This week Hannah’s journey for love takes us across the pond to Scotland…
Emily: ABC did us dirty this week. First, we ended on a cliffhanger last week, and then they pushed the show back to TUESDAY throwing off my entire weekly routine. Then we get another cliffhanger at the end of this episode? It’s like we’ve entered Kaityln Bristowe’s season all over again. I’m very triggered. But here we are. Let’s start from the beginning.
Susan: In case anyone forgot, Luke S. and Luke P. are still fighting. Hannah sits them down to hear them “talk to each other” and immediately looks like she wishes she were dead. Then she pulls a Colton and just up and walks out on them because who has time for this?
Emily: Hannah’s bored expression was priceless. It truly told a story. And that story was “producers made me do this, and I clearly want to dump both of these dudes.” When she walks out, ABC starts playing this dire Game of Thrones style music, and for a second I legit though Hannah was about to execute one of them or sentence the Lukes to a trial by combat. But no, she just leaves and makes Chris Harrison emerge from his cocoon to tell the dudes the cocktail party is soooo overrr.
Susan: It’s time for the rose ceremony we should have gotten last week. Luke S. pulls a last-minute “Can I talk to you for a sec?” à la Britt in Chris Soules’s season. Except instead of begging to stay, he just kind of apologizes and is like “Ok, bye.”
Poor Britt.
Emily: It’s really weird because we don’t actually see how most of this conversation goes down. Maybe Luke S. was talking about his tequila business and ABC didn’t want to give him free press. Maybe they were discussing politics. We’ll never know. On to the actual eliminations.
Susan: In the most upsetting elimination of this season so far, John Paul Jones, our beloved JPJ, does not receive a rose. (Neither does Matteo, but who cares?) JPJ, I suspect we will see your sunshine hair in Paradise. And just like that, two more of my Team Frat-tastic men have fallen. Sigh.
Emily: I’m really thinking JPJ is going to shine on BiP. His humor and good nature will likely land him a lot of friends, and I’m calling it now. He’ll probably get coupled up. We’re rooting for you, John Paul Jones!
Susan: Luke decides to give a toast that no one asked for. He says it’s “for all you gentlemen, but mostly for Hannah.” Eye roll. “To finding our forever, and having the time of our lives on the hunt.” The HUNT. That’s how I want my future husband to talk about me -- like I’m big game he’s about to destroy and make a sick trophy out of. (Justin, this is sarcasm; do not do this.)
Emily: I’m so done with Luke. He is the worst kind of toxic masculinity, and he reaffirms this every week. Hannah explains to the camera that she’s keeping Luke because even though her brain tells her he’s not the one, her heart says otherwise. Translation: her vagina says otherwise. Anyway, off to Scotland for the beginning of the overseas dates!
Girl stop listening to your vagina
Susan: They arrive in Inverness, which is where Loch Ness is located, and therefore, where the Loch Ness Monster lives. Don’t worry, this will come back.
Emily: I actually started flipping out because I LOVE SCOTLAND. Fun fact, #BSG fans: Susan and I actually went to Edinburgh together and had a grand old time. We even had a fav pub: The Auld Hoose. Shout out to the Auld Hoose! Hannah seems excited to be in Scotland too, I guess, although her attempt at a Scottish accent was horrifying. She tells us, “Mary Queen of Scots had to deal with a lot of men and she fought the battle really hard but at the end of the day she was beheaded. So I’m going to take the role of Mary Queen of Scots except not end up beheaded.” Sounds like a plan.
Susan: The dudes are drinking beer at a pub, and Hannah comes in and says she wants to open up to them this week and invites Mike on a one-on-one! 20 points for the next Bachelor -- I mean, Mike!
Emily: OMG PLEASE. ABC, the people want Mike for Bachelor! #MikeforBachelor #MikeBachelor2020 #MikeJohnsonBachelor2020ComeonABC. This is actually my dream. Hanging out with Mike and wandering around Scotland. This is indeed the perfect place to fall in love. When Hannah sees Mike, she jumps into his arms and… hugs him? It’s a run and jump but there’s no kiss? I think this is 3 points.
Susan: Back at the pub, the dudes confront Luke and he deflects, as usual. And we get our first mention of the Luke Ness Monster from Jed, though clearly a producer gave him that line.
Emily: In the most cutting insult ever, Luke tells the other guys, “You’re so what’s not for Hannah. It makes me want to gag.” Nice one, dude. You know, for all the Loch Ness Monster talk, I’m a little disappointed there wasn’t a Loch Ness Monster-themed date this week. But whatever.
Meanwhile, Mike and Hannah are being super cute, so let’s get back to that. Mike has the biggest most amazing smile in the world. They go to a bookstore (THE DREAM!) and I’m guessing this is where Mike gets that Loch Ness Monster book he’s reading later. More on that to come. Next, they go drink a bunch of whiskey and not gonna lie, Hannah seems drunk as fuck. So drunk that she can’t tell the difference between a Socttish accent and an English accent and she allows an English dude to troll her and convince her to eat haggis. Afterwards when she asks him to eat it, he’s straight up like, “I don’t eat haggis! I’m English!” Hannah, you dummy.
Susan: At dinner, Hannah is rocking a high ponytail, and Mike is nervous as hell.
Emily: He’s talked about his previous relationship before, but here he cites his last relationship as the reason he’s so cautious about entering another one. He doesn’t want to be heartbroken again. Where is that Bachelor contract? Can we get him to sign it now, or…?
Susan: He actually asks Hannah questions about herself, which is more than we can say for a certain lake creature named Luke who keeps getting roses for some reason. Anyway, Mike and his beautiful smile get a rose. 10 points. After dinner, they go to a “Scottish party” (?) at a pub and dance and make out. 2 points.
Susan: At the big fancy house -- where the men are wearing lots of layers indoors -- Tyler reads the group date card with the most deadpan delivery of all time. Probably because he scanned it and saw the Luke Ness Monster wasn’t on it, meaning he gets the other one-on-one. Ugh.
Emily: So I was listening to the Bachelor RHap Up podcast earlier today, and they had a theory about this. They posited that Luke’s 1-on-1 was originally meant to be a 2-on-1 between both Lukes before Luke S. sent himself home. Evidence that suggests this: Luke S. was originally going to stay, hence Chris coming and taking a rose off the table at the beginning of the episode. Also, the way Luke’s date is set up (more on this later) seems more like a 2-on-1 argue it out kind of date than a 1-on-1 romance date. All the telltale signs were there. Just saying. I believe this theory.
Actual footage of Emily checking out Bachelor theories
Susan: On the group date, we’ve got Devin, Tyler, Dylan, Grant, Connor, Peter and Garrett from Team Sausage Party and Dustin, Kevin, and Jed from Team Frat-tastic. My team is too small to carry me through the rest of this season. Come on, dudes!
Emily: Okay but color me SHOCKED that Grant is still somehow here. How did GRANT make it to overseas dates over JPJ? It’s not that I’m complaining about having more team members, but when has grant ever pulled his weight for this team? The only thing he’s contributed is the actual name of the team. Do better, Grant. Maybe at least say hi to Hannah one time. Anyway, on to the date. The dudes all put on kilts and apparently Hannah has a type, and it’s the type that doesn’t wear underwear.
Susan: I’m pretty sure almost this exact same date was done on Emily Maynard’s season because I remember that balls had to be blurred in kilts and there were physical challenges happening. So they have to throw axes (they suck at this), race with buckets of milk on their shoulders, and just straight-up wrestle. In kilts. Dylan with the line of the season: “Not wearing any underwear, so...definitely concerned about showin’ my butt.” Um, what about your entire scrotum and peen?
Emily: Maybe he’s very proud of his scrotum and peen.
Susan: Back at the house they keep calling a castle, Mike and Luke have to talk to each other. Most of the conversation is just Luke gaslighting Mike by pretending he never said any of the stuff he literally just said an hour ago. Same shit, different mansion.
Emily: It’s like they were determined to get a 2-on-1 with Luke somehow. But since their original plans were thwarted, they had to make do with this 2-on-0 in which Luke just wanders around the “castle” and Mike reads a book about monsters that definitely isn’t supposed to be an obvious metaphor about his feelings about Luke. Enough of this for now. Tell me about the actual date with Hannah.
Susan: Tyler is the only one who can throw an axe. 3 points to Tyler for this. I don’t understand the milk race because it seems like it doesn’t even matter if you spill the milk? Jed goes beast mode and pours milk on his own head, which Hannah loves for some reason. Then he earns himself 2 points by pulling a slick one and asking to wrestle Hannah instead of another dude.
Emily: Jed was a little too slick here. I was not a fan
Susan: Milk-soaked Jed wins the whole competition and gets 5 points for it! I quite enjoyed this date. Let’s just only do group dates.
Emily: Grumble grumble. Tyler should have won.
Susan: At the cocktail party, the theme is “let’s get horizontal” as Hannah is ready for some serious makeouts with these fellas, starting with Jed. Jed gets 2 points for this makeout where Hannah is trying very hard to straddle him in a dress that won’t let it happen. But it’s ok because he gets 3 more points for the butt grab.
Emily: Even more hilarious is Kevin (I had to check to make sure that was his name) walking in on Hannah and Jed dry humping. Poor Kevin is like “I haven’t even kissed her yet.” And you probably never will, Kevin. Next up is Peter who is just all about the smoothness. He tried to be smooth by making out with her on top of a pool table, but he couldn’t get the right angle at first and it was kind of a mess. And yet somehow because it was Peter, it was still smooth. 2 points for the makeout. 2 points for getting horizontal (eventually).
Susan: Dark Horse Garrett swoops in with 2 points for kissing also, and then it’s time for Tyler In A Kilt. Tyler just straight up lies down on the bed to make out with her. 2 points for the makeout, 2 more for being horizontal. Get it, girl.
Emily: Once again, I just want to point out that Tyler makes a lot of raunchy jokes about showing her his nutsack and waxing his ass before they start making out. This is definitely his go-to flirting vibe. And it’s working for him clearly because I think he and Hannah made out so hard that they made a baby.
So much making out
Susan: In a choice that surprises no one -- but least of all Kevin, who witnessed their heavy petting -- Hannah gives the group date rose to Jed. 10 points.
Emily: Boooooo!
Susan: Remember that movie We Need to Talk about Kevin? Well, Bachelor Nation, we need to talk about Luke. And Luke needs to talk about “clarity.” A lot.
Emily: As the resident Ravenclaw, I want to point out that We Need to Talk About Kevin was first a novel by Lionel Shriver. Moving on. It’s time for Luke’s date, and on Luke’s way out the door, Garrett says to him: “Be a man and keep our names out of your mouth.”
Susan: 20 points to Luke for getting this date somehow. Hannah jumps on him, but not enthusiastically and not while running. 3 points. Hannah wastes a stellar picnic location on this “big-ass douche canoe” (Devin’s words). They’re on the side of a cliff. It’s beautiful and awesome except for the fact that Hannah always feels like shit when Luke’s around, and she basically says this herself. I honestly don’t know how to accurately recap their circular and empty conversation that seemingly lasts all the livelong day and into dinner. Emily, help me out.
Luke trying to make thoughts happen
Emily: Okay. So. This is what I wrote down: Luke keeps saying dumb shit, and Hannah keeps trying to get him to say the right thing so that she can go on wanting to have sex with him. When Luke keeps being an idiot despite her best efforts, Hannah’s like fuck it let’s go look at this dumb castle. Luke is like, “Is there anything that I left out that you want me to explain to you?” Hannah’s like, “WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU EVEN?” Luke is like, “Do you want to talk?” Hannah’s like, “NO I WANT TO FUCKING STAND HERE AND BE MAD.” And now she’s like fuck it let’s look at this dumb fucking castle. What I want to know is this: Why is Hannah fighting this so hard. Maybe she just needs to fuck him. Has anyone suggested this yet?
Susan: Ladies, listen up. A really intense initial attraction does not a lifelong commitment make. Sometimes it doesn’t mean anything except you wanna bang this person. You do not have to marry him. You do not have to do anything. You certainly don’t have to waste your time sitting around begging him to talk about something, even if it’s just what kind of pasta he likes. Hot take: Luke is probably not even a good lay. Just move on.
Emily: I wonder if Luke’s favorite pasta is cheesy pasta. Anyway, at this point, Luke is like, “I’m starting to feel like I’m on thin ice with you.” I wonder what the fuck gave him that idea. Hannah tells him, “I want a real man and an incredible man but that person has flaws and can own up to them.” Luke probably thinks his worst flaw is that sometimes he sings too beautifully.
Susan: At dinner he says he’s been trying to be “too perfect,” which just feels like he’s repeating Hannah’s insecurities from last season. This man has nothing to contribute to this relationship. For the love of Nessie, let. him. go.
Emily: What’s worse is that Luke seems really proud of himself for coming up with that line. What’s EVEN worse is that Hannah says she’s not even mad at Luke for what he did at the rugby game last week. In fact, she LIKED that side of him because at least anger is an emotion. This is why 24 year-olds should not be leads on The Bachelor/ette.
Susan: So we end on a cliffhanger, but we’ve SEEN LUKE in season previews in scenarios that haven’t occurred yet, so… not that much of a cliffhanger. Even though Hannah repeatedly said there were “red flags” everywhere, that she had more fun without him around, and that this is the worst date she’s had, she’s gonna give a rose to this restraining order waiting to happen.
Emily: We only have one superlative for this week, and it’s least exciting cliffhanger. This episode is the least exciting cliffhanger ever. The end. It’s points time.
Team Sausage Party (Emily)
Mike: 35
Tyler: 3
Peter: 4
Garrett: 2
Total This Week: 43
Last Week Total: 144
Total: 187
Team Frat-Tastic (Susan)
Jed: 17
Luke: 23
Total This Week: 40
Last Week Total: 129
Total: 169
And currently Team Sausage Party is in the lead, but there’s still plenty of time left in the season, and plenty of bad decisions for Hannah to make on her journey. It’s still anyone’s game! Tune in next week.