Kelli: Hi! I’m not Susan, but I’m the next best thing, maybe. I’ll be here with Emily for the next two weeks as Susan prepares to walk down the aisle (as they’d probably say on this show). Emily, why don’t you start us off?

Emily: I am SO confused about where we are in time and in the episode because we keep starting in the middle of everything. I feel like the editing so far this season is especially bad, and we can talk more about that later, but just note that’s probably going to be a theme of this season: me talking about how bad the editing is. Anyway, here we are. Everyone’s talking about bullying and the definition of bullying. It’s almost philosophical, but it’s not.

Kelli: Yeah, I feel like they had a 20 minute-long conversation about semantics while crying. I guess we have to give them both crying points. +2 each to Hannah Ann and Kelsey. I really enjoyed all the other women reacting to the drama — like when Kelsey comes over to talk to Hannah Ann, Alexa stands up and goes, “I’ll just leave.” Natasha also tries to coin yet another bizarre phrase: “You never know when people are gonna snap, crackle, or *beep*in’ pop.”

Emily: Yeah… I know a lot of people love Natasha, but I really don’t like how she keeps doing this.

Kelli: I like her except for when she’s coining a phrase.

Emily: Kelsey tells Hannah Ann, “The word bully is a very serious accusation to make, and I’m not okay with that, and I will not tolerate it.” Kelsey says, “It’s not about the champagne. I don’t even like champagne.” Meanwhile, Victoria F is straight up smiling. She says, “Why are we so focused on this champagne bottle? Why are we not more focused on our connection with him?” I’m sure Victoria F thought she was going to be the biggest villain this season and she’s pleased these other bitches are making her look so good.

well champagne doesn’t seem to like you either, kelsey

Kelli: At this point, we have the first of several violent mispronunciations during this episode. 2 points to Hannah Ann for saying that this whole champagne situation is a “finansco.” Honey… did you mean fiasco?

Emily: This conversation is insane, but it’s still counts as a feud, so Kelsey and Hannah Ann both get 2 more points for carrying this shit into a new week. Kelsey’s like “you should have talked to me.” Hannah Ann says, “You told me to stay the fuck away from you.” And Kelsey’s like, “Oh so this about me now?” IS THIS FOR REAL?

Kelli: Team no one! Although, I have to say that when it comes to the semantics argument, I don’t think Kelsey being angry at Hannah Ann and saying mean things in her anger really counts as bullying. But maybe I’m just sympathetic to bullies?

Emily: Apparently at some point Victoria P got the date card (20 points). Do we remember this happening? What did the date card say? Who knows? I guess it doesn’t matter.

Kelli: Yeah, they 100% did not show her getting the date card. I guess they were like, “Victoria P has the one-on-one, isn’t it obvious?” Anyway, they walk around and shop for cowboy boots and other cowboy-related attire. Victoria P uses the word “stinkin’” and suddenly I like her a little bit less.

Emily: Peter says they’re going to a place that he goes a lot, and, like, this is LA. It could be anything. But. As it became clear what was going on on this date, I started screaming internally. It’s a fucking concert and everyone is line dancing. This is my literal nightmare. It felt like a Trump rally set to really bad country music. Here’s my question: does this count as a private concert date, or…?

Kelli: I don’t think it counts, unfortunately. There are a ton of people there and at no point does the spotlight shine individually on them (unless I missed something). Agreed, though — the only part of this date that looked fun was what we saw in the credits with Peter riding the mechanical bull. Watching a robot throw a man on the ground as a form of foreplay is something I can get behind.

Emily: Then we get to the evening portion of the date, where as we all know contestants need to share their darkest moments if they want to get that rose. At this point in my Bachelor/ette career, I have a lot of sob stories under my belt. I feel like I’ve become a sort of sob story connoisseur. As far sob stories go, this one rates pretty high, but Kristina from Nick’s season still has the most intense sob story I’ve ever heard on the show (watch this). I pretty much compare every story to this, and I think, “On a scale of 1 to eating lipstick, how bad is your sob story?”

Kelli: Yeah, that one is definitely the sob story to top all sob stories, but this one is genuinely pretty devastating. Victoria P explains that her father died when she was very young, and her mother, unable to cope, fell into addiction. She says that she, her sister, and her mother were in and out of shelters throughout her childhood, and she was pretty much solely responsible for taking care of her sister — who later became an addict as well. Victoria P says she can remember peeling and cutting a raw potato in half and putting salt and pepper on it as a meal for her sister. She’s crying this whole time, and while I occasionally find it annoying when people cry as they relate their dramatic stories (aren’t you used to telling it by now?), I believed in her pain!! 5 points to this tender queen. I forgive her for the use of “stinkin.’”

Emily: And we’re back on the Victoria P train! Peter tells Victoria P that he just started talking to God one day about his future wife, and he told God, “I don’t know where she is but watch over her.” I hate this so much. I want an atheist Bachelor please.

Kelli: This episode of the Bachelor was sponsored by God.

Emily: Kill me. Peter also says of Victoria P, “I have never been inspired by someone so much in my entire life.” I also hate this. But I guess I’mma give Victoria P 1 point for being so fucking inspiring.

Kelli: I think the best part of all of this was when Victoria P was describing her thoughts as a kid, how she would go in her head and imagine being away from that place, having a healthy and happy life — because we know now that she did make it, and is healthy and happy, as are her mother and sister, who are both clean now. That’s the real inspirational part, I think — that this family was able to get on their feet again. Anyway, Victoria P obviously gets the rose for 10 points. Then, for 2 points, they make out in a tiny plane, which seems weird, but I’m going to give an extra point because it’s kind of horizontal?

Emily: Sure, why not?

Kelli: Back at the house, the seeds are planted for the Sydney v. Alayah drama to come. Alayah is talking about how she’s wild and loves to ~get nasty,~ and at this point I wrote in my notes “I’m in,” because Alayah is hot. I was so innocent then.

Emily: It was a simpler time, back before we heard Alayah speak for longer than 10 seconds. But this is yet another example of how awful the editing has been this season. In my notes, I wrote, “Apparently Sydney and Alayah have beef? Sydney says Peter deserves someone genuine and that’s not Alayah? News to me.” This is bad storytelling.

Kelli: It’s time for the group date, which means it’s time for Demi. I’m normally happy to see Demi, but despite the amount of screen time she got, I feel like she didn’t really get to be herself — she was really just laying out the rules of the day.

Emily: Yeah… Demi says that she and Peter are “good friends” and I was like girl, since when? Like… what? No you’re not. Demi was definitely playing it up for the cameras. This was more like the Demi we got at the beginning of Colton’s season and less the Demi we learned about and loved toward the middle of Colton’s season and during paradise. In Sydney’s words, I feel like Demi was really focused on the “imagery of things.” We weren’t seeing the real her. Anyway, on this date we have Kiarra, Sydney, Tammy, Shiann, and Alayah from The Book Club and Sarah, Kelley, Natasha, and Savannah from Team Risk it for the Biscuit.

Kelli: I would like to give Natasha 2 points because during the entire scene where Demi is explaining things, she’s just straight-up scowling, like ‘who do these bitches think they are coming in here and throwing pillows at me at the crack of dawn?’ Once again: she takes no bullshit.

Emily: I would also like to award 2 points to Kiarra who explains to us that they’re all given bags of lingerie to wear on the date. Only she pronounces it “linger-y.” I cannot. Even.

Kelli: Once all of the girls have their outfits, Demi tells them to get dressed quickly because Peter will be picking them up in an hour. Sounds like there’s time to dress slowly and luxuriously, but okay. Eventually, they get carted off to a saloon, where they learn they’ll be competing in pillow fight matches. Fred Willard is back, which nobody asked for.

Emily: I love how Fred Willard is introduced as a “pillow fighting legend.” Again, girl, no you’re not.

Kelli: The producers obviously took this opportunity to pair up any rivalries they may have spotted in the house. Tammy literally tries to beat the shit out of Kelley (presumably to get her back for cheating in the first episode), and her violence gets her disqualified. 2 points to Tammy, because she’s only doing what anyone would, given the opportunity.

Emily: I really don’t understand the rules of this pillow fighting thing. I thought Tammy was doing a good job? I wrote in my notes: “Tammy was disqualified for being a bad bitch.” IDK man. Team Tammy. Meanwhile, Kelley is very concerned about this date. She says, “Who wants to see their attorney dressed in lingerie on a tv show?” Girl, you ain’t gonna be an attorney after this. Don’t lie.

Kelli: Kelley is a Very Serious Person. She is Not Like The Other Girls.

Emily: Speaking of not understanding the rules of this pillow fight, the Championship Round is Alayah the Royal Pain vs Syd Vicious (Sydney). Of course it is. They fight each other, and Peter’s dick is so hard right now. Sydney continues to be the worst as she says that this fight is like a “fucking elephant sitting on a rat. How you gonna get up?”

Kelli: My jaw dropped when she said that. Obviously Alayah has an incredible body so maybe that was coming out of a place of weird jealousy, but like… referring to another person as an “elephant” is rude as fuck.

Emily: Anyway, despite her body-shaming excuses, Sydney loses the match to Alayah, who is named Queen of the Bedroom and earns 5 points in the process.

Kelli: Time for a very dramatic cocktail party. Alayah takes Peter aside first, and when he sees the bruises she got from the day, he says, “wow, that was a real catfight.” No, Peter. It was a PLANNED MATCH between two women. You can’t call something a catfight just because it’s ladies.

Emily: I have decided. Peter sucks. Anyway, Alayah tries to tell a sob story to Peter, I think, because she tells him she’s been abandoned in the past? But then she doesn’t say anything specific. Nonetheless, Peter feels like Alayah really opened up to him. But like… how? No points for Alayah. Sorry to my own team. But… he does kiss her for 2 points.

Kelli: We get a lot of ITM from Sydney talking about how much she hates Alayah while the other women talk with Peter. Tammy says she was worried Peter might think she’s a bro, and he says, “I don’t do this with my bros” and makes out with her for 2 points. I can’t wait for Tammy in Paradise, tbh.

Emily: He also spends some time with Kelley in which Kelley tells him to get rid of his beard and then he makes out with her for 2 points. This dude is not fucking around with the kisses.

Kelli: I think it’s only special with him if he puts you on a raised surface.

Emily: Meanwhile… the fight between Sydney and Alayah is firing up, giving them 2 points each thank you very much. This beef is really childish. Like, I get it. Alayah has an annoying personality, but does that mean you can cause a fight? I really don’t get this rivalry at all. I’m sure there’s more to it than this, but, again, shitty editing.

Kelli: Yeah, it just seems like more of the same “here for the wrong reasons” garbage. Again: at this point it would be foolish to assume that anyone is here for the RIGHT reasons.

Emily: Sydney has the funniest line of the episode when she walks up to Alayah out of nowhere and is like, “Do you like work… at all?” I felt like Alayah responded really calmly trying to explain that, yes, she does work, and yes, sometimes when you do pageants you do have to quit your job, and yes, being in pageants did make her more conscious of her behavior and the things she says. What exactly is your point, Sydney? Thoughts on this, Kelli?

Kelli: Yeah, it just seemed like a downright aggressive move to walk over to another girl and accuse her of not having a job. Again: I’m not saying Alayah is great or anything, but I don’t really think she did anything to warrant Sydney cornering her like this — not that we’ve seen, anyway. Just… mind ya business, girl.

tag urself we’re both pairs of gaudy earrings

Kelli: By the time Peter finally sits down with Sydney, she’s had a lot of time to plan her exact takedown of Alayah. To her credit, she doesn’t actually name names during this conversation, just says that “some of the girls” seem like they’re “turning it on” for the cameras. I have some news for you, Sydney: not everyone is comfortable being their ~true self~ in front of a camera, and the fact that you are doesn’t make you ~different~ from other girls. What is it with the women this season clinging to the “I’m not like the other girls” trope? I thought we were done with that? It’s so fucking regressive and it turns my stomach more than a lot of the other casually sexist things that happen on this show.

Emily: I have to say that just in general, this season and this episode especially seems very OLD SCHOOL Bachelor. This date was super old school, having the women wear skimpy outfits in front of The Bachelor. These fights are very childish and seemingly about nothing. I feel like at least in recent seasons past, the women seemed to have legitimate reasons to fight with one another. But in general, this batch of women is just NOT doing it for me. And it’s been a while since I’ve said that about a group on The Bachelor. Usually the women are (in general) pretty fabulous. I can count on one finger how many women I like. Yes, you heard me. One finger.

Kelli: And the finger is Tammy.

After his revealing conversation with Sydney, Peter comes out to address the group. He sits down with everyone and tells them it’s been brought to his attention that some people might be turning it on for the camera and not being real with him. At this point, I thought maybe he was going to just issue a general warning to everyone — or ask people to speak up if they wanted to — but instead he fully calls out Sydney in front of the entire group of girls! He’s like, “Sydney, you brought this up, so is there anyone you specifically had concerns about?”

Emily: This is where Sydney says, tentatively: “Maybe Alayah, maybe you put on a little bit just for the imagery of things.” Those are certainly all words. Really dumb ones that don’t make any sense. Sydney comes off as really young to me. And, yes, I know she is really young, but I mean that she comes off as 14. If that sounds harsh, it’s because I’m OVER IT. Peter tells the group, “Listen, I just ask, be real, be raw. Be yourself. I’m giving this my everything, and please just asking you, if you’re not feeling it, if you’re just doing this for the cameras… I do not have time for that.”

Kelli: This really brought me back to Colton’s season and what I then coined as the Colton Method: “Step 1: Pull aside the woman in question. Step 2: Tell her exactly which girl was talking shit about her. Step 3: Provide key words from the shit talking. “Words that stood out to me: Cancer of the house.” Step 4: ???”

Incredibly, Peter has established a new method, an even WORSE method… The Peter Method. Step 1: Sit all of the women down for a talk. Step 2: Act like you’re not going to call anyone out. Step 3: Directly call someone out, and then ask her to call someone else out in front of everyone. Step 4: Become overwhelmed and leave. Which is exactly what happens. Sydney tells Alayah she seems fake. Alayah seems shocked, then asks if anyone else in the group feels that way. Nobody says anything, either because they’re scared to trash Alayah in front of her or because they don’t give two fucks. Peter becomes wildly uncomfortable and says “I don’t have time for fake” before ditching them to ruminate on his failures.

Emily: This is a mess. Sydney is crying (2 points). Alayah goes to Peter to defend her character, and she starts crying (2 points). Peter looks like he’s in literal hell, but as you already outlined above, Kelli, this is a hell of his own making. Anyway, after all of this… he gives Sydney the rose for 10 points (EDITOR’S NOTE: looking back, we realized that group date roses are worth 10 points, not 5, so we will adjust previous group dates from this season accordingly… our bad -- so that means 5 extra retroactive points for Victoria F, and 5 points for Sydney again because this is her SECOND GROUP DATE ROSE WTF).

Kelli: I really don’t think Sydney should have gotten that group date rose after basically ruining everyone else’s night with unnecessary drama, but okay. The next day, Peter arrives early with Chris and they announce that there will be a pOoL pArTy instead of a cocktail party.

Emily: As soon as this pool party was announced, I was very confused. I remember when this season was filmed. Was this not November? Was it not freezing cold outside? Lo and behold, Peter shows up in a sweater and none of these women are getting in the pool. Why are we doing this?

Kelli: Pool parties are always a hotbed (or should I say hot TUB) for drama. Right away, Peter sits down with Sydney to thank her for starting shit (?) and then she tells him he has to talk to everyone if he really wants to find out the truth. Cue a series of private convos where Peter asks the women if Alayah sucks and they’re all like, “kind of, but who doesn’t?”

Emily: I’m sure if he asked these women if Sydney sucked, a lot of them would say she does. Just saying. Alayah takes Sydney aside to chat, and Sydney doubles down, asking her, “Do you have feelings? Do you have emotions other than ‘perfect’? You can’t be happy all the time.” I know we were talking about bullying, and honestly THIS seems more like bullying to me than anything Kelsey did to Hannah Ann. Again, I know we’re only getting part of the story because of bad editing, but still.

Kelli: I agree. Sydney even tries to claim during this conversation that she didn’t do anything that would have been hurtful to Alayah, which… was she conscious during that “do you have a job” discussion?

Emily: While all of this is going on, Peter’s just cuddling with Madison reminiscing about that one time they hung out with his parents. Like, yeah, Peter, your parents are super cool and all, and probably way cooler than you, but continuing to bring it up is very unsexy.

Then Alayah finally takes Peter aside. She tells him, “I’ve never had my authenticity put into question ever. Relationships are all about trust, and I don’t want you to feel like you don’t trust me.”

Kelli: I had to laugh when she said that it had been the most difficult night of her entire life. So much for her attempted sob story about being “abandoned by friends.”

Emily: Peter says he’s really drawn to her and just wants the real Alayah. Somehow, he leaves this conversation feeling like he has seen the real her? Maybe? After he talks to her, he says, “With Alayah, what I see is the truth, but my logical brain says there are flags.” Okay.

Kelli: Finally, Peter approaches the only woman who he can be 110% certain is here for the right reasons: Victoria P. Finally, we get some real intel about Alayah other than “she seems fake.” Victoria P reveals that she and Alayah were once at a pageant together and spent a cumulative total of 3 hours together, but for some reason Alayah told Victoria P not to tell the producers that they knew each other. Victoria says she doesn’t know why Alayah requested that but it made her uncomfortable because she was asked to lie and “that’s not me.” She suggests that maybe Alayah “isn’t the one for you.” Peter. Is. DEVASTATED.

Emily: I hate to keep bringing up the editing, but I did say that was going to be a theme of this episode. I’m having a really hard time understanding WHY Peter is so devastated by this news. Because we haven’t seen their connection AT ALL. I had no idea Peter felt so strongly for Alayah. She’s been practically invisible since that note from her grandmother on night one.

Kelli: Yet again, Peter pulls Alayah aside, just when she’s starting to feel confident in their relationship. All of this back and forth is exhausting af. He brings up what Victoria P told him, and her eyebrows immediately slant in Emma Watson-style confusion. She says she only thought it might ruin their chances of both being on the show because they knew each other!! And like, okay, maybe she actually thought that — but Colton’s season was pretty recent and we already saw an entire pageant drama play out then, which the producers milked for all it was worth. Like, has she never seen this show before? I doubt it.

Emily: I don’t know. I actually believe Alayah is stupid enough to think this. And she might not have wanted a repeat of the pageant rivalry we saw last season between Hannah and Caelynn. I hate to be an Alayah apologist, because she’s not great, but I still don’t feel like she’s done anything terrible.

At this point, though, Peter is OVER. IT. He storms out. Chris Harrison shows up and is like fuck y’all get ready for the rose ceremony.

Kelli: 2 points to Alayah for a prolonged weeping sesh on the outdoor furniture.

Emily: Mykenna also starts crying (2 points) because she’s never been scolded by Chris Harrison before or something idk what her deal is.

Kelli: Finally… THE ROSE CEREMONY. Do you think that maybe the episode ending on a rose ceremony means we’ll finally get back on track for this season? Probably not!

Emily: I really, really hope so because my brain is fried right now. I need all the structure I can get.

Kelli: Throughout this entire ceremony, Mykenna is being incredibly dramatic for no apparent reason. She says she “didn’t get any time” with Peter because of all this drama, which is fine and I understand being frustrated, but literally every time the camera pans over her she looks like she’s mourning the loss of a child. It was downright distracting.

Emily: Roses are handed out. Kelsey gets the first rose. Then Hannah Ann, who is wearing some type of fierce ass dominatrix dress, gets the next rose. Next is Natasha, Lexi, Madison, Shiann, Kelley, Kiarra, Tammy, Savannah, my queen Deandra, and then… Peter walks away AGAIN. Chris Harrison is loving this drama. Peter says he really wants to give Alayah a rose but he doesn’t know what to do. Chris Harrison is quietly thinking to himself that Peter is a dumb dumb, but he does his best to act concerned for the “imagery of things.”

Kelli: When Peter and Chris get back from their therapy session, Chris takes away one of the roses. I’ve never understood this concept. Why not just give the rose meant for Alayah to your second-to-last pick? Why not keep Alexa around for another week?

Emily: Why not keep Alexa around… forever?

Kelli: Mykenna gets the last rose (so all the histrionics were for absolutely nothing), which means Jasmine, Alexa, Alayah, and Sarah are going home.

Emily: Sarah is so meaningless that we don’t even see her leave. I think Peter didn’t see her either.

Kelli: Behind the scenes fact: instead of writing “Sarah,” I wrote ____ and made Emily fill it in for me because I forgot the fourth person who got sent home.

Emily: Yeah… thank you, diligent notes.

Kelli: Peter immediately starts questioning his choice to send Alayah home. A nameless messy-bunned producer goes over to ask Peter if he’s okay. She secretly hopes he isn’t. He’s freaking out now, but based on the previews for next week, he won’t have to be upset about sending Alayah home for long.

Emily: So glad we will get to see more of Alayah next week, as she is one of the book loving members of The Book Club. Girl, we will welcome you back with open arms next week! See you then!