We’re just going to go ahead and say it. This season sucks. But we’re here to recap it anyway. Let’s go.

Emily: At this point in the season, I’ve decided Peter is one of the worst bachelors ever and I am super over it. But we still have a lot of show left and we’ve dedicated ourselves to bringing you the recaps. So here we are.

Susan: We’re in Lima this week — another place Peter can show off his mediocre Spanish!

Emily: So mediocre.

Susan: Kelley is just here for the alpacas, and that is the energy I need this week.

Emily: At this point, I’m just here for the alpacas too, girl.

Susan: Peter and Mama Weber FaceTime, and although I like Pete’s parents, I think ABC is overestimating how much I want to see Peter talk to his mom about his heart this season. Her biggest advice is “Be honest with yourself,” which is a thing we know he will not do.

Emily: Last season when we said we wanted Peter’s parents to be The Bachelor, I think ABC took that to heart. Also speaking of hearts, Peter and his family are obsessed with hearts. Appropriate since today is Valentine’s Day, but for the rest of the year? Calm down.

Susan: Petey surprises the women at their hotel and basically says, “Hey I’m pretty afraid of picking the wrong person, so please continue to give me validation and affirmation every five seconds so I know you like me.”

Emily: He sucks.

Thinking back on better seasons of this show…

Susan: A date card arrives that I am positive is for Natasha, but nope. It’s for Madison (20 points). You might recall Madison’s first one-on-one date, which took place approximately six years ago.

I am really rooting for Madison now, and not because I think there is real long-term potential with Peter. Because she is my only real hope for Team Risk It for the Biscuit to win this season. Get me some points, homie.

Emily: Yes, you might have noticed, but (spoiler) at the end of this episode, Madison will be the only person left on Team Risk It for the Biscuit. You can’t kill The Book Club, no matter how much you want to.

Susan: Madison immediately messes with my chances at victory by doing a run-and-jump and NOT wrapping her legs around Peter. This is 4 points instead of the usual 5. Thanks a lot, Madison. Gonna need you to spread your legs, girlfriend. I need da points.

Emily: As we will learn this episode, Madison does not spread her legs for anyone. But anyway. On this date, Peter calls Madison a total catch because they are like… fishing. V clever. On this date, Peter keeps talking to Madison about how serious meeting the family is, and I’m like… which is why you introduced Madison to your family in the first week? What?

Susan: On the boat, Peter is wrapped around Madison like a little jungle monkey. He seems way more into her than everyone else. She also gives him the thing he wants most: affirmation. She tells him she really likes him and sees a future with him. They make out for 2 points and get horizontal for 1 more point.

Emily: Back at the hotel, Kelsey and Hannah Ann are talking about how religious Madison is. She expects her husband to be a faith leader in the house and guide the family or whatever. I’m sorry. All of this shit is really fucking sexist and reminds me why I hate a lot of organized religion.

Susan: A date card arrives, and FINALLY my girl Natasha gets a 1-on-1! 20 points to Natasha.

Emily: Natasha is really excited and I’m like just, aw, you’re probably going home.

Susan: Back in Madi-land, she’s wearing a great backless red jumpsuit that I NEED. But enough of my that — it’s time for serious talk. Madison has talked about her dad before, and she again brings up that she wants to marry someone who embodies his same qualities. She says she’s seen how he loves her mom and loves their family, and the reason he’s able to love them so well is because he has such a strong relationship with the Lord.

She says her faith is her “whole life,” and she wants her husband to have a strong relationship with the Lord. She wants someone who loves how important her faith is to her and and a relationship where they can push each other to grow in their faith together.

Emily: In response to Madison’s profession of faith, Peter’s like, “Well, I’m kinda sorta Christian, so this is going to work out fine.” No, Peter. I don’t think so. He also tells Madison he’s falling in love with her, which is worth 20 points. Notably, Madison does not say it back. She does get the rose, obviously, for 10 points.

Susan: So, I totally believe that Peter’s faith is important to him as well, but I’m really not seeing faith having the same role in his life that it does in Madison’s. And two people with different religious and spiritual convictions can absolutely get married, but in this case, it does seem like a pretty fundamental difference that might not really be the best for either of them in the long run. Just my gut impression of this discussion. However, he’s clearly really into her, so maybe I’m way off.

Emily: You are not way off.

Susan: Another thought: We find out later in the preview for next week that Madison is saving sex for marriage (but I think we all assumed she was the virgin based on this conversation about religion). I feel like this date would have been a good time to bring that up as well. Peter has said how important physical intimacy is to him in a relationship, and she’s obviously on another page. This is a potentially big issue for them that I’d want to get out in the open sooner than later in case it’s a dealbreaker.

Emily: Just more evidence that these are two people who are not ready for marriage.

Let’s move on to Natasha’s date. Before the date starts, Peter voices what we all knew already: He can’t stop thinking about Madison: “Not that I want to compare relationships but… [Madison’s is better].” But Natasha, poor soul, knows none of this. She runs and jumps in his arms for 5 points.

These two have the explore-the-city date. They stop at a food cart and Peter gets really excited because it’s his favorite dessert. He gets Natasha to try it and she says, “It’s actually really good.” This would piss me off so bad. Yes, it’s good. BITCH I JUST TOLD YOU IT’S MY FAVORITE DESSERT. WHAT YOU MEAN IT’S “ACTUALLY” REALLY GOOD?

Susan: The street food gave me a flashback to Tyler C. trying to eat pickled herring with Hannah last season. I was glad no one swallowed their own vomit on this date.

Emily: Okay but also this wasn’t pickled herring. This was dessert. Everyone calm down.

Susan: Let’s just say what we all knew: Natasha was a goner before this date even began. Every season, we get a late bloomer relationship one-on-one right before hometowns that ends with an “I can’t give you this rose.” It’s often a fan-favorite contestant. This happened to Mike last season, and it happened to Hannah Brown on Colton’s season.

Emily: Hmm… it’s almost like… Mike should have been The Bachelor. Wait. Who said that?

Susan: Back at the hotel, Kelsey and Hannah Ann are just living life as BFFs as if champagne gate never even happened. (#neverforget)

Emily: The girls are like, “if she comes home with a rose, there’s only 2 left.” She won’t though. Kelley notes that things are “windling down.” Girl, aren’t you a lawyer? Is that a word you use in law school? (It’s not a word)

Susan: Peter tells Natasha she’s shown him more sides than any woman there. What he means is, Natasha is the only one who regularly voices her distaste for Peter’s actions to his face. He does not know what to make of this.

Back at the hotel, a date card comes for Kelsey that says “Love is a wild ride” (20 points). This means Victoria F., Hannah Ann and Kelley will be on the dreaded pre-hometown 3-on-1.

Emily: Do we know if people who go on the 3-on-1 traditionally end up winning? I know 2-on-1 means your days are numbered, but what are the odds of making it after a 3-on-1? What I’m saying is… does this mean Kelsey and Madison are our frontrunners?

Susan: When they sit down to dinner, Peter is obviously about to break up with Natasha, but he wants Natasha to do the dirty work, so he asks how she’s feeling about them.

Emily: This was so shitty of him. And this isn’t the first time he’s done it. He tells Natasha he feels like what they have is just a friendship and he can’t give her the rose. Shockerrrr.

Susan: Natasha says, “I hope you find what you’re looking for. I know I will.” I just love her. I hope she finds it on Paradise so I can see more Natasha. I was hoping she’d get me some final cry points on the way out, but she doesn’t shed a single tear. I’m still proud.

Emily: I’m also proud that Natasha tells Peter she’s going to find what she’s looking for before Peter was able to give his whole “there’s someone out there for you” speech he’s been giving to all the girls. Like, fuck you, Peter. For real.

Susan: Hannah Ann asks Victoria how she’s feeling since she’s been roomies with Natasha since the beginning. This is only notable because I can’t see Natasha, a cool person, being friends with Victoria, a deeply not cool person.

Emily: Right. Can you see these two hanging out? Or talking? About anything? Moving on to Kelsey’s date, I guess.

Susan: I’m digging Kelsey’s date outfit. I like a good moto jacket. They’re in the Peruvian countryside, which looks stunning, and they’re riding ATVs. This date looks fun as hell, honestly. Plus, they have great conversation:

Peter: “Look at the horses!”

Kelsey: “Yeah, I know, but look at the goats!”

Where are the alpacas Kelley mentioned? I wanna see some ASAP.

Emily: We got to see some stuffed alpacas on Natasha’s date.

Susan: Peter, a man who cannot get into a golf cart without a head injury, suggests they run up a super steep mountain full of jagged rock formations. Peter is about to fly too close to the sun.

Emily: Honestly, at this point I wish he would. Anyway. On this portion of the date, Peter asks Kelsey what she wants to do with her life. And she tells him she wants to work part time and spend the rest of her time raising her kids because, like, it’s sooooo important for her to be a part of her kids’ lives. Right because working moms are not involved in their children’s lives at all. I hate this so much.

Susan: If you want to work part-time, cool. But I didn’t love the implication that people who work full time aren’t really taking care of their kids… Anyway, this whole thing turns Peter on. They make out for 2 points and transition to a horizontal smooch for 1 more point.

Emily: At this point in the episode, I’ve just given up on everything. Kelsey cries for 2 points because she can really see a future with Peter. And I get it. That would make me cry too.

Susan: So, I don’t love Kelsey in general (I haven’t loved most of the contestants this season), but I kind of...ship them? She seems the most compatible with Peter because they both just crave constant validation. I don’t think she’ll win, but is there any chance ABC is giving her a possible Bachelorette edit? I can see the champagne-in-the-face being spun as sort of Hannah Brown-esque. (I’m not saying I want her as Bachelorette. Just wildly speculating.)

Emily: Lord help us if anyone from this season is chosen for Bachelorette. Can we not? On the night portion of the date, Kelsey is freaked out because Peter is probably going to go home and meet her parents and *gasp* her dad might not be there. Unsurprisingly, based on what Kelsey told us in her last sob story, she doesn’t have the best relationship with her dad. She’s only recently started talking to him again, and she hasn’t really talked to her mom about it. This isn’t a full-on new sob story, but I’m still giving Kelsey 2 points for extending her sob story from last time.

Susan: Peter, who is always moved by trauma, says this inspires him. Then he says something that annoys the shit out of me: “Even though you didn’t have that model with your parents,” you still know what you want. What is with this show and their obsession with people’s parents’ marriages as models for their own? PEOPLE WHO HAVE DIVORCED PARENTS STILL UNDERSTAND LOVE.

Emily: Nope, my parents are divorced and I clearly don’t believe in love and I am broken. Also my mom worked full time so I basically raised myself.

Susan: Kelsey gets the rose for 10 points, and they yell, “We’re going to Iowa!” Which is such a weird thing to shout when you’re in Lima.

Emily: But apparently they have really great champagne in Des Moines. That’s what I’ve heard anyway.

Susan: It’s time for the 3-on-1. Kelley: “Last night when I figured I was on the 3-on-1, I was annoyed. And today I’m...still annoyed.” Preach.

Emily: I, like, Kelley am annoyed. Not that I’m on a 3-on-1. Just that this season is still happening to me.

Susan: I can immediately see through this lame attempt at a villain edit they’re trying to give Kelley. A bunch of spliced-together soundbites does not a villain make. ABC just wants us to be fine with the lame choices Peter makes on this date.

Emily: I love how this show has given up all pretense of the 3-on-1 date being an actual date. It looks like they’re just in a really cold field with a couple of couches laid out. At one point, some old dude walks up to them and points out how weird it is to be on a date with three women at once. It’s all very romantic.

Susan: Hannah Ann has alone time first. Kelley is me: “I’ll be napping here! See ya in a bit!” When Hannah Ann and Peter sit down, she immediately starts crying, but like the fake kind of crying. I guess this still gets 2 points.

Emily: Hannah Ann lists off all the reasons she loves Peter. Some examples: he thinks she’s hot, he thinks she’s goofy, he smashes hot dogs in her face.

Susan: So some of these weren’t as dumb as I thought they’d be, but they’re still pretty “shallow waters,” and I thought this girl wanted to “go deep.”

Emily: This is deep for her. She wrote words. On paper. In full sentences.

Susan: Meanwhile, Victoria F. is perfecting her routine of working herself into a complete frenzy before she talks to Peter. She’s crying before her time even starts. 2 points.

Emily: Victoria F stresses me out so much. I need a Xanax just to listen to her.

Susan: Kelley is still very chill for her one-on-one time. She says that not every relationship has to be jumping through hurdles; it can be easy and fun. And Peter will spend the rest of this date proving how much he hates fun.

Emily: How dare Kelley be doing fine, am I right? Meanwhile Victoria F is off pouting and Peter comes to find her. Victoria F says Pete is in a mood. Girl, your life is a mood. Peter says, “There’s obvious reasons why I have doubts about us. I feel like you always push me away.” Victoria responds, “I feel like at the end of the day I don’t want to get to the end and lose you, so it’s easier to not have you in the first place.” Victoria said Kelley’s connection with Peter is “so easy and fluent.” I don’t know what it means to have a fluent connection, but there it is. There’s a lot of crying and arguing, which I guess turns Peter on.

Susan: This conversation mostly goes terribly, but Peter loves it. He confuses relationship anxiety with butterflies or something, but this man likes. the. drama. When the group is back together, the women talk about how they’re feeling. Only Victoria seems worried. Peter comes, grabs the rose, and walks Victoria to the car. We all know this is a dumb fake-out and I hate it.

Emily: When Victoria is taken aside, she whines, “I don’t wanna gooooo,” which just screams marriage-ready to me. Clearly, Peter agrees, because he gives her the rose for 10 points and sends her on her way. Whyyyyyy...

Victoria F is the human embodiment of a tension headache

Susan: In the car, Victoria says, “I like, cannot even.” I can’t either.

When Peter comes back, the other two women notice he doesn’t have a rose. He tells Hannah Ann he loves her sweet nature and tells Kelley he’s been so excited about their potential. The rose goes to Hannah Ann (10 points) and Peter continues his streak of poor decision making.

Emily: When Peter walks Kelley to the car, Hannah Ann starts crying again. Why is she crying here? Probably because she’s so fucking cold and just wants to go home and take a bath. And now she has to wait in the dark for another hour while Peter breaks up with Kelley. I get it.

Susan: Peter tells Kelley he was holding onto how they met and what it meant. She says, “Sucks it didn’t work out. You’ve got things you need to figure out.” And she doesn’t cry! Another real one on my team exits without cry points. (But also: You go, girl.)

Emily: Kelley, you were too good for this season. See you in Paradise, maybe.

Susan: I have one player left, and Emily has three. Things are not looking good for Risk It for the Biscuit.

Emily: Next week is hometowns, everyone. Yay?