What a ride, readers. We basically got three episodes in one for this finale, and it was full of emotional whiplash, profound declarations of love, incorrect word definitions, and fantastic outfits (from Tayshia and Kaitlyn). Read on to find out who won Katie’s heart, and more importantly, who got the most points this season!

Susan: We begin this episode in the studio (with an audience!), where our rose goddesses Tayshia and Kaitlyn are looking gorgeous. They introduce a recap of some season highlights, including the Greg/Katie fight. Katie is already in the studio with them à la Rachel Lindsay’s season. Katie said she felt defeated in that moment, and she had really started questioning herself and her worth because Michael and Greg left in pretty quick succession. She says she has not spoken to him since, but the fact that he talked down to her and walked away from her twice: “That’s not a man.” Yikes. We’re off to a bad start. Emily, what’s happening back in time in New Mexico?

Emily: Well. Meanwhile, there are still two guys here. Remember Blake? More importantly. REMEMBER JUSTIN? They’re both anxious. They don’t know what’s going on with Katie, and Blake says he’s pretty sure Katie’s “in her head.” Then our queens Tayshia and Kaitlyn show up. They’re all like, “What we’re about to tell you is about to change everything.” Which is just more proof we don’t need Chris Harrison because this is the most Chris Harrison thing I’ve heard all season, and we absolutely didn’t need a bland white man to deliver that line to us. It still worked.

So Kaitlyn and Tayshia inform the two remaining men that Greg has left. Katie is “emotionally devastated” and she’s “definitely struggling.”

Justin and Blake seem absolutely floored by this news. It’s like even they thought Greg was the clear winner and are so devastated to find out it’s not going to be Katie and Greg at the end.

Tayshia tells the guys, “The good news is your journey is going to continue and you both have the opportunity to spend uninterrupted quality time with Katie.”

Susan: Katie has decided to “move forward” because goddamn it, she didn’t come here and live in a bubble just to go home empty-fingered. It’s now fantasy suite week, but we’re down to just two men, which is disappointing because I was hoping our sex-positive bachelorette would do more boning than this.

Anyway, Blake is here. There’s a run and jump move for 5 points. The rest of this date is basically a montage from a romcom, specifically Ten Things I Hate About You. They throw paint-filled balloons at each other, and Blake picks up 1 point for the horizontal makeout in the hay. But no outdoor date would be complete without a hot tub (5 points). Tell the readers about this hot tub convo, Emily.

Emily: Katie’s definitely in her head. Blake was right. While they’re running around and having fun, we hear a voiceover where Katie says if she doesn’t pick Blake, this will be the last time they spend together. Yikes.

In the hot tub, Katie keeps up the serious and dour tone. She tells Blake everything. Katie says she saw Greg going to overnights and there was a part of her that wanted to quit when he left. Blake seems really surprised. He says he loves Katie but he’s concerned about how upset she is about Greg. So I guess he didn’t realize Greg was the frontrunner after all.

Susan: It was kind of nice to see Blake a bit shaken up because so far this season, he hasn’t really gotten rattled at all. He wants to tell Katie he loves her tonight, but he’s nervous she won’t reciprocate. When they sit down for dinner, Blake says that what he took from their conversation earlier was that Michael and Greg meant a lot to her, and she was clearly hurt. He assumes they expressed words to her that made her feel certain about them. “I would never tell you I was falling in love with you, and then get up and leave. I don’t play games with love.”

Blake says he’s had trouble expressing love verbally, so he’s tried to show her in other ways, like being affectionate. But on the day of hometowns, when she scored a goal in hockey and yelled, “Go America,” he realized, “Fuck, I love her.” 15 points for telling Katie he loves her, and mad props to him for being able to love someone after they yelled “Go America.”

Emily: Yeah, that really is… a special kind of love. I guess. Maybe you have to be Canadian to get it. IDK.

Anyway, Katie tells Blake, “I’m speechless because as you’re talking about love and sharing it, I’m relating. I wanted to hold that close and I wanted to wait for that special person because it’s a big deal. It’s a huge word. And as much as I want to be stubborn, I fucking love you so much.”

Well so much for waiting til the end, I guess. That’s 25 points for this sentient beard. So good job to him. Next, of course, they get the fantasy suite card which is suspiciously written in the same handwriting as Chris Harrison’s fantasy suite cards. Either Harrison snuck onto set to write these cards, or… and I know this is wild but… maybe he never wrote them in the first place. More proof that Chris Harrison is useless. Of course, these two horny young people decide to forgo their individual rooms and get it on. All night.

Susan: Back in the studio, Kaitlyn made me LOL when she said, “What a turn of events!” Anyway, in the morning, Katie’s bra is on the floor, and they have a very flirty breakfast in bed. Katie says that she and Blake have decided that they want to walk away together at the end of this. (Um, hello, does anyone remember that Justin is still here?!). Katie tells Kaitlyn “I was plenty satisfied. Many times.” 15 points for confirmed sex. Katie says it was the best day of her life, and her heart “officially belongs to Blake.” Sooooo...time for Justin’s date…

Emily: Justin is waiting for Katie by a tree, looking very pensive. He says that now that Greg is gone, Katie’s focus is more narrow. Like, yeah, it’s way more narrow, my dude. Even narrower than you can imagine, but you’ll find out about that in just a minute.

So Katie shows up, and she asks Justin to sit down with her. And I feel like this is the first breakup in a while where Katie hasn’t cried? It’s either because Greg completely broke her or because Blake has a huge dick. Or both. She’s just fully on the Blake train, full speed ahead at this point. And Justin is just in the way. Poor Justin.

She tells him, “I know how hard it was for you to tell me you were falling in love… however, I did have my overnight with Blake, and in that I did tell him that I am falling in love with him. And that is something I can only say to one person.” Harsh.

Justin says he hopes Blake knows what he has with Katie and that he never takes her for granted.

Katie says, “It’s hard saying goodbye, especially to Justin when he did nothing wrong. Justin is an amazing man, and I never want to hurt him. And telling him goodbye today definitely caused him pain.”

Susan: I feel bad for sweet, hot Justin. But let’s call this what it was. She said Greg would be there during fantasy suites and probably also to meet her family. Justin basically got a bye in two consecutive rounds of tournament play. He got a lucky draw, but no one in America thought these two were getting engaged. Back in the studio, Tayshia says, “So we just watched your heart wrenching breakup.” LOL, did we tho?

Emily: Justin is in the hot seat (5 points), and he says watching it back, it hurts just as much now as it did then. He says he wonders if he was there by default (he was) and he wishes he could have gotten chosen. Like you said, Susan, it did seem like we just skipped through 2 rose ceremonies, so Justin never got that validation that he was getting chosen to move forward. I do believe Katie would have kept Michael and Greg over him, which sucks. Because Justin is awesome. And hot. He says he doesn’t think Katie gave him a fair shot. And when Katie comes out, she says more of the same about how she’s with the person she’s supposed to be with or whatever. At some point, Justin cries (2 points). But most importantly, we get a Justin reactions montage, which is what we’re all really here for, honestly.

Susan: Back at the Hyatt, Blake is about to meet Katie’s mom and aunt. She tells him not to worry because the family is “very casual,” and I’ve gotta say, this was a major downplay because Auntie did not come in with a casual attitude. They tell Blake it doesn’t really matter if they like him; they just want Katie to like him. They talk about where Blake lives, what he does for work, and the fact that he sometimes “goes to Africa.” Auntie says Katie and Blake don’t realize the logistics of their situation, so she’s here to break some spirits.

When she sits down with Blake, she asks him some pretty wild questions. Like, for example, she wants to know how he’ll fix his marriage if and when things go badly, and she wants a specific answer. This is an impossible question to answer specifically when you’re not even engaged. She also says marriage “ain’t all it’s cracked up to be,” and I can’t help but notice she’s wearing a wedding ring LOL. Here’s a taste of her general attitude: “You ultimately mean nothing...you better be secure as fuck coming into our family. At the end of the day, you’re here because we want you here, not because we need you here.”

I know that Blake isn’t our all-time favorite dude, but this felt really unnecessarily aggressive, and I think he handled it well. (Also let’s be real for a sec: Greg would have crumbled during this conversation.)

Emily: I did not enjoy this family at all. I especially hated how they kept saying “female” instead of “woman” or “women.” Aunt Lindsay questioned whether Blake was “strong enough to handle all that is female in our family.” Gross. I also want to stress again that Africa is a whole ass continent, and we never got any closer to pinpointing where in that huge continent Blake is actually going when he’s there. All of these people are problematic AF. I’m going to be honest, I stopped taking notes for a little while at this point because I don’t care about Blake, I hate Katie’s family, and at this point I’m even kind of over her. So go ‘head, Susan.

Susan: It’s time for Katie and Blake’s last date before the final rose ceremony. You know what that means: It’s finally time to meet Zozobra. An energy healer is here to explain that Zozobra is burned every year as part of the Fiestas de Santa Fe. People welcome new beginnings by writing down things they want to let go of and burning them. What did Katie and Blake write down, Emily?

Emily: Literally no idea. I was just terrified by this Zozobra thing.

Susan: Fair. Zozobra is clown-esque, which is scary on its own. The fact that it’s like 50 feet tall is also terrifying. Katie writes down a lot of fears about being insecure/not good enough, and she’s ready to let those go and go all in with Blake. (I have to imagine Katie also wrote “Greg” on this paper just to see his name burn.) Blake basically says he is often afraid to commit but now he’s not. LOL, ok. They embrace in the fiery glow of Zozobra.

The next day, Neil Lane FaceTimes in from the crypt, and Tayshia takes the role of helping Blake choose the ring. I’m no ring expert, but I know “circular” ain’t a cut.

Emily: That’s absolutely what I would be saying if I was trying to pick out jewelry because I know nothing and care nothing about jewelry. So Tayshia is a vibe. Like it’s round, so it’s circular, right? I don’t see the problem here.

Susan: Tayshia is determined to make this fun, but Blake is stressing out. “My head just feels like scrambled eggs.” –Blake, and also me, every Monday.

Emily: I love that Tayshia tells Blake that if he’s not ready to propose to her after knowing her for like 3 weeks, then he needs to let her go. She has been serving big production energy all season, and I’m sure The Bachelorette powers that be just fucking love her.

Susan: Because this show loves chaos, after Katie’s hair is styled, they drop her off at the top of a dirt path in what looks like 20 mph wind to walk to the sacrificial altar proposal site. Tayshia and Kaitlyn are here, and I have to say it one last time, they look incredible. Tayshia brings the gravitas this finale deserves: “This could really be a fantasy ending for Katie...or a complete nightmare.”

Emily: See what I mean? Tayshia is a producer’s dream.

I want to take a moment to shout out Katie’s dress here, because I loved it. Katie hasn’t given us… the best fashion this season. Okay, it’s been kind of cringe. But I really liked this dress. It felt like her, and it felt different from the normal gowns Bachelorettes wear for the finale. Also, it was just really pretty. I was into it.

But ok, go ahead. Blake gets there or whatever.

Susan: Katie speaks first. “I always thought you showed up late, but love shows up when it wants...You showed up exactly when you were meant to show up...The night that you said you loved me changed my life forever, because I knew in that moment I wanted to love you for the rest of my life. You and only you.”

Emily: I didn’t take any notes on their speeches either because I didn’t care. But Blake was definitely trying to fake Katie out and make her think he wasn’t going to propose to her. This was a weird move. He says something like, “I can’t give you what you came here for.” Long dramatic pause. “Because you deserve so much more.” What does that even mean? I hate him.

Susan: I hate this dumb fake-out they do every season where the person proposing is like “But…” and try to make us think they aren’t proposing. Blake told her when he arrived that he promised they’d be engaged at the end. Anyway, 50 points to Blake for proposing and getting that final rose!

They ride off together on horses! Tayshia and Kaitlyn revel in their matchmaking skills! We can enjoy happiness for a moment, right?! WRONG.

Emily: This was very reminiscent of Rachel’s season, which I know is something you brought up earlier. Instead of focusing on how happy Katie is with Blake, instead the main focus after the proposal is… Greg. Not Greg getting the Peter Krause edit. We hate it.

Greg is in the hot seat (5 points), and he says, “I didn’t know how unhappy I was until Katie showed me how happy I could be.” You know, I want to give Greg the benefit of the doubt. I know, crucify me. But… Greg says there’s nothing he would have done differently. And I feel like this is maybe not the move. But oh well. He says everything happens for a reason and she found her person and he’s grateful for her no matter what.

I want to reiterate for people who are new here that everything absolutely does not happen for a reason and life is chaos. But yeah, I wish we could just be happy for Blake and Katie and not spend hours digging up this argument, which was painful for everyone. And I mean everyone.

But here we go. Time for Katie to come out.

Susan: Katie walks right past Greg to sit on the couch. She was probably already worked up, but I bet hearing him say he had no regrets was the thing that sent her over the edge. She came to spar, and I am very uncomfortable. She says, “I don’t even know where to start. I was watching from the back. I never felt like you ever actually intended to get engaged...I feel like you were looking for the perfect opportunity to escape because you were never ready for an engagement.” The thing is, this doesn’t even matter now. Because Katie is engaged to someone else. I know she wanted to speak her mind in a way she didn’t get to during their breakup, but I hated this whole interaction.

Emily: Yes, I think they were both behaving badly, honestly. This was really hard to watch. Katie tells Greg, “You spoke down to me. You didn’t bother to say goodbye. You said you love me but I don’t think you know what love is.” She accuses him of acting, and Greg laughs and responds, “I hate to break it to you but I’m not Meryl Streep.” Katie says, “Oh we know.” The shade. To be fair, there can only be one Meryl Streep.

Then Katie repeats what she’s been saying online, which is that Greg gaslit her. Kaitlyn asks Katie to define “gaslighting,” and Katie says it’s when the other person in the argument tries to make you believe that it’s all your fault. Honestly, that just sounds like what happens in arguments to me. Obviously, when you’re arguing with someone, you think you’re right and the other person is wrong. So… I guess nearly every argument is gaslighting but okay.

Susan: Thankfully, many people pointed out that Katie’s definition of gaslighting was inaccurate. It’s clear that Katie doesn’t feel nothing for him; I’m not saying she has romantic feelings for him, but she definitely has emotions...and one of those emotions is rage. I think she had lots of time to stew on this and wanted to do a Hannah Brown-style tell-off, but this just came off looking kind of immature. And I hate to say this because I like Katie, but this to me was Katie’s least flattering moment of the season, and it should have been her best moment because we just watched her get engaged five minutes ago.

Emily: Before we shuffle Greg off the stage, Katie says, “My person was not Greg, and when he left, so did everything I felt for him.” Greg tells Katie that he wishes her nothing but the best, and through gritted teeth, she repeats the same back to him.

Susan: Speaking of the fact that she just got engaged, does anyone remember Blake? Well it’s time to bring him out finally. They say the usual stuff about how they’re ready for “real life” together. Katie says she loved that Blake had a feeling about her and that he fought for her. This is where I think Blake’s overconfidence actually suits Katie really well. I think with the insecurities she’s discussed, she will do well with a partner who brings more of a certainty to the table. (AKA, I don’t think she was really that compatible with Greg, looking back.) She cries as she thanks Tayshia and Kaitlyn for their support, and I really loved this moment because—again—this would never happen with Chris Harrison.

Emily: Of course, Blake can’t leave us without making us hear this dumb country song one more time. And I think everything I hate about Blake and Katie can be summed up in the fact that “Memorize You” is their song. We see a bunch of dudes with boom boxes stand up throughout the audience and play this song for them.

Susan: I just wrote, “Oh god, the boom boxes and this fucking song.” But hey, Katie is loving it, so good for them. Let’s see if Blake got enough points to get team What’s in the Box across the finish line!

Emily: How fitting that Team What’s in the Box finishes with boom BOXES… you get it? Okay, I need a break.

Team Crazy Cat Lady

Justin - 7
Greg - 5

Last Week: 452
This Week: 12
Grand Total: 464

Team What’s in the Box

Blake - 116

Last Week: 223
This Week: 116
Grand Total: 339

Oooof. The late arrival really hurt Team What’s in the Box this season. Congrats to Team Crazy Cat Lady, and to Blake and Katie! See y’all soon for Michelle’s season!

Team Crazy Cat Lady

Team What’s in the Box

Tags

Archive

Follow us on Instagram!