The Bachelorette is back for a new season, and although Susan and Emily backed out of recapping the end of the last season of The Bachelor, we’re cautiously optimistic. Chris Harrison is gone, we’ve got two of our favorite Bachelorettes of all time (Tayshia and Kaitlyn) hosting, and we’ve finally got a CAT LADY as the Bachelorette. We Stan.

The only disappointment so far? Some how Bao, who was an early fan favorite when the cast was initially announced, didn’t make it to the final cast list. Frankly, this is appalling and we here at Book Squad Goals (or at least Emily) find it a little hard to get excited about any of these other dudes now that Bao is out of the picture. For real, Bao for Bachelor.

But anyway. We’re going to try to get excited about this cast anyway. Here we are doing our best.

Aaron - 26, Insurance Agent, San Diego, CA

Kelli: I am conflicted about Aaron. The fact that he sells insurance automatically makes me suspicious of him, but then he says his favorite holiday is Halloween because he loves when things get spooky, which is extremely endearing. And he’s cute, so… the verdict is still out on this one.

Susan: Look, I’m afraid of some dumb stuff too, but at least those things are all things that either could happen to me or things I might actually encounter. Tell me when Aaron will cross paths with a saber-tooth tiger.

Emily: I have a friend who sells insurance, so I’m going to give him a pass on that. He’s a fellow procrastinator, and we love to see that kind of rep on tv. So many go-getters out there and not enough talk about those of us who are going to go get, but like… later.

Andrew M - 31, Deputy District Attorney, Newport Beach, CA

Kelli: This 31 year old man “loves to play pranks.” The energy is insufferable.

Susan: He also “Tebowed” on stage at graduation, which is something I want no part of. However, I find it incredibly wholesome that he loves to sample fragrances from magazines.

Emily: I’m currently rewatching The O.C. so all I can think of when I see “Newport Beach” is this Phantom Planet song. Anyway, I don’t even know what it means to “Tebow” on stage, and I don’t wanna know.

Andrew S - 26, Pro Football Player, Vienna, Austria

Kelli: Andrew seems like he genuinely has interests and passions, so that is cool, and I love that he lives half the year in Austria, because who wouldn’t want to do that? However, I’m always a little annoyed when a man says he “wants five kids.” Like, we all know you’re probably going to be doing less than half of the work there, especially if you’re a pro football player who travels for work, so… maybe start with two or three and see how that goes?

Susan: I say it every season, but the strategy should definitely be to choose a guy who would make it possible for you to live in Europe.

Emily: My husband proposed to me in Vienna, so I’m a little biased here. I want the dude who can take me to Vienna.

Austin - 25, Real Estate Investor, Mission Viejo, CA

Kelli: If we have space for three fun facts and one of yours is “doesn’t have any tattoos but would like to get one,” we have a problem.

Susan: He’ll never get one.

Emily: He’s searching for the Beyoncé to his Jay-Z. So he’s looking for a woman who is way out of his league who he will then cheat on anyway? Ok.

Brandon - 26, Auto Parts Manager, Queens, NY

Kelli: I could not be less surprised, based on looking at him, that this man enjoys “hitting the open road on a motorcycle.” It seems like he is smart and has a lot of fairly unique interests, which is cool, but the use of the word “quirky” in this profile could go either way. We either have a sexy chill biker or a raging narcissist biker on our hands. Can’t wait to find out which it is!

Susan: This sentence gives me pause: “He attended Northwestern University where he says he learned to outgrow behaviors that limit his progress as a person.” What exactly does that mean?! I low key like that he occasionally goes to a rave though.

Emily: I didn’t know there were still raves in 2021. Did he time travel from 2001? The hair certainly suggests that.

Brenden - 26, Firefighter Trainee, Toronto, Ontario, Canada

Kelli: Listen. We love a Canadian, and we love a firefighter. But Brenden doesn’t like vegetables, and he also does his hair like that. So it’s gonna be a no for me.

Susan: He had me at Canadian and lost me at “hopes to take the love of his life swimming with sharks.” Take me on a safe picnic, please.

Emily: Look, ok, I would totally go swimming with sharks. But I can’t date a dude who doesn’t fuck with vegetables, so unfortunately it would never work out for us, sharks or no sharks. Anyway, I’m so glad I’m not a guy because all of these guys have dumb hair. And the more I think about it, most guys have dumb hair. Hate it for them.

Christian - 26, Real Estate Agent, Boston, MA

Kelli: Great, another person who hopes to emulate his parents’ relationship. Healthy! Also, we are only at the letter C and this is already the second real estate agent. This does not bode well.

Emily: Ahem. That other dude was a real estate INVESTOR.

Kelli: wat

Susan: Christian is deeply, deeply not my type. And what is it about real estate agents on this show that makes me automatically distrust them?

Emily: Christian loves parades and wants to drive the Batmobile. So maybe he’s actually 6.

Cody - 27, Zipper Sales Manager, San Diego, CA

Kelli: I know Zipper is probably some kind of company or something but I really just want this guy to work at like, a zipper factory. That would be too interesting for him, though.

Susan: I imagine he unzips his jacket and opens it to reveal a whole panel of various zippers in all sizes and colors. When he closes a sale, he zips it back up, but like, real fast.

Emily: Oh I really did think he just sold zippers. If Cody could live in any other time period, he would be a cowboy in the wild wild west. And he’s a proud eagle scout, so I’m sensing toxic masculinity.

Connor B - 29, Math Teacher, Nashville, TN

Kelli: Connor seems sweet! I have a lot of respect for teachers, and I also love that he says he can’t stand it when people are mean to waiters, because same. I feel like he could be a good fit for Katie.

Susan: Connor B. claims he can eat cereal faster than anyone. I have to ask: why? (But also, cereal is one of my favorite meals so, like, I get it?)

Emily: I love that Connor spends a lot of time talking about food and that he’s a teacher. He seems like good people.

Conor C - 28, Former Baseball Player, Costa Mesa, CA

Kelli: This guy says his religion is super important to him and he wants to raise his family in the church. I don’t actually know what Katie’s religious beliefs are, but I am not sure that this is the vibe she’s seeking. Maybe I’m just projecting, though, because this is basically the exact opposite of the vibe that I seek.

Susan: I really don’t like the spelling of his name, but that’s not his fault. He’s probably a nice dude, but he seems way too vanilla for Katie.

Emily: I don’t think Conor is a nice dude. He’s giving me cult leader vibes, and he’s bragging about having the same birthday as Matthew McConaughey, which is just… not it.

David - 27, Technical Product Specialist, Nashville, TN

Kelli: David is hot, and we love a native New Yorker. Also, he is wearing one of the least embarrassing outfits in this crop of men. I like him.

Susan: Heyyy, David. He sounds like he would match well with someone like Katie, and I would like to watch them make out on my television, please and thank you.

Emily: David is hot af and I love that he’s a first generation American and that his parents are from Jamaica. This seems like an interesting story. I’m basically down with all of his fun facts. Loves pizza? Check. Debate team? We love a man who backs up his arguments with reliable sources. ‘N Sync is his favorite boy band, which suggests he enjoys enough boy bands to have a favorite. Also a big yes for me.

Gabriel - 35, Entrepreneur, Charlotte, NC

Kelli: Who is this bizarro Ferris Bueller and why can’t he just let us have our athleisure? I want to like him because he’s one of the older guys, but god does he seem like a buzzkill.

Susan: I normally like a sensitive, creative type, but the direct quote "people should respect elegant styles of the past" has MAGA-lite energy.

Emily: I’m sensing a Bennett redux here. This guy sucks.

Garrett - 29, Software Marketing Manager, Salinas, CA

Kelli: Historically, the name Garrett has been linked to some problematic characters on this show. This Garrett seems fine, and he’s a ginger, which is rare… but we’ll see. Garretts: they can’t be trusted.

Susan: Great point, Kelli. Let’s hope this guy redeems the Garrett name because he seems much less problematic than those other ones so far. Can I pet your dog, Garrett?

Emily: I don’t know. I think we should just ban Garretts from the franchise forever. I love that he’s ginger, but he sounds boring as hell. I also can’t get behind the steakhouse date. Gross.

Greg - 27, Marketing Sales Representative, Edison, NJ

Kelli: Oh god, SIX kids? Grow up, Greg.

Susan: At least six. Imagine a guy saying that to you on your first date. I bet he cries a lot this season because his bio mentions vulnerability and crying during movies. They’re setting us up for some tears.

Emily: I also cry at movies (okay also I cried watching Are You the One? last night), and I love that he wants to do something active on a first date (no swimming with sharks?), but yeah 6 kids is a DEAL BREAKER.

Hunter - 34, Software Strategist, Houston, TX

Kelli: Hunter has two kids, which might seem like something that would make a man more mature or appealing, but we all saw what happened with Yosef last season. Otherwise, I know nothing about him from this profile other than the fact that he has “never ridden a horse.” Really scraping the bottom of the barrel in the fun facts department, ABC.

Susan: Ok, also, he kind of looks like Yosef, doesn't he?! His insistence on writing love letters might give us one of our favorite things: terrible poetry read to the lead over an awkward candlelight dinner. We can only hope.

Emily: I really want to see one of his mix tapes so we can judge his music tastes. This bio is giving us nothing to go on.

Jeff - 31, Surgical Skin Salesman, Jersey City, NJ

Kelli: I am extremely interested to see what happens with this man, who seems to be 50% cast member of the Sopranos and 50% Hannibal Lecter. He calls himself an exceptional lover, which definitely means he is an average lover at best.

Susan: Hey, is he Italian? His bio only mentioned it three times, so I’m not sure. And I know he doesn’t literally sell skin, but could they have made his job title sound any more hilarious?

Emily: Maybe this is a cover up and he actually does work for the CIA. But I do love that he’s an animal lover.

John - 27, Bartender, Pacific Beach, CA

Kelli: John actually likes jumping out of planes, which means he probably will not be jumping out of a plane on this season of the Bachelorette. Plus one point for being a vegetarian, minus one point for loving a woman who is “confident in her natural beauty,” because it makes me think he’s one of those guys who’s like “I hate it when women wear makeup” but actually doesn’t realize that the “natural look” he finds attractive is also, in fact, makeup.

Susan: He definitely signed up for this show hoping to jump out of a plane. I saw an IG clip of Katie and John meeting, and she said “Yeah, that’s my type,” so I think he’ll stick around for a while.

Emily: A lot of these guys are probably hotter than they look in their bio pics, and I think John has the potential to be one of those. I don’t know.

Josh - 25, IT Consultant, Miami, FL

Kelli: Is this the most boring bio yet? HE SLEEPS ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE BED? Come on, guys.

Susan: Kelli, he’s 25. What can we really expect from him? Also, I hate when people say they “love hard.”

Emily: Josh wants to visit Asia one day. The whole continent.

Justin - 26, Investment Sales Consultant, Baltimore, MD

Kelli: I love him. He’s a painter, he loves Basquiat, he hates dancing, and he’s hot. Sounds like my ideal type. I can almost ignore the “30 year parent marriage” section. Almost.

Susan: I’m partial to a handsome man named Justin, so I’m gonna root for this guy and his love of barbeque and sauvignon blanc.

Emily: I know y’all like this dude, but I don’t trust him at all. Plus, I can’t deal with people who don’t dance. There are too many of those people in my life. Dance is something that brings me a lot of joy, so I just see “hates dancing” as “hates joy.”

Kelli: You heard it here first, folks. I hate joy.

Karl - 34, Motivational Speaker, Miami, FL

Kelli: Karl is a motivational speaker and apparently writes poems, so I’m prepared for him to turn the cringe up to eleven.

Susan: His pose in this photo is “tell me you’re a motivational speaker without telling me you’re a motivational speaker.”

Emily: I saw some clips of Karl in the preview that made it seem like he may be hotter than this picture suggests. My favorite holiday is also New Year’s… but mine is New Year’s Eve. To me, New Year’s Eve is about fresh starts. New Year’s Day is about hangovers.

Kyle - 26, Technical Recruiter, Fort Lauderdale, FL

Kelli: Again: this profile tells me absolutely nothing about Kyle. All Iknow is that he wants a relationship, which like, duh? That’s the point of the show, Kyle.

Susan: Kyle is cute, but unfortunately, he is also intensely boring.

Emily: Why would you want to fly when you can teleport? I really don’t get people who don’t pick teleportation as their superpower.

Landon - 25, Basketball Coach, Dallas, TX

Kelli: “Landon is a proud and loyal Belieber.” Honestly? You have to admire it.

Emily: I love that.

Susan: This man seems a little child-like for Katie (or any woman over 27), but I am into his love of games, so I’m prepared to be wrong about him.

Emily: He does love games, but these are some really basic ass games. I’m hoping he doesn’t declare himself a nerd just cause he plays Catan.

Marcus - 30, Real Estate Agent, Portland, OR

Kelli: I think Marcus is super cute, which only partially makes up for the fact that he’s a real estate agent and describes himself as an amazing lover.

Susan: Pros: handsome, 30, loves board games, loves motivated women. Cons: real estate agent, another self-proclaimed “amazing” lover.

Emily: He is cute. He’s also into basic board games. This whole bio is boring.

Marty - 25, Dancer, Reno, NV

Kelli: Ah yes, Marty, the man with the most controversial of all fun facts: he prefers to watch movies indoors. I can only imagine that this is going to stir up a lot of drama at the resort.

Susan: The focus on his body makes me think “dancer” definitely means stripper, so I can only hope he uses this upon his limo exit because it’s clearly the most interesting thing about this wild, indoor-movie-watching man.

Emily: Marty loves horseback riding. He needs to meet up with that dude who has never ridden a horse.

Michael - 36, Business Owner, Akron, OH

Kelli: Based on what he wants in a partner, it seems like Katie would be a perfect fit for Michael, but I don’t know how Katie feels about being a mom. It’s sweet that he seems super passionate about being a single dad, but again, I am forever scarred by Yosef.

Susan: Nothing in this bio upset me at all. I think he could actually be a decent match for Katie. Love that he said he “makes a mean plate of Dino Nuggies.” That is how you do a fun fact.

Emily: i have no feelings about this bio whatsoever. I know it’s cute that he says he makes a mean plate of dino nuggies but like, don’t you just throw them in the microwave? How is this a fun fact? This is just the 1,000th way he reminds me in this bio that he’s a dad. We get it. What else?

Kelli: The word “nuggies” is doing some heavy lifting here.

Mike - 31, Gym Owner, San Diego, CA

Kelli: “Mike does not like dessert.” Literally bye.

Susan: A dessert-hating gym owner? Swipe left.

Emily: Yeah, fuck this guy.

Quartney - 26, Nutrition Entrepreneur, Dallas, TX

Kelli: The job title “nutrition entrepreneur” screams MLM. Also, it’s concerning to me when someone says the NUMBER ONE thing they’re looking for in a partner is someone who will be a good mom to their imaginary children.

Susan: Yeah, he definitely sells Herbalife. Later days, Quartney.

Emily: He could also be selling Arbonne. I hate his name.

Thomas - 28, Real Estate Broker, Poway, CA

Kelli: His love language is food, which is a pretty good love language to have. Otherwise, I am bored by this profile.

Susan: He’s cute. Do we trust real estate brokers more than real estate agents? Only time will tell.

Emily: Hey… psst… what’s the difference between a broker and an agent? Asking as a millennial who will never own a home.

Tre - 26, Software Engineer, Covington, GA

Kelli: Aw, brunch and book club! He seems sweet, but we have another person who wants “as many kids as possible.” I mean, at least it’s not a firm number…

Susan: At least he acknowledges that children are expensive and you maybe shouldn’t just have a ton without considering that fact. His interesting facts are significantly better than most of the other men’s. (Also fearing piranhas doesn't seem irrational. They’re fucking demon fish.)

Emily: I like this guy, partially because he’s from Georgia, and partially because he loves book clubs and brunch. I hope he sticks around.

Box - ??????, ??, Box, ????, ??

Kelli: What in the Overly-Produced Gimmick Hell is this?

Susan: I can tell you who it isn’t: Katie’s future husband.

Emily: Unless it’s Bao in that box, I don’t want to fucking hear about it. I’m going to be bitter all season. #JUSTICEFORBAO #BAOFORBACHELOR

Kelli: #BAOBOX

We can’t wait to see what happens this season! Oh, and if you’re one of those people who’s like, “I’m not watching if Chris Harrison isn’t on the show,” kindly miss us with that shit. We beg one person to tell us what Chris Harrison actually brings to the show. He’s an a relic from an era of the show that needs to be by-gone. If this show doesn’t learn to move forward, then we’re not interested.