Emily: It all comes down to this, Bach Nash (that’s short for nation). A two-part finale in which we finally find out if Hannah Bama got that fierce love she’s been looking for since Colton’s season. Don’t worry. I came prepared with enough wine to get me through two live episodes. So let’s get into this.

Susan: I made the mistake of not having any wine on hand. I truly regret it.

Emily: I can’t believe this rose ceremony is STILL GOING ON. People, you do realize this rose ceremony has been going on for three weeks, right? We’ve had to look at this atrocious dress Hannah is wearing for THREE WEEKS. Honestly, I was almost expecting them to drag it on for one more night. But no, we’ll finally find out who goes home tonight. Jed gets the first rose, which means Hannah is delusional.

Susan: I still think that dress looks good on her. But probably only on her. When Jed got the first rose, I got scared for Ty Ty for a second. Because we know at this point she had sex with Peter (more to come on that later!) and not with Tyler.

Emily: I know I said Peter would probably go home, but this is still shocking. He will now forever be known as the windmill slut, and I hope he’s okay with that. Feminism corner: as a man, this will probably work out great for him, but if it had been the other way around, and a man had dumped a woman after bragging about sleeping with her (or, as Hannah herself put it, fucking), this would be a whole different story.

Susan: The important thing is: Jesus still loves them. Long live the windmill.

Emily: Peter is crying, and I will take my 2 points, thank you. In his exit interview, Peter says, “I’m not mad at Hannah. I’m really not. It hurts like a bitch right now. I’ll never forget this journey, how beautiful it was, in so many ways… I swear I don’t regret anything. I know I have a ton of love to give, and I thought it was Hannah. I truly did.” And I’m a little mad because this sounds like a Bachelor audition. I’m going to need Peter to sit down because if Mike isn’t the Bachelor, I will actually rage.

Susan: This was very Bachelor audition. If it isn’t Mike, it will probably be Peter. But I am here to remind you all that we’ve already had a pilot as Bachelor. That man was Jake Pavelka and the season was subtitled “On the Wings of Love.” Do we really want to do that again? Do we?

Emily: Cut to the live studio. Peter’s perfect family is in the audience, reminding us of what we really lost in this breakup. Peter’s mom is crying, and I can’t take this. I know this isn’t even my fault, but I really don’t want to disappoint Peter’s family. America should take better care of them.

Susan: I just really want Peter’s family to be proud of us. The bringing the family thing has really become more popular in recent years. But you know whose family I really want to see later? Jed’s.

Emily: Chris Harrison asks if Peter is still in love with Hannah, and he’s like, “Well, I am appropriately still in love with Hannnah, but I’ll be over it by the time Bachelor filming happens, if you know what I’m saying.” We do.

Susan: Peter says he knew he loved Hannah in Latvia, but he was waiting for the right time to say it. Which, as we know, is not the right move in Hannah’s book. Luke said it Week 2 and that alone got him to fantasy suite week.

Emily: Peter asks Hannah, “When did you know it wasn’t us?” Hannah says she wishes she had known sooner how he felt because she was scared, and she felt Peter was scared to love her. That he was “apprehensive about sharing [his] feelings.” She says, “If anything, I wish I would have known a little bit sooner how you felt.” Again, this speaks to Hannah’s insecurity during this whole process. She needed men who made bold statements and made her feel wanted. And apparently throwing someone down on a pool table isn’t bold enough.

Susan: In her defense, it was kind of a clumsy throw-down. It was very Ross and Phoebe from that flashback episode where they talk about who almost had sex. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, I’ll be sad.

Emily: Peter’s like, “Why did you call our relationship a slow burn? We got so many horizontal make out points throughout the season in the #BookSquadGoals recaps.” Hannah agrees, and calls their relationship “passionate.” In the audience, Peter’s mom is clapping, and this feels like an inappropriate time to applaud your son but what do I know.

Susan: Then Hannah says she was dishonest about something. She lets us know that while she previously indicated that she and Peter had sex twice, “It was actually...four times.” And the crowd goes wild.

Emily: 10 points total for the 2 extra confirmed sexy times. Peter’s parents are so proud, and you know what? I’ve changed my mind. We stan a sex positive family.

Susan: I have some questions about the quadruple bang, mostly regarding the length of time of each individual session, but I will move on. Well done, everyone. Now it’s time for the final two, one of whom is somehow Jed, to meet Hannah’s family. Her parents are very on-brand for Alabama, and I don’t mean that in a negative way at all, just to be clear.

Emily: Tyler’s first to meet Hannah’s family. Tyler speaks in a lot of platitudes. Just check out this clip from Nick Viall’s show “Is This A Quote From Tyler or The Notebook?” And yet when he says it I believe him.

Susan: One thing I appreciate about Tyler’s family meeting is that he talks about Hannah and what he loves about her and what he wants with her. He tells Hannah’s mom he loves Hannah and wants to marry her and be her biggest cheerleader. He tells Hannah’s dad he wants Hannah to be the mother of his children. They both love him.

Emily: Hannah seems to be holding back with Tyler because he’s so hot and she doesn’t trust that a dude that hot would like her. She says, “Tyler has a piece of my heart, and I never thought I’d be this excited about Tyler.” After their meet and greet with the parents, Hannah takes him aside to tell him that she is falling in love with him, so that’s 10 points for Tyler. I ship it HANNAH PLEASE PICK HIM. I’m still screaming this even though I know the outcome.

Susan: This reminded me a little of Desiree’s season when she realized she was really into Chris on like, the very last day. I feel like even without the girlfriend stuff, 100% of people want Hannah to pick Tyler at this point.

Emily: Now it’s Jed’s turn. It’s clear Hannah always thought she would pick Jed but is now thinking she should pick Tyler. Hannah’s mom is like sorry Tyler is the winner I don’t even need to meet this other dude.

Susan: Hannah is not good at picking up on red flags, as we have seen. And yeah, you’re ultimately the only one who can pick your partner, but if everyone who knows you is like “I love this one and I’m very concerned about this other one,” maybe look at why they’re saying it.

Emily: When Jed says, “I’m a musician and a songwriter,” immediately Hannah’s mom’s face falls. This is such a mood. I cannot deal with how much I relate to this reaction. Meanwhile, Hannah’s dad wants to know how Jed is going to provide for her because apparently Hannah can’t have her own job. Jed says he signed a deal with a dog food company and Hannah’s dad is not impressed. If you’re ready to be even less impressed, here’s the jingle in question.

Susan: As a person who has worked in advertising and who once wrote copy for a pet food company, (though not song lyrics), and also as a person with ears, I feel confident in saying this is garbage.

Emily: While I hate Jed with every fiber of my being, I do appreciate that Hannah sticks up for herself and tells her dad, “I am going to provide for my own fucking family.” Like, come on, Hannah’s dad, do you not know how this show works? Hannah’s set with sponsored content on social media for the foreseeable future.

Susan: I’m glad she said that too. I didn’t love the phrasing of her dad’s questions, but I do think he was honestly trying to feel out if Jed has a realistic idea of finances in his current position and understands how that can affect his family and marriage. I’d be concerned too if I was a parent and my child’s future spouse said, and I quote, “I just wanna have as many facets of income and backup plans as I can.”

Emily: After meeting Jed, Hannah’s mom’s opinion hasn’t changed. She’s like, sorry Tyler is still better. Hard agree.

Susan: Her mom literally says, “He has qualities.” Which I only barely agree with.

Emily: Hannah straight up tells Jed that yesterday went really well with Tyler. Jed says, “you know I believe in you,” and I’m not sure how that’s relevant right now.

Susan: He keeps saying things like “We know what we have” and we’re all like WHAT IS IT?! TELL US.

Emily: The shitty thing about all of this is that, as a seasoned Bachelor(ette) viewer, I know what a bad meeting with the parents means. Usually the contestant who has the worst meet up with the parents goes on to win. So at this point I’m more annoyed than anything else.

Susan: My thoughts exactly. Remember JoJo and Jordan vs. Robby? Kaitlyn and Nick vs. Shawn?

Emily: At this point in the episode, Chris Harrison announces a new podcast called The Bachelor Happy Hour with Rachel and Ali and I’m like TAKE MY MONEY jk it’s free.

Susan: Sign me up. Both of them made my list of favorite Bachelorettes, so I’m very in. Now it’s time for Tyler’s “last chance” date, and in a semi-cruel move, someone made this made ride a horse again. He’s so tall that the horse actually looks tiny underneath him. The scenery, I must note, is absolutely stunning.

Emily: Later in the date, Tyler initiates a conversation about what they’re going to do after this. He says he knows they’re going to be kickass in their marriage. He calls their unborn child “Little Timmy” which is kind of horrifying, but Hannah is into it. Then there’s some last ditch effort horizontal making out, so thank you I will take those 5 points. Hannah says, “I don’t want him to let go of me. I can see being in his arms forever.” And yet…

Susan: And yet. It’s Jed’s turn. They get on a boat, and I have to mention another Bachelor(ette) truism: the person who gets the boat date always wins. If you go on this show, reader, you want to be thoroughly unimpressive with the parents and pray your date card says something about sailing off into the sunset.

Emily: I didn’t take many notes on Jed’s date, because of a couple of reasons: 1) at this point, I had polished off a lot of wine, and 2) I’m just so over Jed I cannot even. This date is disastrous. Hannah is seasick. Jed takes off his shirt and it’s the opposite of hot. Like, I’ve never hated seeing a man shirtless more in my life. I’m getting seasick too.

Susan: Jed talks about “treacherous seas” and we all know this is a relationship metaphor because even he knows this shit gon’ blow up in his face.

Emily: At the beginning of NIGHT TWO, Chris Harrison tells us that we’re about to see a proposal that, in retrospect, will seem cringe-worthy. Wow, thanks for spoiling that it’s Jed right now. The Bachelorette is just leaning in to the fact that 80% of their audience has been spoiled already.

Susan: If I didn’t know it was Jed, I would at this point. Because out of Tyler and Jed, who is more likely to orchestrate a cringe-worthy proposal?

Emily: Hannah says, “I don’t need a man in my life, but I want one to experience life with me.” I’ve never been so proud of a Bachelorette’s growth before. Hannah is really killing it this season.

Susan: I loved her ITM about figuring out who she is. I remember having a similar experience and feeling around the same age, and it really is awesome. Go, Hannah!

Emily: Jed picking out rings is the most annoying shit ever since the last annoying thing I had to watch Jed do. Jed is talking some shit about how the ring represents his love for her because it’s constant or some shit. I hate him.

Susan: Also, how the hell is an OVAL constant? Maybe you can make that weak argument about round brilliant cut, but not an oval, my man. The most disappointing part of this is that Tyler actually picks out one of the ugliest rings I’ve ever seen in my life. It’s got an actual double halo. It looks like a big-ass dinner plate and I hate it so much. (That said I’d rather wear a moldy piece of twine on my finger than accept a ring from Jed.)

Susan: On the way to the proposal site, Hannah freaks out and says, ‘I can’t do this.” They stop the car and she walks away down a hilly street in very high heels and does exactly what I would do: takes a big spill.

Emily: Of course Tyler is the first dude to walk out of the limo. Hannah is visibly sad when she approaches him, but he proceeds with his proposal speech nonetheless.

Susan: He looks so happy and I honestly believe every word he’s saying to her. He says he’s known the man he wants to be but didn’t know how he would get there, and now he knows he needed her. She stops him, and the look on his face breaks my damn heart.

Emily: Hannah tells him, “I am so lucky to be loved by you. And I feel that. You have supported me. You have been so sweet and strong for me. And done everything that I’ve asked and more. And loved me so much. And my life with you would be amazing. And when I told you that I was falling in love with you I meant it. But I love someone else. I’m so sorry.” She was speaking so slowly that I didn’t even have to pause the episode to transcribe this. Thanks for that, Hannah.

Susan: Tyler says, “I’m still going to be your biggest fan and rooting for you. I wish you and Jed success. I really mean that.” HANNAH, CHANGE YOUR MIND!

Emily: Next is Jed and OF COURSE HE BROUGHT HIS GUITAR. I hate him so much.

Emily: Hannah’s like, “I sometimes question why god has made me live my life the way I did.” In this moment, I’m a little irritated because, bitch, you haven’t had it that hard. You didn’t end up with the shitty dude you dated in high school? Boo hoo. Please stop. She also says,“I’ve been praying for this moment for a long time” HOW OLD ARE YOU? Come back and tell me this when you’re withered and bitter like me. Until then, bye.

Susan: Jed says a few words and then says “I’m not good with words” and starts playing his guitar and singing because this motherfucker had to get ONE MORE SONG IN while the cameras were still rolling. The song is bad, his voice is worse, and this is, as promised, cringe-worthy. Hannah loves it. She says “I love you Jed Wyatt. I am in complete love with you.” Jed gets 15 points for that. And for some inexplicable reason, he actually proposes. She accepts, and that’s 40 points. He’s on my team and I can’t even be happy about it. I wonder what Jed’s girlfriend will think when she sees this little stunt.

Emily: Congrats for having the winner, Susan. I guess. Jed’s like “WE’RE GETTING MARRIED!” Nope. Cut to what we all know was coming next.

Susan: I got really bummed in their videos when Hannah was like “Mrs. Wyatt!” and seemed so happy. Then we get an ITM with Hannah: “I thought I was getting this person...who was sweet sincere and honest, and that’s not been the case...Jed has muddied the waters of our future together, and it’s not what I thought I said yes to...I love the person I got engaged to. I don’t know how I feel about this person.”

Ok, so. The DAY AFTER they got engaged, Jed was like “Oh hey I was talking to this girl before I left,” but he told Hannah he’d broken it off. But then the People article surfaced and Hannah saw the notes, text messages and allegations of Jed’s girlfriend and things got bad. So they are meeting up to talk about it, and she asks him to lay it all out there, and he is the god damn dictionary definition of a fuck boy throughout this entire conversation.

When you’re talking to the most fuck boy fuck boy of all time

Emily: Talk about a dude who’s only apologizing because he got caught. In their pre-recorded breakup, Hannah tells Jed, “I want you to be as real and as open as I am.” But then when Hannah starts getting mad about what he’s saying, Jed’s like, “You told me to tell you the truth.” Does he not get how this works? Too little too late, bro. Hannah’s like, “I want you to tell me the truth, but I’m also going to react to the truth.” Truly, Hannah is at her best when she’s putting men in their place.

Susan: I couldn’t get over how disengaged he was. He’s leaning away from Hannah, looking off into the distance, and his face says he doesn’t give a single fuck.

Emily: I love how Jed is like “we weren’t dating.” But he admits that they went on vacation together, SHE MET HIS PARENTS, she threw him a surprise party, her parents got him a birthday gift, and he told her he loved her multiple times. But y’all aren’t dating? Sure, Jan.

Susan: This infuriated me. What a selfish dick. And Hannah calls him out for being selfish, and he’s just like, “I know.” Uh, ok. During this whole conversation, he’s still only concerned about Jed. When he says something about his actions affecting him negatively, Hannah has to jump in and remind him: “US.”

Emily: Hannah also calls Jed out for lying about “breaking it off” with this girl. Jed says, “To me, I did it in my heart, not verbally.” What a piece of shit.

Susan: She holds the ring and says, “This doesn’t mean the same thing anymore.” She takes it off and places it on the table.

Emily: Hannah says, “Nothing is ever how you plan it to be, but I just feel like this experience was taken away from me.”

Susan: Chris asks what their status is, and she says, “I am no longer with Jed...The engagement is over. We’re not together. That’s not what I said yes to.” Apparently they broke up over the phone at some point after the conversation we saw.

Emily: I just want to note that when Jed comes out for his interview, he gets less applause than Luke did, and I feel like this is appropriate.

Susan: He literally got like, two errant claps. It was amazing.

Emily: Hannah says, “I don’t need a husband. I want a husband, but I don’t need one.” Again, loving this confident Hannah Beast.

Susan: Jed continues to fuck boy around, pretending to take responsibilty but calls his actions “lacking details” instead of “lying.” This right here is exactly why I can’t stand this dude. It is a microcosm of his whole personality. He says he still loves Hannah and “always will” (Ok, sure), but Hannah says she doesn’t love him like that anymore. Chris says, “So this is over?” and Hannah definitively says, “Yes.” Praise be.

Emily: Next Tyler comes out. Tyler says he’s so proud of Hannah and really rooting for her all season. Hannah is really giggly and flirty during this whole interview. Finally she tells Tyler, “You’re an incredible guy, and I’m a single girl” and she asks him out on a date. I know this isn’t much, but I’ll take what I can get. I think Tyler should get 5 points for potentially winning the Bachelorette back. Also Chris says he ships it. So does all of America, Chris. Unless you hate joy.

Emily: My superlatives are as follows:

Studliest Stud goes to Peter for getting it FOUR TIMES in the windmill. Slow clap for you and your dick, Peter.

Most Sex Positive Family obviously goes to Peter’s family for once again being the coolest.

Most Robbed of the Win goes to Tyler, of course.

Shittiest Dude Ever goes to Jed, which is a major accomplishment considering this is the season that also gave us Luke P.

And last but not least, Hannah gets the crown for Most Growth Over a Bachelorette Season. We love you, our feminist queen!

Susan: I wholeheartedly support these superlatives. This didn’t end a proposal, but Hannah is one of the biggest “winners” of this franchise I’ve ever seen. Overall, a great season.

Points

Team Sausage Party (Emily)
Tyler: 20
Peter: 12
Total This Week: 32
Last Week Total: 518
Total: 548

Team Frat-Tastic (Susan)
Jed: 55
Total This Week: 55
Last Week Total: 327
Total: 382

Susan: Congratulations to Emily’s team, Team Sausage Party, for being victorious this season! We all hope to see Sausage Party alum Mike as the next Bachelor!

Emily: What a whirlwind of a season, Susan. It’s been fun, and I’m looking forward to recapping Bachelor in Paradise starting next week!

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