Picture this: you’re on a train just trying to commute to work and maybe enjoy a lil podcast and/or crossword puzzle along the way. You’re minding your own business. Then, out of nowhere, some dude you see every day on the train invites you to help you plan a big Christmas party for everyone on the train. What do you do?

If you say you’d plan a new route to work from then on, you’re my people. But that’s not what happens in the very British Christmas film This is Christmas. After seeing his fellow commuters stick up for a guy on the train who lost his ticket, Adam (Alfred Enoch) gets a brilliant (?) idea. Clearly all of these people on the train are human beings with feelings. And human beings love to party! So why not have a big Christmas party for everyone on the train. He will not be providing the venue or the food or the spirits, but he is providing general good vibes. WHO IS IN?

Not me. Not at all. But let’s run this guy through the Christmas scale and see what happens.

On Christmas day, I felt the need to watch the most conventional, Hallmark-style Christmas movie I could possibly find. And that’s why I turned on Reporting for Christmas, a film as uninventive as its title. Mary Romero is a serious, big city gal/hardworking reporter. So when she’s assigned a “puff piece,” looking at the history of a Christmas toy manufacturer in a small town, she’s less than thrilled.

Silver fox toymaker Blake Johnson is equally unexcited about the prospect of featuring his toys on the news. After all, the big evil news company is likely to spin the story in a way that exploits their small town and the very serious toy making business they have going. But what happens when they meet and… fall in love (I guess)? Will Christmas sparks fly or will this movie continue to be boring AF?

Let’s score this bad boy and find out.

I’ve spent many a Christmas in Atlanta, and while I’m not there in person this year, I am there in spirit, in a way. Especially because I got to watch this new Christmas movie, Dashing Through the Snow, which is set in Atlanta and stars Atlanta icon Ludacris. Your hero and mine.

All of this is to say I was predisposed to liking this movie because Ludacris. But what is this movie about? Eddie Garrick (Ludacris) is a social worker who lives in Atlanta and hates Christmas. This Christmas, however, he’s spending the holiday with his nine-year-old daughter Charlotte (Madison Skye Validum, who you might remember from Best. Christmas. Ever!). Charlote loooooves Christmas. But Eddie would rather work through the holiday. Then they meet a strange man named Nick (Lil Rel Howery). You probably see where this is going.

But how does this rank on the Christmas scale?

Christmas is fast approaching, so it’s time to ramp up the 12 days of Christmas movies, friends. And what better what to do that than with the BEST. CHRISTMAS. EVER!? And really, what is a Christmas movie without a handful of standout celebs from the 90s and 2000s: Brandy (no last name necessary), Heather Graham, and Jason Biggs.

Yes, this movie was built for aging millennials like yours truly. But is it any good? And most importantly, does it pass the Christmas vibe check? There’s only one way to know for sure. Let’s run it through the Patented Christmas Movie Rating Scale.

“This is a completely unique and original situation that’s never happened before!”

Or so says CC, when she wakes up one morning to find that she’s swapped bodies with her mom Jess (played by Jennifer Garner). I wanted to highlight this line because it was the funniest part of Netflix’s Christmas movie Family Swap. And yeah, this movie did have its share of funny moments. And if you don’t understand why this line is funny, then I guess you never saw Freaky Friday or Freaky Friday or Freaky (which is just Freaky Friday, but make it a slasher movie). The point is, yes, we have seen this idea before.

But here’s the twist. This time, as the title suggests, the whole family’s getting swapped. Daughter CC (played by Wednesday’s Emma Myers) swaps with mom Jess. Son Wyatt (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle’s Brady Noon) swaps with Dad Bill (Ed Helms). And (HORRIFYINGLY) the baby Miles swaps with the dog Pickles. Oh, also. It’s Christmas. But just how Christmas is it? Let’s run this bad boy through the Patented Christmas Movie Rating Scale and find out!

You know what we need for the last month of 2023? 12 days of Christmas movies. Or should I say… EXmas movies? Because we’re starting off this year’s series with a new one starring Blair Waldorf Leighton Meester. It’s cute. It’s got family. It’s a rom-com. But does it pass the Christmas movie vibe check? You know what we gotta do. We gotta run it through the Patented Christmas Movie Rating Scale to see! Strap in. We’re only on day 1, friends.