Oh boy, Bachelor Nation. There is a lot to unpack this week. Let’s just hop right into it.

Emily: So just to recap from last week, from a Team Sausage Party (Emily) vs. Team Frat-tastic (Susan) perspective, Team Frat-tastic stomped my team to death. It was a bloodbath. Will I be able to come back from such a staggering loss last week? Stay tuned to find out, Bach fans. Anyway, let’s just hop right into it. Chris Harrison shows up and is like, “So Hannah cried last night at the rose ceremony. That was fucked up.” All the dudes agree. Mike remembers fondly the time he asked someone else to get Hannah a Kleenex. Aw.

Susan: Chris very dramatically reminds everyone: “Your time with her is fleeting.” Bum bum bum...

Emily: Chris gives them the first group date card. The first group date goes tooo… Jonathan, Matteo, John Paul Jones, Kevin, Jed, Tyler C, our boy Mike, and Cam. The date card says something about pushing through shit or I don’t even remember. We’ve all seen the previews of the labor simulation machine, so the mystery is gone. Also I just want to note Mike picks her up when he sees her which might be the male equivalent of the “run and jump,” so I think he deserves 2 points. I’m not biased or anything.

Susan: Jason Biggs and his wife Jenny Mollen are there to guide the men on a tour de lady problems. First there’s a female anatomy quiz. It does not go well.

Emily: When they have their female anatomy quiz, Jed is the only person who has ever heard of a placenta, apparently, and these other dudes think you grow a uterus when you get pregnant. Amazing. It’s also amazing that the bar is so low for these dudes that when Jed correctly answers a simple question about pregnancy, my first reaction was, “WOW JED IS SO SMART!” So like, 2 points for Jed for tricking me into thinking he’s smart. Everyone else: do better.

Susan: Hannah says, “ Someone knows his way around a woman!” but like, do you really want a man to know his way around your placenta? Also please note that Cam thinks the gestational period of humans is 2 weeks. Next they have to feel the pain of breastfeeding by holding a fake baby while Hannah clamps a clothespin to their nipple. Let’s be serious, at least one of them was very into this.

Emily: I kind of took issue with the next segment of this date wherein the boys had to take care of fake babies to find out what it feels like to be a mother. But… shouldn’t fathers be doing this shit too? SMH

Susan: Now the labor pain simulator. It’s mildly entertaining but only because my boy John Paul Jones is clearly very terrified and has no pain tolerance. Jed does pretty well and somehow manages to basically look into Hannah’s eyes the entire time. She calls this a “connection.”

Emily: We get more Jed right off the bat at the cocktail party, and let me just say chicken nuggets are flying everywhere. Literally. Hannah and Jed chuck chicken nuggets off a rooftop to make a wish. Jed says he’s not going to tell her what his wish is, but clearly it’s to get a one-on-one date. Don’t worry, my dude. Your time is coming. I would put money on it. Anyway, they make out and it probably tastes like chicken. 2 points.

Susan: I had no idea chicken nuggets would feature so heavily this season.

Emily: Moving on to Mike, future Bachelor and owner of my heart and yours. In his one-on-one time with Hannah, he explains that this date was really hard for him because it reminded him of his ex-fiancee who was pregnant and miscarried. I believe the full story is that this was really hard on the two of them and their relationship, and ultimately the relationship failed because Mike wasn’t there for her emotionally like he should have been during this trying time. But who knows because the editing on this was fucked and clearly the franchise is more interested in making us annoyed with Cam than letting us hear Mike’s story. Whatever. He still gets 5 points for giving us a sob story.

Susan: I was SO bothered with the Cam situation. This is a legitimately serious story that he deserves to share his feelings on. And also, #MikeforBachelor2020. Mike gets 2 more points for making out. So, Cam interrupts like three separate times at 15-second intervals because he “has something really important to tell her.” All he tells her is he had to resign from his job to be here. Like, congrats on no longer having a job??

Emily: This is why you never give a first impression rose to a white man who raps.

Susan: There’s a mild shoving match between Jonathan, the Bringer Of Karma, and Cam when Jonathan feels it is his duty to sacrifice any chance he has on this show to prove a point to Cam and take his one-on-one time. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t wanna see Cam talking to her about his unemployment status either, but we all know Jonathan isn’t long for this world. When Jonathan sits back down with the group, Cam just stares at him for, like, a long-ass time while JPJ eats nuggets. Cam: “We’ll see how it works out for you, bro.” Jonathan: “Likewise.”

Spoiler: It won’t work out well for either of them.

Emily: I say 2 points to Cam and to Jonathan for this petty ass bullshit. Anyway, next Hannah gets some alone time with Kevin Bacon a la Footloose (Tyler C). Tyler C’s pandering ass tells Hannah that wow, women really DO run the world. Except they don’t, Tyler. And it really annoys me when men say shit like this. Like, don’t patronize me. Just be less of a white man from now on.

Susan: She seems pretty into Tyler C., who is alarmingly handsome in a somewhat unsettling way. Like if you were sitting too close to a celebrity or something. He says that Hannah is a badass woman and he wants to be the one to fuel her fire. They kiss for 2 points.

Emily: I feel like Hannah had more of a connection with Tyler C. and/or Jed on this date, but Mike gets the group date rose for being “bold” in his own way, whatever that means. Please do not drink every time these people say “bold.” You will die. Anyway, as much as I think Hannah just kinda respects Mike but doesn’t really want to do him, I’m happy that my baby got the group date rose. 10 points to him. The longer he sticks around, the more likely he’ll be crowned Bachelor, and at this point, that is the goal. Moving on, back in the mansion, a date card came for Connor, and I got so excited because there was no initial after his name. LAST CONNOR STANDING! WE DID IT!

Susan: Connor gets the one-on-one date (20 points), but their plans change because Hannah had to go to the ER after fainting. So they hang out in bed in her hotel room. Meanwhile, back at the house, Luke P.’s crazy is showing. “It’s my job to care for her and she wants me there.” (No, she wants Connor there.) “If she told me to leave, I’d be like nah.” (Um. Ok, so you’d just ignore her wishes?)

Emily: This is why you don’t give the first impression rose to a misogynist meat head. Also, I just want to note that Connor’s vocal fry is pretty intense. I don’t really care about vocal fry either way, but if we’re going to shame women for it, I feel like I need to point out Connor’s. Anyway, Hannah doesn’t mind and they make out because she’s not contagious. Fatigue and dehydration aren’t normally contagious but okay. 2 points.

Susan: Connor leaves little notes around Hannah’s suite with things he loves about her. She seems very into this. When he comes back to the mansion,, Luke P. is all up in Connor’s shit: “So what were her symptoms? Was she like, coughing?!” “So what was she wearing?” Sit down, Luke.

Emily: Connor croaks, “IDK she was wearing sweatpants?” And Luke goes to jerk off somewhere probably.

Susan: Surprise: They’re actually still gonna do this private concert thing. I have no idea who the artist is, but the lead singer has kind of a cool voice? Or am I just comparing him to Jed? Connor gets the rose. 10 points.

Emily: I see you forgetting private concert points are a thing. Well played, Susan. But my dude Connor gets 5 points for the private concert as well. Well done, Connor. Proud of you. Now for our last group date, which again was an editing disaster. Tyler G has left the building, and while we get no explanation for why, it’s pretty clear that ABC kicked him off the show for being an abusive misogynist asshole. So hooray for that I guess? We also don’t see the date card moment, so I guess just everyone else is on this date? And it’s some weird Secret Life of Pets photoshoot. I hate The Secret Life of Pets. What a dumb movie.

Susan: This group date is clearly Peter’s time to shine. I like Pilot Pete, and so does my Final Rose (aka my fiance, Justin, who is now watching this show with me). We think he’s a sweetie and seems genuinely into Hannah.

Emily: Excuse me. I rolled my eyes so hard they’re stuck in the back of my head for good. Your Final Rose? Really? We get it. You guys are in love. My husband Ben has been watching this show with me for years. He hates everyone because that’s his brand. But back to recapping the show. Demi shows up to, I guess, make sure these guys aren’t assholes by spying on them. Somehow “her” “plan” to have hot girls flirt with Hannah’s dudes doesn’t work. Probably because, oh I don’t know, THEY’RE STILL BEING FILMED. I love Demi, but why is she here? This is so dumb.

Susan: I will not apologize for calling him my Final Rose. I just won’t. Not much of note happens during the photo shoot except Peter gets 2 points for kissing her during it, and Luke P. is slowly imploding. He tries to “walk her to her dressing room” and she’s like, “Let’s just talk later, k?” At the evening portion of the date, we continue on the theme of Luke P. Thinks He Owns Hannah. She pulls Luke aside first squash this. She says, “You already think it’s promised to you, and that bothers me a lot.” And also: “Your confidence in this kind of makes me irritated...I like confidence, bu it’s like cocky in a way, and I don't like that at all. I want it to change.” Okurrrr. Go Hannah!

Emily: I’m really loving Hannah as the lead, and moments like this really get me excited for her and watching her throughout the season. She’s not a pushover. She’s not afraid to tell these dudes what she wants and what she doesn’t like. Last episode, I was really nervous that she was falling for Luke’s bullshit, but I think it’s clear this episode that she’s not here to suffer fools. When she said, “I want to call my own shots,” I cheered. Yes Hannah! Yes queen!

Susan: Luke cannot take the heat of this and is whining to the other dudes that he didn’t get a chance to explain himself. So what does he do? Tries to interrupt multiple times to do just that, despite Hannah clearly saying “We’ll talk later” when he barges in. As he interrupts for the second or third time, Justin yelled at the TV, “What is wrong with this guy?!” and officially became a member of Bach Nation.

Emily: My favorite thing about the Luke drama is that he straight up said he heard what Hannah said but he didn’t like it so he was just going to pretend she didn’t say it. Cool. That seems healthy. But let’s talk about dudes who do have their shit together. I’m talking about Peter. Hannah is clearly thrilled to hang out with a normal person for a few minutes and gets so excited about it that it leads to a STEAMY makeout sesh where Peter pushes her against the wall and she wraps her legs around his waist. Hello I have entered a romance novel. 2 points for the making out. 1 point for the patented against the wall move, and only 1 point for the legs around the waist because there was no run and jump leading up to it. Oh and then he gets the group date rose (10 points). So proud of my baby-faced pilot.

Susan: Back at the mansion, Chris tells the dudes there is no cocktail party but a tailgate party! I kind of dig this as a fan of day drinking and corn hole. Roll Tide.

Emily: But this is what I don’t get. Tailgating is usually what you do before you watch a football game? Where is the game? What the fuck?

Susan: Cam gives a FULL ON SPEECH about how he needs to talk to Hannah first about something super intense, and because it might be too much for her to “handle,” he might be leaving. So he tells people it’s been nice to know them and gives a METAPHORICAL TOAST (yes he called it that) to “Living your truth.” And he takes Hannah’s place as Worst Toast Giver in Bachelor history.

Emily: Wow, we keep forgetting to do superlatives in these recaps, so I’m glad you threw one in there today.

Susan: So everyone is having fun and being normal and Cam comes in to ABC - Always Be Cam and ruin shit for everyone. He sits down and tells her about 1) how he almost had his leg amputated, 2) how his grandma died, and 3) how he had to re-home a puppy. (Might I say, I assume the puppy is better off and with a less crazy person.) Hannah’s eyes say, “I just wanted to eat corn dogs today.”

Emily: Pretty sure she’s thinking about chicken nuggets, but okay. Even though this is a BS sob story, it’s still a sob story, so I guess Cam gets his 5 points.

Susan: Mike, who somehow looks good in jean shorts, tells Hannah that Cam is trying for a pity rose. Hannah confronts Cam for being “schemey and slimy.” He is in pretend disbelief. As Justin noted, “You can see the crazy in his eyes.”

Emily: So as I mentioned previously, usually the end of a tailgate party means there’s some sort of football game or something happening. Not today, friends. Today, it’s a chance for Hannah to lay down the law once more. She tells these assholes that pity roses aren’t a thing.

Susan: At the rose ceremony, the most important thing that happens is that Hannah looks INCREDIBLE. She hands out roses to everyone but Jonathan, Cam and Joey (whose name I had to look up because I don’t remember him being here period).

Emily: I hope Joey left the champagne behind. That’s literally all I know about him.

Susan: On a personal note, my other favorite part of the rose ceremony was when she called Matteo’s name. Justin thought she said “potato.” “Who is Potato?! Potato, will you accept this rose?” I’m very happy Justin is watching with me now.

Emily: Do I have any superlatives for the night? Let’s see… there was a lot of competition for Most Annoying tonight, but I think ultimately the honor goes to Luke P. for being an absolute dick. Most Stressed Out goes to Hannah who had to be HOSPITALIZED and it’s only Week 3. Lastly, Hottest Makeout Sesh goes to Peter, because that was the hottest makeout sesh of the season thus far. Pretty self-explanatory.

Susan: Worst “Toast”: Cam. Best Jorts: Mike.

Emily: Now let’s see how our teams did.

Team Sausage Party
Mike: 19
Jonathan: 2
Tyler C: 2
Connor: 37
Peter: 16
This Week: 76
Last Week: 6
Total: 82

Team Frat-Tastic
Jed: 4
Cam: 7
This Week: 11
Last Week: 72
Total: 83

And just like that… we’re neck and neck. What will happen next week? Come back next Wednesday to find out.