Can you spell “Grown Ass Man”? If not, no big deal! Just wear a robe and have all the confidence of a mediocre white man nicknamed Wolverine. Let’s get into it and separate the men from the Marvel characters.

Emily: Just so everyone knows, the structure of this show has totally been thrown out the window. Where did we even leave off last week? Was it with Brendan’s date? I’m guessing so because this week, Tayshia wants to start by reminding us that Brendan is a big ole front runner and that he’s “husband material.”

Susan: Back at the La Quinta Resort, we’re told that a group date is about to happen, but we don’t get to see the date card like we usually do. Because this whole season is just a total free-for-all now. Anyway, Ivan, Demar, Ben, Chasen, Ed, Joe Bennett and Montel are going on a group date.

Emily: So now we’re going on a date that’s all about showing Tayshia that you’re a grown ass man. The date will be hosted by… Jared and Ashley I. Can they just ride off in the sunset already?

Susan: ABC really overestimates how much we want to see Ashley and Jared. Jared’s hair is terrible, and Ashley sneezes without covering her mouth or nose, but don’t worry—she “was tested!” Ashley I. is America.

Emily: Perhaps just as troubling as Ashley I.’s fully open-faced sneeze is the fact that this is apparently their 1-year wedding anniversary. Of course these two would spend their wedding anniversary hanging out on the set of The Bachelorette. I cannot with them.

Susan: So the “Grown Ass Man Challenge” will put the men through a series of challenges meant to gauge their grownness. One contestant will win the Grown Ass Man Award, and one will win the Man Child Award (which is actually just losing).

Emily: So we start with an intelligence challenge cause you can’t be a grown ass man if you can’t do math. The show uses this opportunity to show us how dumb Bennett is. He can’t spell limousine and he can’t do basic math. Just a reminder to everyone watching that if you’re white and male, you can be anything. Even a Harvard graduate.

Susan: The next challenge is a reverse tug of war because part of being a grown ass man is “fighting for the person you love, both emotionally and physically.” Huh? Anyway, Bennett sits this one out due to an old football injury, but he’s not worried because he has something up his terry cloth sleeve...

Emily: Next up is the Breakfast in Bed challenge because you can’t be a grown ass man if you don’t bring your woman breakfast in bed. You hear that, husband?

Susan: Demar brings Tayshia a mimosa, which I appreciate because champagne is a key part of my grown ass womanhood. Ivan brings her flowers. Ed does pushups with Tayshia on his back. (Remember this fact for later in the episode. Pretty sure push-ups use the shoulders…) Chasen, who has decided to fully rely on his looks because his smarts are...lacking...takes off his shirt and says he can be the main course for breakfast. Chasen as a meal is not what we’d call “brain food.”

Emily: In this challenge, Bennett finally excels after doing poorly in the previous two challenges. He gets in a robe and brings her beignets in bed. And apparently this is the only challenge that truly matters, because Tayshia awards him with the “Grown Ass Man” certificate of honor. As Tayshia explains it, “Bennett’s bougie, and I’m bougie. So I appreciate it.” This is a big mood and I totally get it. Bennett gets 5 points for being a Grown Ass Man. Then Bennett kisses Tayshia for 2 points.

Susan: The Man Child Award goes to Ed, who has to carry around a baby until...well, until someone tells him to stop? We’re giving Ed 3 points for “winning” this award. Everyone is annoyed that Bennett won because he completely skipped the tug-of-war challenge and totally sucked at the first one. I like Bennett, but they’ve got a point.

Emily: At the night portion of the date, Bennett tries to steal Tayshia first, but our girl isn’t having it. She’s like, “Okay can I say hi to everyone first?” I think in Tayshia’s mind, she already gave Bennett all he will be getting tonight. After getting rejected like this, he should know he’s not a frontrunner and he won’t be getting the group date rose. Tayshia loves the antics, but she doesn’t see Bennett as real husband material.

Susan: It needs to be noted that Bennett is still wearing his robe from the Breakfast in Bed challenge. This bothers Chasen, who thinks you should dress up for cocktail parties. This man obviously doesn’t know about Alexis “It’s a dolphin!” Waters from Nick Viall’s season.

Emily: While Chasen is talking to Tayshia, Ed and Bennett get into how fake they think Chasen is. I’m still sitting here like, “Did Bennett ever get his time?” I know that’s not the point, but the anxiety is getting the better of me. Also I just want to say, for the record, I’m not sure Chasen is fake. He might just be really stupid.

Susan: Chasen is, in fact, really stupid.

Emily: When Chasen returns to the group of guys, Ed and Bennett have worked themselves up into a lather and they just can’t hold their frustration in any longer. Bennett tells Chasen that Ed thinks he’s not genuine. Chasen, understandably, gets defensive. I get that. But what follows is a mixture of ludicrousness and dickishness that I can’t get behind. First, Chasen says that Bennett and Ed are Batman and Robin. And Chasen is Superman. Then he decides, no, he’s actually Wolverine. Like, okay, Batman and Robin are DC and Wolverine is Marvel but whatever. Ludicrous. But then the dickishness comes out when Chasen tells Ed he has “chicken legs.” It’s just never cool to insult someone’s appearance. Like ever.

Susan: In the meantime, Tayshia kisses both Ben and Ivan, who each get 2 points. But back to the drama: Ed, who has apparently never seen this show, decides to tell Tayshia about Chasen being there for the wrong reasons, saying that he heard Chasen say “identical things” to Clare that he says to Tayshia. Tayshia is more upset by this than I’d expect, which means she must actually like Chasen on some level, and I can’t tell you why. Anyway, she pulls Chasen aside, tells him what Ed said, and calls him out for being defensive.

Emily: When Chasen gets back to the group for the second time, he’s furious. I guess in an attempt to retaliate for the “chicken legs” comment, Ed tells Chasen to take his “smedium” shirt and sit down. Chasen’s like, “My medium? It’s actually a large.” I die.

Susan: Chasen is bad at talking. He says, “I do not appreciate that, as a man. As a grown ass man right now.” When Ed keeps talking, Chasen says, “Stop jibber jabbering your mouth.” Wolverine really needs to work on his trash talk. Let’s give both of these dudes 2 points for this conflict. Oddly enough, Tayshia doesn’t give the group date rose to either of them. It goes to Ivan, who gets 10 points.

Emily: At this point we’re about 40 minutes into the episode, and it’s time for a rose ceremony because WHAT IS STRUCTURE? Reflecting on the previous date, Chasen wants to remind viewers of how dumb he is. He says he almost brought the inner Wolverine out. Someone help this man. He’s spiraling into an abyss of idiocy.

Susan: To prove that he isn’t saying the same things about Clare and Tayshia, he decides his new word for Tayshia is “smoke show.” He announces this to the group, and it is received with giggles.

Emily: Finally, Tayshia puts us out of our misery and shows up. She tells the guys, “I think it’s good that I’m nervous around y’all.” And I love that Tayshia’s saying “y’all” a lot. I’m a huge fan of the word y’all. It’s a nice, gender-neutral way to specify more than one person you’re addressing directly. Let’s NORMALIZE IT.

Susan: I ship Ben and Tayshia. Ben is really into her, and it feels mutual. He tells Tayshia her authenticity resonates with him, and he hasn’t felt this way in a long time. They kiss again, but he already got his points earlier in the episode. Other highlights: She eats Asian food with Joe, and they talk about their backgrounds. More Joe, less Chasen, please. Demar reads her a terrible poem, but she seems into it, and they kiss for 2 points.

Emily: Tayshia takes Chasen aside to discuss the way he’s handling conflict in the house. I really loved how she handled this moment. She says, “This isn’t cool, Chasen. You can’t get physical with these dudes.” I loved this so much, but then this entire lecture is undermined later in the episode when they all go on a wrestling date. Like……….. I’m so confused. But more on that later.

Susan: In a desperate attempt to save face, Chasen pulls Ed aside and tries to own up to his actions. But they just start bickering again. I’m bored. I do not care about either of them. Let’s check in on another grown ass man: Zac.

Emily: At one point during this conflict, Zac says, “Here’s the thing. I could care less. Let’s just bury it.” I just want to take a moment to point out something here. When you say, “I could care less,” it means you COULD care less. So you care a little bit. This is not the correct saying. The actual saying is, “I couldn’t care less.” Because that means it’s not possible for you to care any less than you already do. I just want readers to take a minute and understand this. Words mean things. Please think about the words you use. Okay, thanks for coming to my TED Talk.

Susan: If you hadn’t pointed this out, I would have. So thank you.

Emily: Zac also has time with Tayshia in which he talks about what it’s like being 36 and single. Like CAN YOU IMAGINE BEING THAT OLD AND SINGLE? He might as well kill himself. (I’m being sarcastic)

Susan: Zac is a dark horse. She’s into him. Also, give me a 36-year-old over a 28-year-old any day of the week. (Several other dudes are also 36. IDK why we keep acting like Zac is SO OLD.)

Emily: Rose ceremony time finally. Here’s the call-out order: Zac, Riley, Kenny, Ben, Demar, Bennett, Spencer, Jordan, Noah, Joe, Blake, Ed, and Chasen. Brendan, Eazy, and Ivan already had roses from previous dates. That means Peter, Montel, and Jay are going home. Farewell, Peter and Montel. We barely knew ye. Like seriously.

Susan: Later days, Pete and Monty. That’s what I would have nicknamed y’all if you’d stayed longer.

Emily: I’m totally thrown off and feel like the episode should be over, but we still have about 45 minutes left. Why? Chasen KEEPS saying Tayshia is a smoke show, and I’m wondering if he could have possibly said it this many times or if this is editing. Like surely if you said it the one time and got such a negative reaction, you wouldn’t say it again? Then again, remember the theme of this episode: Chasen is stupid.

Susan: Yeah, this structure is whack. It’s technically a “new week,” but it’s the same episode, and we’re all thrown off. Couple this with daylight savings time, and we basically have no way of figuring out where we are in time and space right now.

Emily: I really hate that this next date is a wrestling match. As I mentioned earlier, on the one hand, Tayshia is telling her men that she doesn’t think it’s a good look when they get physical with one another. And then on the other hand, she’s like, “LOL WHOEVER WRESTLES THE HARDEST WINS EXTRA TIME WITH ME.” I know she’s not the one who decides what the dates are, but this is really weird mixed messaging. At best, it’s confusing. At worst, it supports toxic masculinity.

Susan: It’s also another date with minimal clothing for the men. And another date where the “live audience” is just the other men in the house because Covid.

Emily: For me, Joe really shined (shone?) on this date. He’s always been a low key favorite of mine, but now he’s a high key favorite. Before the wrestling commences, Joe says, “I know I should say I was born for this or hell yeah but I’m also scared.” Yes. This seems like the response of a real human being and not a meathead.

Susan: Joe did shine, and not just because Tayshia covered the men in Crisco before they wrestled. I loved that his “trash talk” was “You’re a really nice guy!” and “Your chest is pretty strong!”

Emily: At one point, Tayshia’s like, “I thought we were doing low key wrestling but now people are getting hurt.” Girl. What is low key wrestling? This is like saying, “I thought they weren’t going to fight but then I told them to fight for my love and now they’re fighting and I don’t want them to fight.” CHOOSE.

Susan: Oh, also, Wells is here to co-commentate with Chris Harrison. Imagine quarantining for two weeks just to watch slippery men run into chain-link fences for an hour. Anyway, Eazy beats Joe, Jordan beats Brendan, and Spencer and Ben tie. Chris announces that Ed and Chasen will be fighting next. Ed—who, remember, did push-ups with a grown woman sitting on his back earlier—says he has “chronically dislocated shoulders” and cannot fight Chasen. LOL, ok buddy. Anyway, Noah, who is a spectator on this date, jumps the fence and volunteers to fight Chasen in the final battle.

Emily: Ivan says, “Chasen and Noah felt like the real deal. It felt like a death match.” Ivan is also a high key fave, by the way. Ultimately, Chasen wins, but Tayshia also invites Noah to the afterparty. Of course, all the guys are really happy about this.

Susan: Let’s give Chasen 5 points for winning and Noah 3 points for his bold moves and fighting in jeans.

Emily: When Noah gets some quality alone time with Tayshia, she doesn’t even seem willing to kiss him before he fixes one major thing about his appearance. The mustache. She says, “Can you shave your mustache… like, tonight?”

Susan: Noah does get 2 points for kissing though. Brendan talks to Tayshia about what it’s been like dating post-divorce. She cuts him off mid-sentence to make out with him, so he gets 2 points. We cut to see a kiss with Spencer (2 points), but we don’t see any of their conversation. Because we have mustache business to tend to.

Emily: Jordan’s telling Tayshia about he’s a Leo when Noah shows back up and says something like, “Hey excuse me I need to talk to Tayshia about my mustache some more.” Jordan tries to fight for more time with Tayshia, but how can she resist a good mustache shave?

Susan: Noah hands Tayshia a trimmer and says the options are stubble or baby face. She shaves it for him, and they kiss again. She gives him her approval and says something like “You’re actually kind of hot.” Wow, thanks.

Emily: How do we feel about Noah without the mustache? I feel like it’s one of those things where you’d think he would look better but then he shaves it and he doesn’t actually look better. Like maybe there was a reason he was hiding his upper lip. Thoughts?

Susan: I think he looks too young without it. I think his best move would probably be a beard and mustache combo. But I like facial hair.

Emily: At the end of the night, Tayshia’s just ready to curl up in bed. She tells everyone it was a great night, and Ben, who has been biding his time all night, says, “Actually, can we talk?” Tayshia is setting her boundaries though. She tells him, “Ben, the night’s over. I’m disappointed you didn’t come find me.” And that’s that. She gives the group date rose to Noah for 10 points.

Susan: Time to do some math, which is something we actually have to do now that Dale is gone and more than one person gets points every episode.

Team I Just Met My Husband (Emily)

Riley:
Chasen: 7
Ivan: 12
Joe:
Demar: 2
Bennett: 7
Ed: 5
Spencer: 2
Montel: ELIMINATED

Last Episode Total: 270
This Episode Total: 35
Total: 305

Team Reckless on Instagram (Susan)

Blake:
Eazy:
Ben: 2
Brendan: 2
Jordan:
Zac: 2
Kenny:
Noah: 15
Jay: ELIMINATED
Peter: ELIMINATED

Last Episode Total: 85
This Episode Total: 19
Total: 104

Emily’s team has a commanding lead, but it’s still anyone’s game! Meet us back here next week to see what humiliating challenge the men have to do while wearing thongs!

Team I Just Met My Husband (Emily)

Team Reckless on Instagram (Susan)

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