Emily: I think before we get into this episode, there’s a lot going on in Bachelor Nation that we need to address. Kelli and I discussed our concerns about Rachael last week in our recap, and since then, the heat surrounding Rachael, the allegations of racism, and the franchise’s response (or non-response) has really reached a new high. Rachel Lindsay did an interview with Chris Harrison which really has to be watched to be believed. And Rachael finally came out with an apology. Susan, what are your thoughts on all this?

Susan: Whew. It’s a lot. First, I’ll start by saying that Chris’s interview was really awful. Watching him gaslight a Black woman (who, by the way, has generously given so much to this franchise) was difficult to watch, and his call for “grace” was problematic in light of this show’s reluctance to take accountability for anything. And, as many BIPOC Bachelor contestants have noted, this “grace” is not extended to them. You can check out @bachelorinquarantine on Instagram for a great roundup of Bachelor Nation responses to Chris’s interview and Rachael’s behavior here. Here is the first of their posts.

Also, I want to note re: Rachael Kirkconnell’s apology from Thursday evening—while there is still more work to be done, I was actually pleasantly surprised with how much accountability she took and how directly she called her own actions racist. But it’s not my place to say how “good” the apology is. Just saying I’m surprised. Rachael had to face an unfortunate truth that I think a lot of white people (self included) have had to reckon with at some point in their lives: that something they’ve done in the past or a behavior they upheld was actually reinforcing white supremacy and racist ideas. From there, we have to own up, take responsibility for our actions, do the sometimes messy work of educating and re-educating ourselves, and commit to true antiracist action and real allyship going forward.

Emily: Yes, as white people, I think it’s important for us to acknowledge and understand that each and every one of us has been guilty of doing things or saying things in the past that are racist. It’s tragically built into the very core of our society, and simply claiming to be “not racist” does nothing to help. We can help by owning up to past mistakes, learning, and finding ways to be an ally moving forward. There’s so much more Susan and I could likely say about this, but I think apologies made by Rachael and Chris Harrison (and others) are not ours to reject or accept. So I’ll defer to Rachel Lindsay and the other people of color in this franchise who were hurt by the actions and words of these people. And I guess for now, we’ll just get on with recapping this show.

We start where we left off last week, which seems like a given, but it’s actually not. Remember two weeks ago, we ended in the middle of a group date. And then when we came back last week, we just started in the middle of some power walking like group dates and group date roses don’t even matter. But no, ABC is honoring my sanity this week, and we’re starting where we left off, which is with MJ talking over Jessenia about how she represents PEACE and LOVE. “My actions speak louder than words,” MJ says. “I lead by example,” she says again. And again, I have to stress that these words don’t inherently MEAN anything. What actions are you speaking of, MJ? Who are you leading? What is your example?

Susan: What she doesn’t understand is that the only “example” she’s setting is a shitty one, so really she just proves Jessenia’s point every time she tries to use this catchphrase. Matt sits down between them and just sighs deeply. Twice. And if that isn’t a perfect encapsulation of how we all felt this week, I don’t know what is.

Emily: Can I make a confession? When Matt James sat down with these two women, I had a real moment where I was like, “Oh yeah, he’s on this show.” I totally forgot about him.

Susan: Jessenia tells Matt that MJ lied to his face and that she is, in fact, part of the toxicity that’s been plaguing the house. She’s cool as a cucumber because, let’s face it, she shouldn’t be on this surprise 2-on-1. By the way, they each get 10 points for being on a 2-on-1, as lame as this one might be.

Emily: While Jessenia speaks with Matt, MJ is losing her shit. Probably because she knows she’s in the wrong. She cries a whole bunch for 2 points. She also calls Jessenia a “little bitch,” which is worth no points. MJ truly has no self-awareness whatsoever, does she?

Susan: MJ came on this season with a pocket full of catchphrases she wanted to make happen, one of which is “weak bitch moment” / “weak bitch energy.” She gathers herself and says she had a weak bitch moment but now she’s back.

Emily: Then MJ finally gets to talk to Matt, and she says a whole bunch more that doesn’t actually mean anything. Here are some highlights: “My heart is so big, and I’m trying to show that to you every second I get with you.” “I’m mentally and emotionally exhausted and to have my character put into question, that hurt me the most.” “I’ve had to overcome so many fears this week, and right now my biggest fear is losing you.” Phew. I don’t have the words. I’m just going to let MJ’s words speak for themselves since, you know, she leads by example or whatever.

Susan: I really wish MJ had turned out to be cooler like I anticipated in the first few episodes. I love her style and her whole look in this episode, but it’s such a waste because she’s mean.

Emily: Jessenia and MJ are then forced to sit with one another once again, both of them knowing full well the other one just talked a whole bunch of mad shit about them. MJ tells Jessnia she needs to “check herself,” and Jessenia was like, “I check myself every day.” What does checking yourself every day look like? For some reason, my brain went straight to doing a breast self-exam every day to check for lumps and I was like, well, that’s very responsible of her.

Susan: I did love the power move Jessenia pulled of calling MJ but her real name. “You know what, Meredith? You preach all the time about ‘weak bitch energy.’ Weak bitches lie.” Okurrrr. 2 more points for this burn.

Emily: You can tell Matt is really conflicted here, because while Jessenia definitely seems like the sane person here who is actually telling the truth, he would rather sleep with MJ. Ultimately, though, Matt does the right thing and tells MJ he can’t give her the rose and offers to walk her out.

Susan: Jessenia cries in an ITM (2 points) because she feels validated that Matt believed her. We don’t actually see her get the rose from him, but when she rejoins the other contestants, she is carrying it, so that’s 10 points.

Emily: So yes, the other girls are here, and they’re so excited to finally get to talk to Matt now that all of the drama is out of the way. Well, guess what, girls? Chris Harrison shows up to tell everyone that Matt has made up his mind and there will be no cocktail party. They’re going straight into the rose ceremony.

All hell breaks loose. Pieper cries (2 points). Katie cries (2 points). Katie says in an ITM, “I feel weak a lot here. I need to know that everything I’m going through here is worth it.” I feel like these poor women must be really deprived of sleep at this point, because they are truly reacting in the biggest way. Serena C responds with anger. She blames Katie for this whole thing because 2 weeks ago, Katie said that girls were being mean to each other in the house. So clearly this is all Katie’s fault.

Susan: Poor sweet Ryan is crying (2 points) because she’s afraid she’ll leave without getting to talk to him. Michelle comforts her by taking her outside to scream. 2 friendship points for Michelle.

Susan: As a reminder (because nonlinear episodes are the name of the game now), Rachael, Kit, Abigail and Jessenia already have roses. Matt apologizes for canceling the cocktail party and says, “If you don’t get a rose tonight, that’s just me following my heart.” LOL, ok cool.

Emily: So the roses go to Serena P, Michelle, Pieper, Bri, Chelsea, Katie, and Serena C. Ryan, Magi, and Brittany are going home. I feel really bad for Ryan and Brittany, because it’s like just as soon as the mean girls got kicked out for bullying them, they have to go home too. Reminder too that just last week, Matt told Brittany that he saw a potential future with her. LIES.

Susan: The next day, the women are sitting on the sofa stressing out about TIME. No one has enough of it. Everyone wants it. Pieper gets it. The first date card is hers (20 points), and it reads “Tonight will be worth the wait.”

Emily: Serena C decides that now that all the mean girls are gone, someone has to take up the mantle, so she picks up Victoria’s metaphorical tiara and marches over to Katie to give her a piece of her mind. Serena’s like, “Basically I’m just super frustrated of time being taken away because of your antics… I don’t truly think you’re here for Matt.” Katie is very confused, and she tells Serena C that she truly thought she was coming over to apologize after the way she blew up at her the night before. But no, that’s not what Serena C wants. 2 points to Serena C and 2 points to Katie for the BS drama.

Susan: Serena C pulls another classic mean girl move and immediately starts gossiping about Katie. Katie walks in on the conversation and says “You don’t have to whisper.” Serena says she’s just telling the crew what Katie told her, which is that Katie’s main focus isn’t Matt. Katie says, “That’s what I told you? I obviously said nothing like that.” Reader, she said nothing like that.

Emily: Since we need more fabricated drama, guess what? ABC is providing. Heather Martin from Colton’s season is here and she just has to meet Matt James because Hannah (HER BEST FRIEND) told her that they would be perfect together. So of course because every white woman on earth think she’s the exception to the rule, she’s here halfway through the season in the middle of a quarantine to, idk, profess her vague interest in this dude she’s never met. It’s all very dumb.

Susan: I can’t even watch this “totally unscripted” bad attempt at a skit that Heather, the security guard, and Chris are doing. Turn your church youth group van around and go, Heather.

Emily: I will say that ABC is not giving Heather a very flattering edit here either. We’re definitely supposed to think this is dumb. Which is easy, because it is. But anyway, on to Pieper date. Matt starts this date by doing a classic bait-and-switch with Pieper. He starts by taking her out in the middle of the woods in a move that makes it seem like the date might end in her digging her own grave and getting buried alive. No? No one else’s brain went there? Am I watching too much true crime?

Anyway, now for the switch. The literal switch. There’s a giant switch in the middle of the forest, and ta-da! A bunch of lights come on and there’s a romantic carnival! Matt James isn’t a serial killer after all!

Ok but he does have serial killer eyes though

Susan: Can we take a moment and remember the low-rent carnival made entirely of cardboard that Tayshia and Brendan had to endure? Anyway, Pieper and Matt make out a lot for 2 points. Matt reiterates the one quality we’ve heard him say he wants in a partner: FUN.

Emily: Yeah, apparently Matt has a hard time having fun with people. Which actually doesn’t surprise me because he is the most boring man in the world.

Susan: The group date card arrives, and for some reason, Serena C thinks there’s a real possibility she could get the 1-on-1. Alas, the card is for Bri, Kit, Rachael, Michelle, Jessenia, Serena P, Abigail, Chelsea and Serena C. “This lane leads to love.”

Emily: This means Katie is getting the 1-on-1 (20 points), which is probably Serena C’s worst nightmare. Serena C says she’s worried she’s never going to get a 1-on-1 date. It seems likely that her biggest worry will come true, because I don’t feel like Serena C will be on this show much longer. Back to Pieper’s 1-on-1?

Susan: At dinner, Pieper talks about how her parents don’t communicate their emotions verbally, but she wishes they did. She has trouble expressing her emotions with words too, but wants it to be different in her romantic relationships. She cries a little when talking about her mom for 2 points. I guess 5 points for this because anything counts as a sob story if you shed a tear. Proud of you, Pieper.

Emily: This was pretty weak, as far as sob stories go, but okay, Pieper. She gets the rose (obviously) (10 points), and then she tells Matt that she’s falling in love with him (10 points), and THEN she gets a private concert from yet another country band I’ve never heard of and I REFUSE to look up their names because they don’t deserve the extra publicity. But Pieper deserves 5 points for having to endure this B.S. private concert. She probably doesn’t even like country music. I’m still confused about who these people are who listen to country music.

Susan: The group date is bowling, which starts out fun and quickly turns stressful when it becomes a competition for who gets to spend time with Matt that evening. The losing team has to walk home in the rain, according to Chris. Eventually, the Pink team (Michelle, Serena P, Jessenia, and Chelsea) beats the Blue team (Abigail, Rachael, Serena C, Bri, and Kit) when Abigail throws a gutter ball in the final round. The Pink Petals pop champagne and dance around while the blue team sits by and watches them.

Emily: Back at the hotel, Katie and Pieper are just minding their business when half of the group date comes storming in. And they are emosh. Serena C is crying (2 points). Abigail is crying (2 points). Abigail says, “How am I supposed to take this seriously when I can’t even get time?” I really do get why Abigail is super frustrated. It must feel really confusing to get the first impression rose and then subsequently be ignored for the rest of the season. But the anguish is short lived. Chris Harrison shows up with a special date card, inviting the girls all back for the cocktail party.

Susan: This is not a great move, in my opinion. Of the people on the winning team, two of them haven’t had a 1-on-1 (or much time at all, from what we can tell), and a small cocktail date with only four people feels earned. And yet, Matt wanted to hang out with someone on the losing team and invited them all. (Let’s be serious—we know this is what happened.)

Emily: Right. Rachael was on the losing team.

Susan: The ladies rack up some quick points. Michelle makes out with Matt for 2 points. Serena P says she’s falling for him (10 points), and they kiss for 2 more. Matt tells Chelsea she’s here because he can see himself with her, and they kiss for 2. And the group date rose goes to...Michelle (10 points).

Emily: Meanwhile, Heather is in her hotel room “quarantining.” Apparently spending two days alone in a hotel room is enough to make her go bananas. She dances around and plays with a pizza box, and I think we’re supposed to find this quirky or something? I have no idea what’s going on.

Susan: If this show makes me watch one more clip of Heather and her too-dark eyebrows in quarantine, I’m gonna scream. Anyway, Tyler C. is here because he is the only thing we have to connect Matt James to the world of this show, and we need an anchor right now.

Emily: Matt and Tyler snuggle a bit, and Matt tells Tyler about Katie. Of course, he mentions the vibrator, which he describes as “cactus-sized.” And I have questions, because cacti come in all different sizes. I believe what Matt really meant to say here was “cactus-shaped,” and if so, I still have questions. Namely, Matt, do you know anything about pleasuring a person with a vagina? Because most vibrators have an inside part and an outside part, which, you know, can kind of make the shape look sort of cactus-like, I guess? Anyway, that question about Matt and whether or not he knows how to pleasure a woman was clearly rhetorical, because I think we all know the answer to that is no.

Matt tells Tyler that Katie is unapologetically herself and that’s what he likes about her. This is code for “Katie has a personality, and I don’t know what that’s like, so I’m very impressed but also intimidated.”

Susan: Matt says, “I’ve seen this process work for Tyler.” Really though? Have you? If by “work,” you mean that Tyler got famous and banged a supermodel, then yeah, it worked.

Emily: Finally, Katie shows up, because Matt is obligated to have a date with one of the women and not just Tyler. She does a beautiful run and jump for 5 points. Excellent work, Katie. Just phenomenal. She’s very excited to see Matt, and seems super pumped that they’re in a spa. But SURPRISE! The massage isn’t going to be for her. It’s going to be for Tyler. WTF.

Susan: Matt says he is a “very adventurous person,” which tells us that Matt views this weird prank as an adventure. Tyler is going to get a massage from a hired actor, and Matt and Katie are going to tell the actor to do weird shit to him. Hilarious amirite?

Emily: A lot of this was a little iffy on the consent part. They make the actor tweak his nipples and massage his butt and other such hilarity. If Tyler C wasn’t secretly in on this, then it’s problematic. But I get the sense he was in on it. Matt James says, “Having Katie right beside me torturing my best friend was incredible.” He also says, “Katie continues to blow me away, but I need to see what the romance side is with Katie.” You can tell he’s trying really hard to see that romance side with her, right? Considering the date he picked for her?

Susan: I did not enjoy this. It was boring. Anyway, before dinner, Katie makes an all-star move and does a SECOND run-and-jump for 5 more points! At dinner, Katie tells Matt that she wasn’t being herself in previous relationships, but now she knows herself and is committed to this process and to Matt.

Emily: At this point, Matt James picks up the rose, which is so rude. He tells her, “The truth is my relationship with some of the other women in the house has progressed further, and I can’t give you this rose tonight.” Then he makes a big show of reaching across the table to put the rose back down. Like, can you not? On her way out, Katie tells Matt, “There are some great women still in the house, so I hope you find everything you’ve been looking for and everything you deserve.”

Susan: I know Katie is sad and probably did not see that coming, but let’s be real: Katie is way too cool for Matt. Matt used the word “cactus” to describe a vibrator a few hours ago. Katie for Bachelorette.

Emily: Yes, we want Katie to be announced as Bachelorette, like, now. Anyway, on to the girls we have left. We’ve got everyone gathering for the cocktail party, which makes it almost seem like we might get a rose ceremony at the end of the episode? Think again.

Susan: We know shit’s about to go down because we get multiple audio bites of women talking about what a good mood Matt is in and how much fun they’re about to have and how they’re all gonna relax and get time finally. Abigail and Bri both kiss Matt, so they both get 2 points, but then…

Emily: Heather shows up in a white dress that is… really something else. Very bridal. She’s ready to marry Matt tonight. Matt is talking to Pieper when Heather waltzes in to interrupt them. Matt does his uncomfortable laugh for a solid two minutes and then gets rid of Pieper so he can speak with Heather. Pieper is not so pleased. But also… Pieper has a rose already? So why weren’t the other women annoyed Pieper was taking up so much of his time at a cocktail party anyway? I just feel like on another season, this would have become a big dramatic issue, but since Heather popped in, the storyline went in a different direction.

Anyway, what will happen with Heather? Answer: she’s going to go home. But we’ll find out next week!