Ah, it’s good to be back. It’s good to see Tayshia and Kaitlyn blessing our screens again. It’s good to be racking up points for things like sob stories and hot makeout sessions. Let’s see which team starts out on top this season.

Susan: After staring wistfully into the distance for some time, Katie tells Kaitlyn and Tayshia that she’s excited that she has so many options right now. We all know she has like three actual options, but still, we like the optimism.

Emily: Katie says all the things Bachelorettes say at the beginning of episodes at this point of the season. She’s here to fall in love and find her husband. We know. Kaitlyn and Tayshia tell her what the week’s going to look like. First up, a group date. Then a one-on-one. Then a group date. Let’s go.

Susan: We get right into the action with a group date card. From Team What’s in the Box, we have Christian, Garrett, Tre, James, and Thomas. And from Team Crazy Cat Lady, we have Quartney, Justin, Connor B., and Karl.

We must also note that Mike P. is on this date, but neither of us chose him for our teams, which honestly might have been a mistake? We had to follow our hearts though.

Emily: He hates dessert. I can forgive waiting for marriage to have sex. But I cannot look past hating dessert. I regret nothing. Anyway, the card says “I’m looking for a great love.”

Susan: When they arrive, Thomas sprints to Katie and scoops her up. We’re gonna treat this move like a run-and-jump and award Thomas 5 points.

Emily: The guys enter a dark room. At first all we hear is a squeaky bed and heavy breathing. Are they about to watch live porn? No! It’s the sex-positive date. Did you know that Katie is sex-positive? This date is hosted by podcaster Heather McDonald, which made me wonder, as a podcaster, when Susan and I were going to get invited on this show. We’re ready to host a date.

Susan: ABC, hire us. We’re cheap.

Emily: Anyway, this date is all about sex. Obviously. It starts with a little quiz game in which most of the men reveal that they never engage in foreplay. After the quiz game, they will be forced to make a presentation to prove to Katie that they’re the best lover. There will be a prize.

Susan: Listen, we love Katie. We love that Katie loves sex. But ABC is out here trying to make “likes sex” a whole personality, and I’m not digging it. This has the same energy as when they told us Colton was a virgin six times per episode. Katie has an actual personality, and it’s pretty great. So let’s just chill on using the phrase “sex positive” for like two minutes, k?

Emily: I agree. I really love Katie. She reminds me of a cross between Hannah and Kaitlyn, two Bachelorettes I also really loved. But, like, she’s better because she’s also a cat lady. Anyway, of course this date is the one Mike the virgin has to go on. We keep zooming in on his face to get his reaction to all of the sexy things. Is he uncomfortable? When will he crack? I really don’t care, and I hate this so much.

Susan: When it’s time to present to the live audience (Tayshia, Kaitlyn, and the men who aren’t on this date), there are only a few notable moments. Connor B. sings a quirky little song, Tre puts on an erotic puppet show that apparently had people laughing, and Karl gets heckled by Justin, which was really a highlight for me. According to Heather McDonald on Nick Viall’s podcast, Karl’s “performance” went on for more than 18 minutes. Does he charge by the minute for his motivational speeches?

Emily: Meanwhile Mike is on the verge of tears as he waits for his turn. I hate that I kind of felt sorry for Mike in this moment. Like, I don’t agree with anything Mike stands for (especially his stance on dessert) but it sucks that he was put in a situation where he feels this uncomfortable. I don’t understand why the show does this. It doesn’t make for good tv, and it’s clearly manipulative.

Susan: I agree. It’s icky and forces a conversation that I’m sure he would have had in a more private setting with her.

Emily: Anyway, Mike finally takes the stage and he reads a letter to his “future wife,” which I hated. Apparently Katie doesn’t hate it though, or maybe she feels sorry for Mike too, because he gets the award for “best lover.” Points to nobody.

Susan: I didn’t like the letter either, but not because of the sex stuff. It just felt really generic to me, but whatever. Maybe I’m just bitter that no one is getting points for this. Anyway, during the evening portion of the date, Connor B. tells Katie he’d like to re-do their first kiss now that he doesn’t have paws. He earns himself 2 points.

Emily: Connor asks if Katie misses the paws, and she says, “I don’t miss the paws.” I’m not sure how much Katie is feeling Connor romantically, but I think she at least likes him a lot as a person. They clearly have a similar sense of humor and a similar, I don’t know, vibe about them. I’m really liking Connor.

Susan: Back at the mansion resort, the first one-on-one date card arrives, and it’s for first-impression rose-getter Greg. Greg gets 20 points.

Emily: It was really surprising to me to see the first-impression rose-getter also get the first date. It seems like a lot up front. Like, is Katie about to Clare and Dale this whole situation? It feels like it right now. But I guess time will tell.

Susan: At the group date, Karl is in full car salesman mode and has decided to talk to Katie like he’s “closing a deal.” Thanks, we hate it. Tall Thomas has a nice moment with Katie, who says he’s been on her mind a lot. They both acknowledge an “unexplainable” connection between them, and they make out for 2 points (plus 1 extra point because she climbs onto his lap). I wish I could give Katie points for visible Spanx.

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Emily: It’s time to give out the rose, and it really comes down to the guy who had the best makeout skills, and I suppose that award goes to Thomas (10 points). On Sharleen Joynt’s recap with her husband Andy, they said that Thomas looks like Josh Murray and I can’t unsee it.

Susan: Now I see it too, and I wish I didn’t. Time for the 1-on-1 date: Katie picks up Greg in a red truck, and they’re basically wearing matching outfits. I’d give Greg points for this, but he is about to get about a bajillion anyway, so whatever.

Emily: Katie asks Greg if he’s an outdoors type of guy and he says he totally is, but all signs point to no. He struggles with pitching a tent, at least. But overall, they seem to be having fun. This is a cozy little camping and fishing date .

Susan: I really like this date. It’s a normal thing they might do together in the real world, and it lets them connect over shared experiences. I did not love that they made a toilet bucket, but I did love how Greg tried to cut the hole out...with an axe. Oh, and 2 points for kissing on the toilet.

Emily: I agree. I love dates where they’re doing stuff they would do in the normal world. It gives me a better sense of how these people would work in a couple. And it feels like Greg and Katie work really well as a couple.

I mean, look at them. Photo: ABC — I mean, look at them.
Photo: ABC

Emily: Katie says she feels like she’s known Greg forever, and she’s so comfortable with him. She tells Greg that the date reminds her of her dad, who passed away in 2012. In grieving her father, she has learned that you never get over losing a loved one. You just get better at hiding the pain. And I definitely related to that personally.

Susan: Greg responds rather quietly at first, but given what happens later, I think he was probably wrestling with whether to reveal his own story right then or wait until later. He does tell her that he wants her to feel comfortable sharing these things with him, and that it’s not a burden.

Emily: Greg relates to her grief too, because he lost his dad two years ago (5 points for this sob story). Over dinner, they discuss their experiences with grief and losing their fathers. Greg told Katie that he found out his father had stage four cancer and only had a month to live. Cancer is the worst. But Greg says, “My best memory in life is my dad waking me up at 6 in the morning asking him to go fishing.” He’s really thankful Katie invited him on this date because they both got to do something that reminded them of their dads. He cries (2 points), and Katie is tearing up (5 points for Greg for making the lead cry). She says it was such a gift to enjoy her father’s memory and not cry about it, and that’s something Greg gave her.

Susan: After dinner, they cuddle up in the bed of the truck and Katie gives him the rose for 10 more points. And then there are fireworks, so 5 more. Calling Greg the frontrunner is an understatement. He’s miles ahead of everyone else already, and I think it’s going to be difficult for the others to catch up.

Emily: Especially after sharing such intense feelings of grief with one another, that’s a pretty deep bond. At this point, I’ll be shocked if anyone besides Greg wins. In an ITM, Katie says that she might be falling for him, but because it seems prompted by an interview question, we’ll just give half points (2 points). Greg has enough points right now anyway.

Can you feel the fireworks? Photo: ABC — Can you feel the fireworks?
Photo: ABC

Susan: On to the second group date! Tayshia and Kaitlyn wake up the men by banging pots and pans because why not. It’s time for a cowboy-themed group date. From Team What’s in the Box, we have John, Cody, Josh and Kyle. And from team Crazy Cat Lady, we have Aaron, Brendan, Hunter, and Andrew S. They’ll be competing in mud wrestling to win Katie's Big Buckle Brawl. Someone call Yosef and tell him the men are being objectified!

Emily: Katie says, “I’m not looking for a guy who can wrestle. I’m looking for a guy who can have fun and roll with the punches.” I don’t know if this would assuage Yosef’s fears of objectification, but that’s the lie Katie is telling everyone.

Susan: My favorites are John and Kyle, who are both fully aware they might get killed by the bigger men.

How can you not love that John and Kyle showed up fully draped in blankets? Photo: Craig Sjodin/ABC — How can you not love that John and Kyle showed up fully draped in blankets?
Photo: Craig Sjodin/ABC

Emily: Of course your favorites are both on your team. Also, of course, Aaron and Cody, who had some unexplained beef in the first episode, are going to have to wrestle each other. Somehow we’re supposed to be invested in this rivalry even though we get no details. This show is chaos.

Susan: Somehow this real-life rage pays off for Aaron, who wins the big buckle. 5 points to Aaron. He gets to spend some extra time with Katie, during which he tells her that Cody is malicious. Why, you ask? Oh, we never find out any more details.

This is the level of back-home, completely unfounded tea we were expecting.

Emily: I hate this show sometimes. I love that Aaron says, “I wouldn’t necessarily say he’s a piece of shit, but there’s always that concern there.” Yes, I am also concerned that Cody is a piece of shit. Can we hear about why though?

Anyway, that evening, Katie pulls Cody aside to get his side of the story. But her mind is already made up, I feel.

Susan: The bigger issue to me is that he brought a blow-up doll on night one, but go off, Katie. Cody then pulls Aaron aside and they speak in completely vague terms about not liking each other, and I still don’t understand what the beef is. 3 points to each of them for this petty nonsense.

Emily: Katie, meanwhile, has decided that Cody is fake AF, and she’s just going to go ahead and send him home.

Susan: Props to Katie for seeing a “red flag” and actually doing something about it. I still have PTSD from watching Hannah Brown keep Luke P. until fantasy suite week.

Andrew S. comes to check on Katie and assures her that he is there for her. They end up bonding over growing up poor and having similar experiences as children. Andrew gets maybe a little misty-eyed? He has cry voice, but idk if he really cries. Let’s give him 1 point for that (a half-cry), and 2 points for the kissing.

There’s always one guy who thinks he is 100% getting the group date rose, and everyone in America knows he isn’t. That guy is Hunter. The rose goes to Andrew S. for 10 points.

Emily: Woo! I like Andrew, so I’m here for this. Cocktail party time?

Susan: Michael didn’t get a date this week, so Katie pulls him aside first to make up for lost time. He’s bringing major Evan Bass energy to the table, and I’m into it. They kiss for 2 points.

Emily: I really liked that Katie made time for Michael at the beginning of the evening. Michael seems sweet.

Susan: Andrew M. didn’t get a date either, but I guess she doesn’t like him as much. Katie then utters a sentence that should never leave a Bachelorette’s lips: “I don’t know how this night could be ruined.” Enter Karl.

I don’t even know how to explain the shit he says to her. Basically he warns her that not everyone is there for the right reasons and gives no further information. She asks for details, and he says “I don’t really wanna get into details…” Um, okay? He tells her to “stay vigilant,” whatever the fuck that means.

Emily: I’ll tell you what it means. Karl had nobody in mind when he said this. He was just trying to make Katie think he was one of the good guys. But this plan backfires. 5 points to Karl for bringing some hardcore cliffhanger-inducing drama though.

Katie storms in to talk to the guys and tells them that if any of them aren’t there for the right reasons and aren’t looking for an engagement, they should just get the fuck out. Channeling Emily Maynard here. For the older Bachelorette fans.

AKA, when she went “West Virginia backwoods hoodrat” on Kalon

Susan: Katie immediately pulls Aaron aside because I guess she assumes it’s him based on his thing with Cody? Or does she think Cody is just willing to snitch on someone else? I have no idea. Neither does Aaron. Everyone talking to Karl is very confused because, of course, Karl is talking about no one.

Emily: Karl says he’s not going to name any names because he doesn’t want to start anything and all the guys are yelling at him “You already did!” Which shouldn’t have been funny, but it is somehow. Aaron tells Karl, “That was the dumbest thing you could have possibly done. She’s out there upset and crying.” Tre’s like, “Be logical. You’re a grown ass man.”

And this is where we end things? On this cliffhanger? Any final thoughts?

Susan: Sigh. I’m sad we didn’t get a rose ceremony, but we’re promised air punching next week, so I guess I have that to hang on to. Let’s get to the points.