We endured five hours of The Bachelor this week, and that’s why this recap is late. Look, it takes a while to sift through five hours of name-calling, weeping into wine glasses, and speaking one’s own truths. Can Risk It for the Biscuit catch up to The Book Club in five hours? Let’s see, shall we?

Susan: Although it seems like Alayah happened two years ago, she is still here, and everyone is still whining about it. Peter tells Alayah he doesn’t care what anyone says about her, which is clearly not true because the next thing he does is send her home because “this is, like, a little too much.” Alayah cries for 2 points on the way out.

Emily: The women are not happy with how wishy washy Peter is being. Deandra says he put a band-aid on the cut but there are still deeper issues to deal with. Of course, Peter grabs Natasha to deal with those problems because Natasha is who Peter talks to when he knows he’s been a naughty boy and he wants to be scolded.

Susan: Peter tells Natasha he’s surprised she didn’t leave yet, and she says it’s “crossed a lot of minds.” I love this woman. I can’t help but think she auditioned with Tyler C. in mind. I ship them.

Emily: Peter also takes Victoria P. aside to apologize which is bullshit because Victoria P. sucks. Yes, I said it. Oh, how the turn tables.

Susan: Rose ceremony time. Victoria F. and Kelsey already have roses. Peter hands out roses to Madison, Sydney, Natasha, Lexi, Hannah Ann, Shiann, Mykenna, Victoria P., Kelley and Tammy. Which means Deandra, Savannah and Kiarra are going home.

Emily: I’m very sad about this because Deandra was the hottest girl on this show.

Susan: Deandra is very confused, which makes sense because Peter just validated her at the cocktail party. She cries for 2 points. Kiarra mostly looks relieved. Savannah has never spoken on this show, so she has an uneventful exit. Thanks for the zero points, Savannah!

Emily: The best this Savannah ever did was sip her cocktails while implying Victoria P. was a damn liar. Roll that beautiful gif…

Susan: My last thought before we go to Costa Rica is that Madison chooses the worst possible earrings every week.

Emily: Also I’ve decided she looks like Marisa Tomei. Anway. Off to Costa Rica. The gals are staying in The Springs Resort and Spa, which is the perfect place to fall in love.

Susan: Peter does a terrible job describing Costa Rica. Did you know that it has “gorgeous volcanoes just pokin’ out”?

Emily: Meanwhile, Kelley’s like “whatever, I’ve traveled before.”

Susan: Kelley is a mood: “Costa Rica seems pretty cool, but I’m pretty tired from traveling...Of course I’d like to spend time with Peter, but he’s dating several other people. If anything, I’m just looking to have fun.” Kelley for Bachelorette.

Emily: I think Kelley gets 5 points here for being a realistic queen.

Susan: Peter walks in with his incredibly conspicuous head wound. He tells the women he fought a puma, and I”m pretty sure everyone who isn’t Kelley and Natasha believes him. Really, he ran into a golf cart and then hit his own head with the glass he had in his hand. This man got 22 STITCHES.

Emily: Is that a lot? I’ve never had stitches. Anyway, we get a dramatic reenactment of the incident and then we get security cam footage.

Susan: The security camera footage is the best part of the entire five hours I watched this week. Tied for the highlight of the season with the champagne bottle exploding in Kelsey’s face.

Emily: No way. I’m still getting mileage off that Kelsey champagne gif. That one wins forever. I showed it to my dad over the weekend and we laughed and laughed. Highlight of 2020. We’ll be looking back at 2020 decades from now and think, ah yes, Kelsey’s champagne-gate gif.

Susan: Sydney gets the weeks’ first one-on-one date for 20 points. They see Costa Rica from a helicopter, and Sydney says that taking off in the helicopter felt like they were taking off in their relationship. The metaphors do not get better each season.

Emily: I hate all of it. I kind of blacked out during this date because it was so boring but there was a picnic and a helicopter ride I think? Peter says Sydney is the most mysterious person in the house, and Sydney’s like, “omg I get that all the time.” Because of course that’s how she responds. Peter tells Sydney in Spanish that their love will take off today and they kiss for 2 points. Peter also tells Sydney she is the best kisser and that it’s their secret and not to tell everyone but like… this is gonna air on national tv. I feel like Sydney should get 5 points for being called the best kisser.

Susan: On to the group date. The card says, “Let’s capture our love today.” It’s for Shiann, Kelsey, Victoria F., Madison, Natasha, Victoria P., Lexi, Hannah Ann, Tammy and Mykenna.

Emily: This means Kelley gets the next 1-on-1 (20 points). She doesn’t seem too worried about it either way, unsurprisingly.

Meanwhile, on the date, Sydney is telling Peter her sob story. Basically, she was made fun of for being mixed race and was called “oreo” by her classmates. She says she ate her lunch in a bathroom stall during her senior year of high school. And, I’m sorry, I call bullshit. That’s literally just the plot of Mean Girls. But nonetheless, Peter thinks Sydney is incredibly strong and that’s what he’s looking for. So 5 points to Sydney for telling her sob story. 10 points for the rose because of course she gets the rose.

You think we’re done here? Nope. They go swimming. Sydney acts surprised even though she has a bikini under her outfit, so okay. I call bullshit again. They make out again for 2 points. He puts her up on a countertop for another 1 point because that’s, as we have said, his signature move. And then they get horizontal for another 1 point. They’re making out everywhere. Peter’s boner is out of control.

Susan: Kelsey is crying because she’s upset Peter’s on a one-on-one date with someone else (2 points). Tammy tries to comfort her in what will be the last time we see Tammy be likable on screen.

Emily: I’m so sad for the fall of Tammy this week because she’s literally the only one left I liked. More on that later. Kelsey is still crying. She says, “I like Sydney. I think she’s cool, but she’s a dramatic fucking bitch.” LOL.

Susan: Um...I don’t think you like her?

Emily: Yeah… no. Tammy is starting to wind herself up. Tammy’s like, “I don’t think when my grandpa died I cried for that long.” Tammy says, “Clearly this is too much for her, and I think Peter should know.” In my notes, I wrote: “Aw, no.” I saw the fall coming. It saddens me.

On to the group date, which is a swimsuit photoshoot for Cosmopolitan.

Susan: Peter says a lot of the women will be in their element, which is true because two of these women have modeled professionally and at least one has competed in pageants.

Emily: I’m really starting to wonder if The Bachelor and America’s Next Top Model are slowly merging to become the same show. If Chris Harrison gets replaced by Tyra Banks next season, I will not be surprised.

Susan: The Editor-in-Chief of Cosmopolitan is there to choose a winner of the photoshoot, who will be featured in a digital cover with Peter. During group shots, both Hannah Ann and Victoria F. make out with Peter for 2 points each. Other women (read: Kelsey) are annoyed.

Tammy’s final likable moment of the season.

Emily: I am not annoyed because those are both women in The Book Club, so thank you for my points.

Susan: Victoria F. wins the photoshoot, and normally I’d say let’s give her some points, but since racism gets you nowhere and Cosmo pulled the cover, no points for VF.

Emily: Ugh, fine. I guess that’s fair.

Susan: We’re in for some bullshit again in the evening portion of the date. But first, Victoria P. and Kelsey each get 2 points for making out with Peter.

Emily: During Victoria F’s one-on-one time with Peter, she reminds him it’s her birthday and that she’s now 26 which is “so depressing.” Well, I guess I should just kill myself then. Thanks, Victoria F.

When Kelsey gets alone time with Peter, she’s still pretty much freaking out. She tells Peter she’s so emotional because she’s missed him so much and she’s *gasp* falling in love with him (10 points). Peter says he’s thought about her so much, and they make out, but she already got some makeout points this episode.

A happy ending for Kelsey, right? Wrong. It’s time for Tammy’s one-on-one time with Peter.

Susan: Tammy tells Peter that Kelsey had a mental breakdown and she’s seen her “drinking excessively multiple times.” Peter could easily squash this because ALL HE HAS TO DO IS CHANGE THE SUBJECT AND TELL TAMMY THAT THIS IS NONE OF HER BUSINESS. Narrator: “That’s not what he did.”

Emily: Peter takes Kelsey aside to talk about it, obviously. Peter makes matters worse, like he does, by letting Kelsey know that SOMEONE in the house thinks she’s emotionally unstable. Kelsey says, “I want you to know I wasn’t having an emotional breakdown. I was just sad. I was really sad.”

But we’re not done. Kelsey is annoyed someone brought it up to Peter, so she brings it back to the group. She sits down and asks, “So do we want to talk about who said I was emotionally unstable today?”

No, nobody wants to own up to it. Kelsey says she got emotional and she’s not ashamed of that. I think it’s telling that a lot of the women are going after Kelsey at this point. They point out that a lot of them haven’t had 1-on-1 time at all. Victoria F tells Kelsey to get it together. GIRL. You should talk. Tammy tells Kelsey, “You were upset over a bottle of champagne for four days.” Okay, true.

You know what they say: When the drama turns up, the tongue comes out.

Susan: Victoria F. says, “It seems like every single time we’re at a group date, there’s drama.” Yeah. Because the whole entire group sucks. Hannah Ann, one of the only people losing her mind, gets the group date rose for 10 points.

Emily: I’m sure Kelsey is NOT PLEASED because she dropped the “F in L” bomb, but oh well.

Susan: Kelley continues to be awesome right before her one-on-one date: “I know he checks a lot of boxes, but like, am I into it?” (Clearly, she is not into it. Who can blame her?) Peter, on the other hand, is turning up the pressure. Says their relationship has plateaued and he needs to see a lot from her today. (Read: Peter needs women to adore him immediately and without question.)

Emily: This date starts with a classic run and jump for 5 points. And now it’s time for the cultural appropriation date where we send these two to a shaman so they can’t misunderstand another culture’s traditions and laugh at them. White people.

Susan: This whole date is set up for multiple opportunities for “signs” to say that Kelley isn’t feeling it. And we all know how Peter feels about signs when it comes to Kelley, the women he met by coincidence in a hotel lobby.

Emily: At one point, Peter is trying to let Kelley know what he wants out of a relationship and she gets distracted by a lizard. This felt very edited. I’m sure Kelley talked through what she wanted out of a relationship too and we just didn’t see that. Because the narrative is Kelley doesn’t give AF. In reality, Kelley is iffy about Peter, and really aren’t we all right about now?

Susan: Back at the resort, Tammy continues her campaign for “Worst 180” of the season. Kelsey sits down with Tammy to ask what the problem is. When Tammy says Kelsey has been crying a lot, Kelsey asks the most important question: “Why does it bother you so much?” Tammy says she’s “concerned” for her, and Kelsey calls bullshit: “You’re not f*cking concerned, Tammy.”

Emily: I was confused here. Does Tammy have an issue with drinking? Why did she feel so concerned about Kelsey drinking wine?

Susan: I have A LOT of problems with Tammy’s behavior this week, and one thing on my list is how messed up it is that she keeps saying that crying isn’t a healthy or smart way of coping. PSA: Crying isn’t a sign of weakness, a “mental breakdown,” OR alcoholism. Stop this.

Emily: Hard agree. I am ashamed for saying I liked Tammy last week. This was not cool.

Susan: I actually really enjoyed the dinner part of Kelley’s date. She didn’t take any of Peter’s bullshit about how she hasn’t tried to progress their relationship. I love that she makes him answer for his own behavior, noting that she’s questioned Peter’s readiness for marriage because he’s been rewarding the drama instead of nipping it in the bud. 2 points for maturity and real adult conversation.

After Peter admits to himself that Kelley isn’t ready to profess her undying love just yet, he gives her the rose anyway for 10 points. They make out a lot in by a waterfall for 2 more points.

Susan: Back at Shit Storm Central, Tammy continues to talk about Kelsey’s “mental breakdown” and “destructive” behavior. She calls her crazy, nuts, and an emotional wreck. I’m so officially out forever on Tammy.

Emily: While Tammy is busy badmouthing Kelsey, Kelsey has her own plan. She slips off to meet with Peter. This conversation is pretty boring and more of the same. She tells Peter that Tammy was trash talking her and asked if she had a drinking problem.

Susan: Peter gives Kelsey a lot of validation in this meet-up. He also proves once again he handles drama like a 15-year-old, saying Tammy is probably just jelly.

Emily: At the end of their talk, Peter does the biggest dick move even and gives Kelsey a rose that she didn’t ask for or want. Kelsey seems reluctant to take it because of what the other girls will think, but Peter says not to worry about them. Easy for you to say, asshole. You don’t have to live with them. Anyway, I feel like this is the equivalent of a group date rose and Kelsey gets 10 points.

Susan: Kelsey has to walk in front of other women with her rose in hand. She tries to address it and tell them she didn’t go get a rose on purpose, but everyone just stares at her blankly.

Emily: It’s time for the cocktail party… or so everyone thinks. Chris Harrison shows up and tells everyone there will be no cocktail party. Peter has clarity and doesn’t need to talk to anyone before the rose ceremony.

Susan: Mykenna, who is basically here to date Mykenna, freaks out again: “I want Peter to see how great I am!”

Emily: Girl, if he hasn’t seen it by now, he ain’t gonna.

Susan: Since Peter “got clarity” earlier, everyone assumes it’s because Kelsey met with him, which seems like a stretch. Tammy asks what was said about her, and Kelsey calmly explains the only thing she said re: Tammy was that Tammy said Kelsey was drinking and “popping pills.” Tammy says she didn’t say the pills thing, and like three other women jump in to say, “Ohhhh yes you did.”

Emily: I just want to note here that Tammy points out that VIctoria P is the one who started the pill popping rumor. Yet again Victoria P is spreading lies and somehow getting out of trouble for it entirely. DO NOT TRUST HER. Sydney tries to act like she’s never ever brought up another girl to Peter. Tammy’s like, “Bitch, what?” Remember how I called out Sydney for her bullshit twice earlier? Here’s time #3. Sydney is FULL OF IT. What is wrong with these people?

Susan: Lexi, another real one who can see through all the bullshit, says Tammy is blaming other women for her own lack of connection with Peter. Uh, yeah. Mykenna starts crying somewhere in here for 2 points.

Right before the rose ceremony begins, Tammy stops Peter and asks if they can talk. While she’s talking to him, Mykenna interrupts because she feels entitled to this time for some unknown reason.

Emily: I hate everything.

Susan: Kelley, Kelsey and Sydney already have roses. Roses also go to: Victoria F., Madison Natasha, Victoria P., Mykenna and Tammy. Shiann and Lexi are going home. I swear it’s like Peter picks the coolest two people every week and gets rid of them.

Emily: SMH.

Susan: Normally, this is where we would leave you, but we still have a whole ass other episode to go, folks! Let’s pick up in Santiago, Chile for Wednesday’s episode, where the contestants are having a “girls’ day” (you know how you have gatherings with seven people you hate?)...

Emily: Right when the girls are probably going to start arguing again, Peter shows up and takes Hannah Ann off on a one-on-one (20 points). Mykenna is crying again because she doesn’t feel like she and Peter have a strong enough connection (2 points). Victoria F says what we’re all thinking: “If Peter liked you, he would make time with you, and he hasn’t.” Thank you.

Susan: Peter says he is concerned about Hannah Ann’s age (23). When he asks her if she’s been in love before, she says no because she wants to “save” being in love for “her person.” This is the first of several things she says on this date that makes little to no sense to me.

Emily: Hannah Ann is a robot who doesn’t understand what love is. She is malfunctioning. On the date, Peter tells Hannah Ann “my heart beats very fast when I’m with you” in Spanish. I actually felt like Peter’s Spanish would be better than this. It’s pretty bad. Of course, there’s also the old couple who has been together for 20 years. Why do they do this every time? They’re literally just recycling the same plot every season. Why do we stand for this?

Susan: At dinner, Peter is starting to sweat because one of his clear frontrunners isn’t giving him the answers he wanted to hear. When he asks her about her career goals, she first says she wants to model as long as she can. Then she hits us with some “wisdom”: “So many people stay in the shallow waters of life. And you’ll only catch minnows in the shallow waters. For me, I’m like, let’s go deep. Let’s not stay on a superficial basis.” HUH?

Emily: I love it when people on reality tv spend a long time talking about how much they love being deep. You know, rather than actually talking about deep subjects. Hannah Ann also tells Peter, “Your qualities and what you possess is similar to the things i’ve been raised to have wanted.” This is actually disturbing.

Susan: Peter again can’t handle that the woman sitting in front of him isn’t drooling over him, so he goes outside to have himself a think. Hannah Ann, who is perfectly cultivated to be a Bachelor contestant, knows this is her cue to squeeze out some tears. She says she’s “starting to fall in love with Peter,” which is different than “falling in love,” so let’s give her 7 points for that. 2 more for the fake cry.

Emily: So we’ve officially established that Peter loves it when women cry for him. So of course Hannah Ann gets the rose for 10 points. He tells her she doesn’t need to try to be perfect all the time. But she’s a robot so I’m sure she doesn’t understand what that means.

Susan: A group date card arrives for Sydney, Natasha, Kelsey, Victoria P., Madison, Tammy, Kelly, and Mykenna that reads, “Luz, camera, acción.” Everyone looks confused and Kelley has to translate: “Lights, camera, action.” There’s also a one-on-one date card for VICTORIA F. (20 points) that reads, “I feel like we didn’t get a fair shot.” Emily, your thoughts on VF being the first to get a second one-on-one?

Emily: I hate it.

Susan: The group heads to the set of a telenovela, and they all receive roles to play in “El Amor de Pedro.” This actually looked really fun, but Kelley deserves 3 points for being the standout star as the abuela.

Emily: Kelley adds in her own lines, hits on her own “grandson,” and tells the camera, “incest is best.” Get it, abuela.

Susan: Mykenna, on the other hand, is killing me. This girl says she really relates to her character of the maid because she’s in the background (and she’s clearly never dusted anything in her life), and then finally Peter notices her at the end. She thinks it’s a “sign” she really needed. Shoot me.

Emily: At the end of the story, Mykenna ends up being Peter’s “true love” and they make out. I feel like this should be worth points, especially since she jumps into his arms. Let’s say 5 points. Never mind that Chris Harrison barged in and announced that she was actually his aunt. Shit got weird.

Emily: During the evening portion of the date, Kelsey and Peter make out ASAP for 2 points. Peter is really into Kelsey now because obviously she’s a crier and that’s Peter’s #1 turn on.

Susan: A few girls make the fatal mistake of noticing how relaxed everyone is and saying they had a good day. Cue the mess.

Victoria P. pulls Peter aside and says she wants to get back to a good place with him and crawls onto his lap. He is very clearly not into this. Peter is bad at breakups: “I don’t know if I see you as my wife. And I’m sorry about that.” Victoria says she’s “concerned” for him and cries for 2 points.

Emily: Victoria P. tells Peter, “This is not love and… that really sucks.” Peter says, “Can I walk you out?” Victoria P. says, “I don’t need you to walk me out.” Peter tells her, “I just want you to know how grateful I am to meet you. You’re going to find someone etc,” which we now know is what Peter tells everyone when he breaks up with them, and Victoria’s like “I know.” Bye, Victoria P. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.

Susan: When Peter and Madison get together, he tells her he’s written another telenovela script just for them, which is just an elaborate way for them to make out. 2 points for Madison.

Emily: While Peter’s trying to be romantic with the woman who is the clear frontrunner at this point (I mean, right?), shit is going down and Tammy has found a new target. Mykenna says today is the best day ever, and Tammy is triggered. Tammy’s asks how is this the best day ever when yesterday you were crying and wanting to pack your bags? Mykenna says, “I am here for the right reasons. Say what you want to say. I don’t give a crap anymore.” She asks Tammy, “Am I going to be another girl that you’re going to bring up to Peter?” Whoa.

Susan: Natasha sees through all this bullshit, as usual. She says Tammy isn’t concerned with moving things forward with Peter, but rather with eliminating other women she deems aren’t ready. She also points out that Tammy waits to pull this shit util she knows she’s going to see Peter. I mean, true.

Peter and Madison briefly interrupt their makeout session because they hear yelling in the background. They continue to make out, proving that not talking to anyone else on this show is the best possible strategy. Madison gets the group date rose for 10 points.

Emily: Somehow there’s still another date. Now it’s time for Victoria F and Peter to have a one-on-one AGAIN. They go horseback riding. I’m going to be honest. I took no notes during this date because I was so confused. At one point Victoria starts crying. I’m unsure of why, but I’ll take the 2 points. Victoria says this is the most she’s ever tried with anybody and I’m like… what? How is this trying?

Susan: So I missed a chunk of the first half of this date due to a severe weather alert, which turned out to be the most exciting part of the date anyway.

But the basics of what happens at dinner are as follows: Victoria is self-sabotaging because either 1) she doesn’t even like Peter or 2) crying and running away is a tried-and-true strategy for getting male attention. Maybe both. When Peter presses her about being into this whole thing and being ready, she cries and runs off for the THIRD TIME this season.

But since she’s hot, Peter gives her the rose (10 points) with this very romantic speech: “Nobody has given me this much grief or put me through so much at this point. That being said, will you accept this rose?” Ah, love.

Emily: At this point, everyone (including Susan and me) are ready to wrap up this whole shebang with a rose ceremony, but… here’s another date card. I don’t know if this counts as a true 2-on-1 because it’s just a meet up before a cocktail party and not, like, a real date. And there’s no rose on the table. But it’s been so long since we’ve had a true 2-on-1 that I’m still giving both Tammy and Mykenna 10 points for getting this date. Get it? Cause they’re splitting a 1-on-1? The card says “Meet me at the cocktail party before everyone else arrives. Enough is enough.”

Susan: Normally I love a good 2-on-1, but this is a colossal waste of time. Peter doesn’t even like either of them.

Emily: Mykenna says a lot of weird things during this part of the episode, but my favorite was: “You made me found my damn voice… kindness wins. Love wins. Bringing other people down never wins.” Well all right.

Susan: They both talk shit to Peter about the other one, and Mykenna seals “speaking my truth” as the catchphrase of the season now that Victoria P. is gone. When Mykenna and Tammy get back together, they bicker again, and Mykenna informs Tammy, “I’m not the villain of the season, honey.” Peter tells Mykenna he trusts her, and he walks Tammy out. Tammy cries for 2 points, and Mykenna gets 5 points for “winning” the 2-on-1 but not getting a rose.

Emily: Finally, it’s time for the frickin cocktail party. All I wrote is that Peter talked to Natasha, because apparently Natasha is Peter’s therapist now. I certainly hope she’s getting paid for this service. Therapy is not cheap.

Susan: They also make out, so Natasha gets 2 points.

Victoria F., Hannah Ann, and Madison already have roses. He hands out roses to: Kelsey, Natasha, and Kelley. Sydney and Mykenna are going home. Sydney gets 2 points for crying, and Mykenna has already gotten her cry points this episode. Mykenna also gives another speech about self-love that was supposed to sound empowering but sounded pretty dumb.

Us when Mykenna found her damn voice and spoke her damn truth

Emily: I know Sydney is my girl and everything, but… LOL BYE SYDNEY!

Susan: This has been...truly exhausting. We’ll see you next week later this week with a (hopefully) much shorter recap! Let’s see how badly The Book Club demolished Risk It for the Biscuit this week!

Totals

TEAM THE BOOK CLUB (Emily)

Hannah Ann - 51
Alayah - 2
Victoria F - 34
Tammy - 12
Deandra - 2
Sydney - 48
Kelsey - 26

Last week total: 222

This week: 175

SEASON TOTAL: 397

TEAM RISK IT FOR THE BISCUIT (Susan)

Victoria P - 4
Madison - 12
Kelley - 47
Mykenna - 24
Natasha - 2

Last week total: 106

This week: 89

SEASON TOTAL: 195

Susan’s team is losing by more than 200 points, but we still have several episodes to go! See you soon for episode 7. We hope you’re as excited as Peter is…

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