and I wasn’t able to write all of it down because I was also drinking a lot of wine, but here are some highlights: “I said Lord please guide Peter today and guide Madison to see where they’re at in this relationship… I think God has answered my prayers and put the right person in your path, and maybe deep in your heart, you knew that.” At this point, Barb (no lie) calls Madison an angel on earth.

Peter’s dad says, “Are you willing to risk something that’s so perfect to hope something might materialize?” His whole family is like, “REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED WITH HANNAH B?” Like somehow invoking Hannah B is going to get Peter to act correctly. The Bachelor tried that at the beginning of this season and that clearly didn’t work, so try again, Webers.

Susan: It’s clear Peter wants to pick Madison at this point because all he does is defend her and talk about how much love he has in his heart for her. His whole family is like…

Emily: This is the point in the conversation where Peter, with a straight face, says there have been no hiccups in his relationship with Madison. Say… say what?

Barb is losing her shit. Again, I didn’t transcribe it all because wine, but these are the highlights of Barb’s epic speech part II: “Hannah Ann loves you with all of her heart. Don’t let her go. Bring her home. Bring her home to us. We will welcome her with open arms. We welcome her with all the love in the world. She’s a dream come true, and God has placed her there for you. That’s what love stories are made out of. Someone who is so madly in love with you.”

Susan: While she’s right that Madison isn’t as invested, just having someone who is madly in love with Peter is also not enough to make a marriage work. Especially when Peter seems to just kind of be into Hannah Ann.

Peter is like, “OMG MOM STOP BEING DRAMATIC.” Nevertheless, this is the speech that ABC has been teasing all season. It’s basically the fence jump moment of the season, so I feel like my girl Hannah Ann deserves major points for being the girl Barb cries about, much like Cassie got major points for being the girl Colton jumped the fence for. We’re going to call this Fence Jump Points from here on out. And it’s worth 20 points (yes, I did go back and check). So congrats, Hannah Ann!

Susan: In all my guesses about whom Barb was referring to when she said this, Hannah Ann was not 1–5 on my list.

Emily: It was the most shocking twist in Bachelor history.

Susan: Chris Harrison tells the live audience that what happens next is “brutal,” so we know it will be mildly to moderately upsetting. When Madi greets Peter, she of course does a half-ass run/jump for 3 points. She’s sabotaging her own team.

Emily: They’re taking a helicopter to Uluru, which is this spiritual place for indigenous Australians. Like so many attempts this show makes to incorporate other cultures’ spiritual beliefs, this felt a little off.

Susan: Peter totally picked this “super spiritual” locale for Madi’s date to prove he is capable of being a “faith leader.” They picnic after and toast with sparkling apple juice, and I cannot think of a beverage that more accurately represents Peter as a person.

Emily: I finished my glass of wine after looking at that sad sparkling apple juice.

Susan: Madi actually gives a fairly decent breakup speech. She’s clear that they want different things and can’t give each other what they truly want when it comes to faith, marriage and overall lifestyle.

Emily: I liked that Madison said she was walking away so that Peter could get what he came there to find.

Susan: Flies are swarming around their faces like a symbol of how dead this relationship is. 10 points for self-eliminating.

Emily: If Madison had ended her journey here, I would have had so much more respect for her. But, sadly, to be continued.

Susan: The next day, Chris Harrison is like, “Sorry about that, Bud.” Peter says he’s mourning the relationship but knows he’s in love with Hannah Ann. Ok, sure.

Emily: Peter tells Chris, “The second that I knew I was in love with two people, I didn’t know how it ever could end. I honestly don’t know right now. I hate that so much. All I wanted was this to work out in the end more than anything. I still know that I want that love, but that’s kind of like all up in the air right now.” Which is definitely how you want to feel before you propose to someone.

Susan: Hannah Ann does a better run and jump, but no straddle 4 points. A man picks them up and takes them to…A KANGAROO SANCTUARY. And you guys, THEY’RE SO BEAUTIFUL. I almost cried.

Emily: During this date, Peter’s like,“Thanks for being here for me UNLIKE SOME OTHER BITCHES WHO WILL REMAIN NAMELESS.” But I really don’t want to talk about Peter at all right now. Hannah Ann basically wins this show either way because she gets to CUDDLE BABY KANGAROOS. Ahhhh! Who cares about being engaged to Peter? THE KANGAROOS!

Not to be dramatic, but we would die for this kangaroo.

Susan: Hannah Ann is not stupid, so she knows something’s up with Pete. His weirdness continues into their “last chance” date. She’s wearing a tight cocktail dress and lighting candles, and Peter is wearing a hoodie. I don’t need to spell out the metaphor here.

Emily: Hannah Ann sees Peter’s hoodie and immediately starts crying. She says she has no doubts about their relationship, but she wants to be with someone who is committed to this relationship like she is. She says Peter doesn’t seem completely there. I wonder what gave it away.

Susan: Peter leaves Hannah Ann for the night, and ABC leaves us hanging.

Emily: Boo.

Susan: At the beginning of Part 2 of the Dramatic Two-Night Finale, we learn that Kelley is in the audience. I’m giving her 5 points because this is random as hell. Oh and also our favorite bag of bones, Neil Lane, is there!

Emily: Will Barb be proposing to Hannah Ann? You have to watch to find out!

Susan: Peter says he still thinks love conquers all, which is the thing he’s been saying to Madison this whole time. But then he says what he has with Hannah Ann is true love and nothing is going to take that down.

Emily: Peter is all in on proposing to Hannah Ann because he has no other options. So he calls Ranger Rick to ask for his blessing. I really wonder how Ranger Rick is doing. Let’s bring him back.

Susan: Peter has fully convinced himself that this is going to be his big moment, and he picks the absolute gaudiest pear-shape ring of all time to seal the deal. But then Chris Harrison, Harbinger of Doom, arrives. He tells Peter he’s not sure Hannah Ann is even coming to the final rose ceremony.

Peter, realizing he’s about to be the only Bachelor dumped by both of his final two women

Emily: This whole thing was another bit we got teased all season, but I’m not giving out points for this because it felt like a total misdirect. Hannah Ann does come, so this felt like a method producers were using to wring more drama out of Peter. I rolled my eyes so hard.

Susan: Yeah, she was fully dressed in a gown. She was always going to show up. When she does, she says my favorite thing she’s said so far this season: “Hi, Chris Harrison!” Because you can’t just say Chris. This man is Chris Harrison always.

Emily: Peter tells Hannah Ann, “Madison left two days ago,” which is always what I want to hear before a proposal.

Susan: He then tells a big ol’ lie about how his heart chooses her anyway. He tells her he loves her and gets down on one knee and proposes. America has a Desiree and Chris flashback.

Emily: I feel so bad for Hannah Ann in this moment. She seems genuinely shocked that Peter has picked her. She cries, “You want me?! Oh my god!” and, “I get to love you forever! This is amazing!” We know her happiness is going to be short lived, but she still technically gets the proposal, gets the ring, and the final rose, so 50 points to Hannah Ann.

Susan: Back in LA, Peter sits down with his family to tell them what happened after they left. You can practically hear Barb’s inner monologue “I SWEAR TO LUCIFER IF YOU PICKED MADISON I WILL BURN THIS PLACE TO THE GROUND, BUD.” After like 10 full minutes of stalling, he tells them he’s engaged to Hannah Ann, and Barb loses her shit again.

Emily: But this clearly isn’t the end of the show, because we have an hour and a half left of television. So let’s see what happens next: Hannah Ann flies out to Los Angeles to see Peter, and it’s clear the news isn’t about to be good. Peter is crying and says he’s fallen in love with her and loves her, but he’s struggling. Hannah Ann says if he can’t love her back like she loves him, then they don’t have a relationship. It has to be 50/50.

Susan: It feels crazy that this is the third recent season where we’ve watched a post-season, pre-ATFR breakup (Arie/Becca and Hannah/Jed).

Emily: Peter says, “I never intended to give my heart to two people, and the pain that comes with that… I’ve not hidden anything from you. I’ve told you everything. And even when I don’t deserve it, you never left me.” Hannah Ann says she just wants that in return and asks him if he can give that to her. He says he wants to give her his entire heart but he just can’t do that.

Susan: I feel like Hannah Ann showed a lot more maturity than I thought she had during this conversation. For a 23-year-old who had never been in love prior to this, she seems like a realist, and she knows this relationship isn’t worth saving.

Emily: Hannah Ann is rightfully furious. She says, “You took away from me my first engagement. You took that away from me. I’ve trusted you, because that’s what you continued to ask me to do.” She really harps on this whole “you took this moment away from me” thing, and I want to break this down a little bit. First of all, LOVE that she says “my first engagement,” like this girl knows she’ll have SEVERAL more. But also, like… so? A moment is what you make of it. If this moment is no longer special to you, then your special moment will come. This doesn’t take anything away from that. Let two divorced and happily remarried ladies tell you! (I’m talking about you and me, Susan)

Susan: What Emily said! Hannah Ann, we can promise you you’ll probably barely even think about your first engagement once Pete is out of the picture. On to the second! Also, I have to note that Barb was just full-on cheering for Hannah Ann while she was dragging her son. It was great.

Emily: Hannah Ann is live and in the studio, and Barb is so pleased. It’s clear she’s ready to dump her own son and adopt Hannah Ann as her new child. I love what Hannah Ann said to Peter here. I wrote down some of my favorite bits: “You knew exactly what to tell me to keep me with you… words are powerful. Either you don’t mean what you say or you don’t understand the weight of your words and how they impact people. So which one is it?” Barb claps. Everyone claps. Get it, girl. You tell him.

Susan: I also must note that Hannah Ann looks stunning. This is a major breakup look, and I am here for it. I was really impressed with her here. She spoke in platitudes and Instagram quotes all season, but she came to say things at ATFR. My favorite part was when she called Peter out on some tea no one had heard yet, saying the first red flag should have been when he wanted to reach out to Hannah Brown for closure after they were already engaged. Um...

Emily: After a commercial break, Hannah Ann is gone. Peter’s mom is dying inside. Chris Harrison goes to Alabama. I just want to say I’m not pleased with what happens here, but I am digging Madison’s top.

Susan: I did not love this either. Chris Harrison frames this as if he’s taken it all upon himself to reunite Madison and Peter, and this feels really shitty to Hannah Ann. He asks Madison if she regrets what she did, and she says yes and that she still has feelings in her heart for Peter. He tells her that he thinks Peter’s dream is to be with her. She forgets all the reasons they are fundamentally incompatible and says “Looks like we’re going to LA!”

Emily: Obviously in the corner of the screen, we have to look at Barb’s live reaction to this conversation while this is going down. Barb is not one to hide her emotions.

Susan: Barb rolls her eyes so hard I can HEAR it.

Emily: So Madison shows up in LA to surprise Peter. Peter seems… confused? Maybe happy? He tells Madison, “I made a million and one mistakes, but I think I know that I fell in love with you and I know I messed up and I messed up and I messed up and I’m so sorry for that. I haven’t just fallen out of love with you.”

Susan: So Madison didn’t “win” the show, but this crazy shit is worth some points. She gets 20 points for this finasco. Madi comes out to sit with Peter, and she’s wearing a hot pink dress that I truly despise. This is what Kelly Kapowski would wear if she was on The Bachelor..

Emily: In my opinion, this is where things started going off the rails. It was clear that Barb had been getting a lot of hate online. And she was not prepared for that. So she was immediately on the offensive and ready to battle it out with Madison. Chris Harrison was not prepared. Barb says, “When I went for Hannah Ann, she was just so loving towards me. The next day we met Madison, and… she had us wait three hours for her to come in. She didn’t want to meet us… we’d just come across the world. We had to wait three hours. We didn’t get an apology from her. When I asked her if she was madly in love with my son, she said no and that she would not accept a proposal in four days. As a mother, that wasn’t what we were expecting.”

Susan: Even though Barb was coming at her hard right here, I do think this was an opportunity for Madi to just say sorry for making them wait. I thought her response of “At the end of the day, it is what it is and I can’t change the past” and “I’m not gonna be ashamed about who I am” were just kind of dismissive. Again, I get that Barb was really coming at her, but I think Madi does this thing pretty often where she conflates “standards” and “who she is” with not-so-cool actions and behaviors. If I do something I should apologize for, I can’t just say “Well that’s who I am” because it doesn’t acknowledge my shitty behavior.

Emily: This is one of those situations where I can see both sides. If I were Barb, I would not want my son to date someone like Madison, especially when I know they’re not compatible. But I do respect that Madison is on her own journey too. I just don’t see any world in which this relationship works out. I would be surprised if it lasts til the end of this episode. I feel like they’re dating the way Hannah B and Tyler C were dating at the end of Hannah B’s season. Which is to say… not really at all.

Chris trying HARD to convince them that they like each other

Susan: Yes, I do agree that Madison had a point when she said this isn’t all about what Peter wants. She has a right to speak up for what she wants in this situation as well. But yeah, I just can’t see how this would ever work.

Emily: I’m so sad that we get so little time with Clare at the end of this episode but SO EXCITED to be getting a whole season of her VERY SOON!

Susan: At least they replayed the Juan Pablo “I would never want my kids having a father like you” speech. It holds up. I can’t wait for more Clare.

Emily: Also hey… let’s check the scores. Who won? Oh it was me. Hehehehehe. Yay Team The Book Club!

Susan: I hold Madison personally responsible for my loss